Every Damn Thing Sounds Like Criticism These Days

[Kintsugi]

Hey people.

Some of you may know that I was accepted to graduate school. Still others may know I had actually decided months ago that I did not want to go to graduate school this year because of concerns about my PTSD being too unstable. However, through a strange course of serendipity, I was offered a full ride and took it.

Now, I'm like, hyper-sensitive to shit all the time. I'm not ideating more about suicide or dissociating more than normal, but I am so touchy. I have more rage, I lash out more, but more than anything, I'm just super damn sensitive; everything sounds like criticism to me. I'm reading way too deeply into what people say to me, how they look at me, etc.

I don't know wtf to do to calm myself the f*ck down. I get into these confrontations that are completely insane in retrospect, but in the moment, my voice starts to crack, my heart is racing, and I feel like I might burst into tears at any moment.

I have to call back the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not on any medications yet. I haven't even been assessed. I had to wait for my T to refer me. I'm really against being on an SSRI, but my T is really against me having more than a few benzos at my disposal, so other than maybe ambien and prazosin, I'm not sure what sort of relief I'll find. I don't even know if there's something out there that can address this issue in addition to my persistent depression and overall anxiety.

It occurred to me today that I haven't been sober in school since I was eighteen, but I don't think I can go back to smoking pot. In a couple of months, it won't be as much of a concern for my job anymore, because they won't be able to fire me after a single positive drug test, but even if my job isn't at stake, I'm not sure I want to go down that road again. I used to be a huge stoner, became dependent, and it really messed with my stress tolerance. Also, these days, being high when I have obligations tends to raise my anxiety, because I'm no longer a functional pothead.

I just want to have a conversation without starting shit and nearly breaking down.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @Simply Simon - A few questions to consider (don't have to answer here unless it would help to think it through): what kinds of support does your school offer? Do you have any ADA accommodations in place for the PTSD? Does the school have a counseling center? Can you go to school part time and ease your way into it at all?

Grad school can be like trying to take a drink out a firehose even without PTSD. I wish I had better advice on how to get through the major spike in stress and what seems like a resulting increase in verbal "fight" symptoms and defensiveness, but I don't. I'm cheering you on though. :hug:

 

[scout86]

Wish I had words of wisdom for you! All I can say is I have stretches like that. (Quite possibly why I'm alone!) It comes and goes. What does your T say? A reaction to the extra stress, maybe?

I'd suggest avoiding Ambien if you can. That is some seriously weird stuff!

 

[GrayOwl]

Scout summed it up for me too.

Only suggesting what has helped me over years of practice, trial and error:

One day, one hour, one moment at a time.
Don't project, accept each moment as it comes, what happens WILL be ok, no matter what it is.

I don't know what you're studying, or what you're trying to accomplish, but I suspect it is doable.
I've appreciated what you've said on the site here. You seem quite wise.
All I can do is tell you I support you and wish you the best in what you do.

Some quiet time, and your positives, a few breaks from a tough schedule, and lots and lots of ice cream.
I know it's a killer but ice cream is my solution to everything today.

It used to be alcohol, then drugs, then gambling, or work.
Today it's you guys and a bowl of ice cream.

Love and Hugs... it's the new Ben & Jerry's flavor.

.............deep breath..........

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Congrats.

Just finished a book by Elyn R Saks. "The Center Cannot Hold." Her mental issue was schizophrenia. SCL from Vanderbilt, then Marshall at Oxford (Aristotle), then law school at Yale, then teacher at USC Law School, then professor at USC and UCLA and a degree in psychoanalysis. Remarkable person and book.

Transitions threw her, as they do many of us.

Her focus became mental health law (prolific writer). Phd's and multiple tenures and chairs, awards.

Truly hell and achieved all her goals. May the road rise with you.

 

[ms spock]

It doesn't matter that you are having those feelings. What is needed for feelings like that is busting distorted cognitions and Self Compassion.Some attention to self sabotage will be required by you - as your mind is so creative.

