Ever Feel Conflicted On Touch Or Dissociation?

[Leah123]

I am so sorry to hear everyone's suffering, I can relate. I feel very blessed though, to be at a better place today with this issue of touch. I'm a wife now, 15 years just about, and a mother. It took me a long time and a gentle process to be comfortable, and intimacy was tough. But being with someone gentle and patient that I connected to and trusted (we worked together first, that helped drop my defenses some) made the difference. Lately, I've been exploring what caused my PTSD again, it's so intense that I'm actually dealing with some symptoms that haven't plagued me for a while. Dissociation, not wanting to be touched, anxiety, etc. are very hard to cope with, but when I am ready, my husband is there to hold me, let me cry, and enjoy all the pleasures of that human connection. I guess I'm just here to add that it definitely is possible to attain, for me, it was about trusting myself, going slowly, taking little risks, and choosing someone very wisely. I am SO glad I did. Having a child has actually been a challenge, as far as touch, but thank goodness the mothering instinct is so strong and I've been mostly able to give her the love and touch and comfort that she deserves. It's been really hard, but...... it's working out I think. :)

P.S. I must add, I started at 14, counseling with a school therapist, before I was ever diagnosed w/PTSD, but, well, she was so kind to me, and would give me hugs when I got super upset in our sessions, I think that helped a lot- having like a really warm, feminine presence to trust.

 

[Springer80]

I have maintained a subtle & affable distance

I have been berated (often emotionally) for that distance, & repeatedly. It's innate, I don't even do it purposely. It's such an ingrained defense mechanism, & it's done with such adroitness, it astounds & perplexes even I

I recognize these patterns

I succumb to the habit. I gently push people away so consistently, eventually they just give up & accept it.

I am exceptionally adept at relating to & with people & I attract them because of this, but conversely, I am isolated.

I confided to someone as to what was happening & why. I'm conflicted about having done that too. It was sort of an explanation & apology as to that "distance".

Maybe I'd disassociate, maybe I'd flinch away. I don't know. I'll never know unless I try.

I recognize all that you've said and I've had the same fears and lived with the hurtful and inadequate consequences of actions beyond my control. I have wrestled with it to beyond exhaustion and distress and reproached myself to a stiflingly claustrophobic level.

Two things, the walls that we build are organic, they biodegrade over time if we want them too and if your environment is safe. The other thing is this, doors can be on floors, when you stop, because your body can no longer sustain this protective but ultimately detrimental parade your on, you will be able to find your way.

 

[stuff]

I struggle with this so much. More than I can put into words. I think there is a desire in me to be held and accepted without being judged, to be able to cry and release and feel safe without having to worry about overwhelming another person, or having them decide that I am melodramatic, damaged or somehow manipulating them; to have someone there who can just accept that I need to cry and feel loved; to be held without any anticipation of any sexual escalation. I had one good cry once at a particularly bad time a couple years ago, and it was the only time I nearly felt that. It had a lot to do with what my friend said at the time, and it still sticks with me: "Some things will never be okay, and that's totally okay." That might be the closest I've ever gotten to feeling accepted by anyone in my life.