Escalating Triggers

[freya]

I'd like to know how I can deal with a 'pile-up' of triggers, if that's the right way to put it.
I'm trying to figure out how to deal with an escalation of stress and triggers. Or maybe simply looking to share.

I have been triggered in a topic that's problematic for me (sexuality) the past week. Some events just really confronted me with issues from the past and they made me realize how much I need to forgive MYSELF for things that happened. (Be aware please that what I went through was not nearly as bad as many others here have experienced, I think).

So the topic and the memories came up. I wrote a text about it wording my feelings and thoughts. I felt like I needed help ('to be heard') because in the past this theme has caused me to become psychotic.

Next I wanted to share the text with my therapist (he's a coach, really), mail it to him and ask for support. I did but I know he's not fond of getting a lot of mail from me so now I'm worried about him getting mad/frustrated with me for 'burdening' him.
I know this is out of proportion but now I am obsessing over stuff like 'should I call him and ask him to drop the e-mails', should I ask for help? Should I try to adress how last time I tried to discuss this topic with him went VERY wrong (partly due to clumsiness or lack of tact on his side, partly due to me dissociating and having PTSD- reactions at that time).

We've talked about ending the 'therapy' with him and I feel that may be best, as he doesn't understand my needs. However at this moment I don't really know who else to turn to for support.
And there's resentment towards him, too, for not understanding my needs in this respect. And sadness because I hoped for a long time that he'd be able to help me with themes like this.

So as far as I can see things are piling up. There's the trigger of the topic of sexuality, there's my need to ask for help and the trauma of not having been heard when needing help in the past, and so on... It's becoming confusing.... constricting.

I just don't know what to do or how to get back to a situation of (more0 calm. I've forced myself to do the daily things so far today, by having my shower, walking the dog, washing dishes so basically that's good (I often do nothing but sit and write and obsess over stuff like this).

Freya

 

[Deleted member 541]

First off. Never minimize your trauma, or try to compare it to someone else. Your trauma is yours, and what you went through was traumatic enough for you to have PTSD as a result, so don't compare it....Accept it!!!!

Next, I think that you need to dump this coach and find a qualified therapist that has been trained in PTSD. This in itself is important, actually if you are indeed trying to heal yourself, this is a MUST!!!!!!!

Doing things, when you don't feel like it is a good start. It takes your mind off of yourself for a time and you refocus on the land of the living, vs the land of PTSD. Doing things is great, so try to keep that going everyday.

Exercise will also help. Eating healthy, finding a hobby will also help. Just do something that you enjoy and can focus on.....

Good luck....and find a new therapist as soon as you can.......

 

[kers]

I agree with She Cat, find a new therapist who you feel is qualified and able to deal with your illness. Don't waste your time with someone who isn't.

It's really good that you've been trying different things to keep yourself calm. I know it only helps a little bit, but keep trying, and eventually the urgency will pass and calm will return.

 

[freya]

Maybe my post was not clear.
My question was not about should I keep the therapist but how to deal with it when I just get so overwhelmed by several triggers (if that's the right word) at the same time.

It's not as easy as it may seem to find a good new therapist here in my country and in my situation.

Also, I know that a big part of my responses to the therapist I have are determined by the PTSD. For example: he NEVER got mad with me for mailing him too much (he has complained and tried to set boundaries, which in itself I don't find unreasonable). So what I meant to express is that I know that at the moment my perceptions of reality may not be completely in order.

If I find another therapist I think the same issues may come up. Actually I have had many therapists in my life and there are only a few that I can really work with. Basically I choose this coach because I'd gotten fed up with the therapists offered by the official mental health care system here.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi freya,

I don't know if this helps but I know that I find it very difficult to ask for help or disclose anything without feeling the same way you describe. I also am frequently at a loss to know if it is "acceptable" or not, because it never "feels acceptable" to me.

I can only suggest that if you feel that this is not something you should do, eg. e-mail and your 'Coach', and he has expressed that he is not comfortable with that, perhaps there is something or some way (alone or together) you can come up with as an alternative when you are feeling those feelings. Maybe it would be acceptable to write it down and show him later in person? Maybe by then you wouldn't even need to show him, who knows?

try different methods, but I don't think I'd beat yourself up over it.
I'm sure he knows also if you are trying there are going to be some times you "fail" but if you are taking responsiblity for your actions that's all you can start with.

Best of luck to you.

 

[freya]

Thank you Junebug. Glad to hear you can relate... Yes, it never feels 'acceptable' to need help.

Indeed lately I've done what you suggested a few times. (This time I couldn't do it).

Actually thinking about what you wrote reminds me of something I told myself lately at a time when I was trying to make sense of the responses of people around me.
I told myself that if I know a person basically cares about me maybe I should not or need not panic so much when I think I make a 'mistake' towards them or maybe ask for help 'too much'. On the other hand there are people I know who have their own issues and/or do not really care about me (maybe are unable to, I don't know). With them I should simply not be too attached to the way they react.

Hmm. Well, it's theory and it's often not easy to put that sort of resolution to practice. Still indeed as you say it may be good to try to trust that he will understand that I'm trying.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Freya, I'm sure he does know that as you've shown it in your actions. Your advice is best for you (and it is excellent advice, btw).

You bring up a couple of other really good points, too. A lot of the time it probably becomes a bigger issue (in our mind) than it has to be, and any time there are these really "strong" reactions it's probably a good warning sign it relates back to more than the moment.

If you're anything like me it's as hard to trust the "caring" part as much as the "asking for help" part! They seem to be inter-related. :dontknow:
I think improving self-esteem always helps but it's a slow process. And trust.

Also, maybe something else is bothering you at the heart of matters that is the real issue.

Follow what your heart and good sense tell you. Tomorrow is always another day.
Best wishes.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[freya]

Thanks a lot Junebug.

Yes, asking for help and trusting the 'caring' part is connected for me too.

I talked with my coach and I think he does understand. Sometimes it's just necessary to let time pass. It's the only thing that helps to diminish the feeling of anxiety and being stuck...

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, freya, I find that when I am feeling in a negative way, or doubtful, or self-blaming, it is hard to be patient. Frankly it's hard to be patient most of the time.
It's VERY hard for me to accept that things aren't going to get better or more manageable or make more sense overnight.

And it is a horrible feeling to be "flooded" or overwhelmed, somewhere I know in my mind I don't trust a thing I do or say then because I have difficulty "untangling" my thoughts and emotions, and I feel like I have lost all control and semblance of "normalacy". I also feel assured that others will view "me" as badly as I am viewing myself. I probably do that even on a "good" day.

But I guess that's what it requires, too, in order to examine distorted thinking and apply methods to change it, for me anyway.

I am glad that you feel better about your situation. I know that it is very difficult to ask for help, especially when you most need it. And I find oftentimes it's hard to find the words I need to express what I need.
But I do know that if you don't "feel the fear" and then see that your worst fears don't materialize, the fear won't decrease. So I hope for you this turns out to be a "Blessing in disguise".

I used to think that not being able to accept that someone cares was "protective" of myself because I felt that they did not or could not, "me being me". I am starting to think that, although I also know that it's exacerbated by self-worth issues as well as trust ones, I think you are right on the money in that it there is more fear that they do than they don't, actually.

I heard it once described that "shame" can be a way of giving in to fear to avoid dealing with trauma. -Perhaps self-rejection is an "avoidance method", too.

Best wishes to you. I know that it will work out if you keep talking and keep trying.