If you want to stop everything feeling like a criticism then you have to stop the inner abuse of yourself that is twisting everything into something that feels like criticism. You have to stop criticising yourself and being so harsh with yourself. You could look at Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion, she has free audio to download and a range of exercises you can use. Do it 20 times per day. I read her book it was most helpful to me. It is totally fine to feel what you are feeling. The challenge is to gradually stop overreacting to those feelings. I was there at the beginning of the year. I was having major dissociation and panic attacks - so I kept going to school and I kept ringing helplines afterwards to deal with the fallout. I just kept doing it. Now I can be physically and emotionally present some of the time in class. It is amazing. Never thought that was a possibility for me.

If you want to stop everything feeling like a criticism - you have to ask yourself how and why am I standing on my own neck right now? Then you need to not beat yourself up for beating yourself up - so Radical Acceptance.

Practice being grounded.

Work on self soothing each and every day - write up a plan to incorporate into your daily life.

You are so talented and gifted that you have never really had to work hard at anything before - now you won't get better unless you actually do some work. Tough I know but there it is. You have to decide to do the work of recovery. Until you decide to do that and stop messing around with "I want this type of medication and not that type of medication" your PTSD will always be unstable. You always have a range of excuses, things to consider, flights of fancy, whimsical stuff - you never settle down to the basics and any time you look like heading in that direction you seem to sabotage yourself. You have to do the work of recovery. The only person who is going to stop your PTSD from being unstable is yourself. Keeping away from life is not going to help you be stable - you have to live life whilst working on learning how to be stable.

Look at the franticworld website it has free audio to download for Mindfulness exercises - even start with a three minute one three times per day. The Perth Meditation Centre has free audio to listen to try the shorter medications explained.

Do DBT and then do it again and again. Once again free on the dbtselfhelp website - their instant mindfulness is inspired. I would suggest starting with Radical Acceptance.

You have a beautiful mind and it is always going to come up with elaborate types of avoidance and procrastination - you will have to get on to that with CBT - David Burns - do all the writing exercises. Look at helplessness and hopelessness sections and do that work. There is a thread on this forum Name That Distorted Cognition (thought/perception) - name one distorted cognition each day.

Superbetter - join up with some people who do it every day and do it everyday.

Look at your nutrition and eat each day properly.

Exercise to discharge that cortisol - start with 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon.

Write your own recovery plan and work on it and adjust it every day. You fall off the horse - no need to beat yourself up - just start with the next self healing activity.

Work on your reactive attachment disorder stuff - and whatever you work out about this - please let me know - I am struggling with this one as well.

You need to stop hanging out with so many people with substance abuse issues and people who are enabling you to stay stuck in your stuff. You have to be kind and compassionate with yourself and also stop all of the creative excuses and flights of fancy - great stuff for when you are grounded but if you are always spaced - you waste your creativity.

Perhaps stop hanging with people who are always out of it, who are sabotaging their own recovery or who enable your behaviours. If you want to get well then you need to hang around some well people and work on challenges or projects together.

Work on not becoming trapped in your ruminations and anxiety loops.

Lastly cut the crap - each day go out of the house for 1 minute 2 minutes etc and do self exposure.

Get a purpose in life and for God's sake use that creativity of yours for something substantial other than amusing the drunk, drugged or high people.

You will need to work hard on the self sabotage. This is a hard one for me. You will really need to address it on a therapeutic deep level.

Take what you want and leave the rest. You remind me of a much younger me - for God's sake don't waste thirty years of your life like I did because I had no guidance and no money for access to decent therapy or anyone who cared enough to give me guidance.

You will never have a conversation without starting shit and nearly breaking down until you actually do some substantial work on your recovery. You are more than creative enough to work out your own solutions. You are more than creative enough to stay stuck in this limbo for another 30 years.

What if you break down and cry? It will be no big deal unless you make it so. I have plenty of friends doing PhDs and Masters, who have over the years broken down and cried at the university. Life goes on - tissues are to be had and people move on. Some people are so in their own little worlds that they didn't notice the crying Masters and PhDs.

When you write up your timetable for university - schedule in all the self care, self soothing, nutrition, DBT practice, CBT thought busting times, exercise, self compassion, SuperBetter, Mindfulness - you actually don't have a lot of time for meltdowns then as doing all that keeps you really busy! When you have routines, schedules, containment and regularity it will help stabilise your PTSD alot.

These things are what works for me - they may not be relevant to you and your recovery.

Due to your self hatred and inner harshness you will have a rugged time with Self Compassion at first - the backdraft thing. Your self hatred will bleed into your procrastination and flagellation - and your projection on to everyone else as being critical of you - it is to be expected, so kindness to yourself.

The fact that you created this thread speaks volumes on how far you have come and also bodes well on how far you will go. Keep reaching out and talking to everyone that you can.

All the Best,
ms spock

N.B be wary of the creativity of your self sabotage!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I dont have answers for something asap, other than benzos, but Seriquel XR worked for my anxiety, anger and rage caused by the anxiety and everything cooled down for me.

Also, DBT has been a HUGE help.

If you dont wanna buy or wait for the book, there's loads of DBT stuff online for free.

I got the app What's Up at the same time my therapist taught me how to feel my anxiety increasing and feel a rage explosion about a few secs before I explode so I can get myself out of the situation if possible. Even if its not a red hot blind rage explosion, just any sort of unnecessary and/or missplaced anger argument is likely being caused by anxiety. Im not sure how he taught me but i can now tune into 'my heart is pounding, hands and/or body shaking, I need to decompress before I loose it' type of thing. I can see it fast now but it was practice. I wasnt that fast at first. Its a 'notice what's going on inward at the time' thing.

Things do sneak up on me though and peak me from 0 to 100 instantly. But less.

Its a combination of all of that that helps me.

And I think also recongizing that you are dealing with some heavy issues in therapy and night time and stuff, and now just added school which is heavy anxiety driven stuff, cut yourself some slack. Breathe, its ok. I know it doesnt seem that way right now and I get the urgency, I had to get mine under control like yesterday due to work. I get it. Breathe.

Id start the DBT asap. Start praticing mindfulness as I think having anxiety under control is going to take a constant state of mindfulness if you will. What's Up is cool as its all in one place so that helps and maybe even journel or some form of express helps.

 

[Daisy1234]

Wow Ms Spock, stellar post! I'm going to refer to it for inspiration. You really tell it like it is.

 

[Daisy1234]

Simply Simon, no advice beyond what Ms Spock has to say, and lots of encouragement.

And I agree about the drugs/alcohol. I know at your (presumed) age, drinking/drugs is part of the social scene for many. I know it was for me, even in law school. Would at least minimizing the use be workable?

 

[mamachick]

Simon, you mentioned that your job can't fire you for not passing a drug test soon, so I am assuming that you work and are now taking on grad school. That in itself is a huge stress. You have just doubled your responsibility. Are you a perfectionist about how you perform? I am a bit so adding on such responsibility would make me touchy too.
Who are these people that you think are critical or looking at you funny? How important are they? I am guessing that since you got this offer you can't refuse, you must be extremely talented.

I went back to school as an adult, and each degree that I completed got easier. Grad school was actually easier that my BA because it was focused on my interest completely rather than more general or core studies. I had much more esteem then than now with ptsd, which I know would effect me as well. I think many of us are more sensitive to how we are viewed (anxiety causing), but just remember that others have nothing on you and keep telling yourself that. I hate to actually say this, but sometimes, faking it till you make it does work at times. Hold your head high and I am betting on your success.

 

[Suzetig]

I get that a lot. I've literally been in floods of tears because someone said they couldn't do a really minor thing that I asked them to because it felt like I had asked the wrong thing - so embarrassing but something I have so little control over. When I get that way I know now it's because I've been triggered. I find criticism (or more accurately the thought that I've done something wrong) very triggering - it literally drops me back into that life or death, fight or flight thing. The tears, for me, are a sign I'm having a flashback or dissociating in some way, that I'm not in my adult self and am responding as a child.

Actually just that knowledge has helped me find a way through it. The only thing that works is for me to be gentle with myself, remind myself that there's a reason why I respond that way but it doesn't belong to now, that it's a shadow of what went before when being "in trouble" felt life threatening and when any communication that wasn't a gold star felt like being in trouble. That lets me react without fighting myself too, the "get you're shit together" self talk just makes it worse for me, I know if I can be kind it'll pass much quicker.

I don't know if any of that makes sense or is helpful but I do feel your pain with this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My thoughts.... You are under way too much stress. Job, school coming up, being a mod here, and whatever else you take on in the world. Stress, stress stress..... Something has to give, or you need to find ways to de stress.