Everyday I break

[Evie loves Sam]

Everyday I break down in tears. I can't function as I would like during the day. It was recommended I join an online support group, but this doesn't feel right for me. I am struggling to express myself and I can't talk about what I have been through online. Save for it being severe psychological abuse and gaslighting. I'm angry about what I have been through. I am depressed and anxious. I tried AI but it doesn't help.

 

[HomelessJoe]

You came to right place to vent those frustrations. I think a lot of the people here also break down frequently. I know I sure do. It can be nearly impossible to talk to someone about trauma when they haven't experienced it for themselves. A.I. hasn't even experienced breathing before so their understanding of the human experience is just words to A.I. I know it's hard to put yourself out there. But it can help to talk about what you've been through with people who know trauma.

There are some good people here who can not only listen and really feel what your saying. But also understand what your talking about on a personal level. I'm not saying this place is gonna fix everything for you. But it's a good step in the right direction. To feeling not alone.

 

[Evie loves Sam]

You came to right place to vent those frustrations. I think a lot of the people here also break down frequently. I know I sure do. It can be nearly impossible to talk to someone about trauma when they haven't experienced it for themselves. A.I. has even experienced breathing before so their understanding of the human experience is just words to A.I. I know it's hard to put yourself out there. But it can help to talk about what you've been through with people who know trauma.

There are some good people here who can not only listen and really feel what your saying. But also understand what your talking about on a personal level. I'm not saying this place is gonna fix everything for you. But it's a good step in the right direction. To feeling not alone.

Thank you Joe,

I do feel alone. I really want to talk about it with people who understand somewhat.

I was gaslighted for 15 years. I was originally diagnosed PTSD but my ex husband told me I 'self diagnosed and instead had delusional disorders. My PTSD diagnosis was dismissed and he convinced me although I said I felt misdiagnosed as I did not feel delusional. He said delusional people dont inow they are delusional and that I had no insight. I had insight, it was PTSD, only ever PTSD, he was making it worse for me, distorting my reality and interfering with my treatment when I was already struggling. I've been 'assessed' by 15 psychiatrists who repeatedly said PTSD. I've been through hell and traumatised more.

My ex gaslighted me and emotionally abused me frequently. Accusations, blame (even for other people's behaviour or what they say), intimidation, threats, criticising, instructing and chastising as you would a child. I could do one thing and he'd vilify me, so I'd do the opposite or exactly what he wanted, then he would vilify me. I could not do anything but stand still for fear of making mistakes. Then I was vilified for doing nothing at all.

I need to talk to someone, but there is no therapy available. I've been let down by the institutions. I feel a great injustice. And, now I am looking at the last 15 years feeling it was waisted. My ex wont stop. He got worse when I agreed divorce. I'm trying to get on with life.

I am scared he will read this. He already does 'use' everything he can to hurt me. I can't get the image of him smirking when I lost it and yelled at him. He and his family 'poke' and 'poke' and 'apply pressure' until they break people. Every name you can call someone, they use.

He never loved me. I wasn't what he wanted in a girl. But why make me suffer like that, and suffer more by gaslighting while I was already so low as to have PTSD?

Is anyone in a good enough place to listen? I don't want to burden others, but I need to talk to someone. Everyday, he makes me break - 15 years of distorting my reality while I am suffering, is...I don't know the right word.

 

[HomelessJoe]

I'm sorry your ex sounds like a piece of shit. Kinda why I've avoided relationships for years. People who don't know trauma cant live with it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that for so long. In my past attempts at relationships were me constantly trying to not let them know about my trauma. The fact that you tried to let him in repeatedly. Says shows how much you wanted him to except you and love you unconditionally.
Sounds like you did everything right. Sadly even the divorce. His familys way of dealing with people sounds extremely toxic. You need to focus on gaining some control of your trauma before you can tolerate narrasists. I'm glad you got away from that relationship. I hope you can find a path with less resistance to what you need now.

 

[Evie loves Sam]

You came to right place to vent those frustrations. I think a lot of the people here also break down frequently. I know I sure do. It can be nearly impossible to talk to someone about trauma when they haven't experienced it for themselves. A.I. hasn't even experienced breathing before so their understanding of the human experience is just words to A.I. I know it's hard to put yourself out there. But it can help to talk about what you've been through with people who know trauma.

There are some good people here who can not only listen and really feel what your saying. But also understand what your talking about on a personal level. I'm not saying this place is gonna fix everything for you. But it's a good step in the right direction. To feeling not alone.

Sorry Joe, I didn't realise what you are going through yourself. I was worried I would be homeless, and its still a worry of mine. I know homeless in my area and people who were, then found housing. Many of them broke down in tears when I talked to them but they also always sounded wiser and more mentally healthy than those working the 9-5 with a mortgage. Is it ok that I say that? I never know anymore, if what I say is ok, on account of my ex.

 

[HomelessJoe]

True I don't have a mortgage anymore but I still work. It's ok to ask questions to the homeless. Probably why those people you talked to cryed. Most people don't give us the time of the day. Just dirty looks and rude comments. Being approached as a human is a reminder we all need sometimes. Also true there is a wisdom is the way most homeless people talk. When you live at the bottom you learn to appreciate everything a little more.

 

[Evie loves Sam]

There is wisdom in appreciating the everday things. I guess I find it hard to find joy in anything at present. It's part of the depression I am told. I wasn't raised with lots of money or things. I appreciated the smell of the sea, the orange and pink of a sunrise, a sky full of stars, the breeze on my face (oh how I loved a breeze), the smell left after a rain shower on hot ground, and my freedom and independence. I made up my own stories with my imagination of adventures in far away lands. I fought battles in my mind and stood up for what I believed in, in real life. I had a strong sense of ethics and morality and cared greatly for people. All qualities I thought showed character and strength. But, it feels hopless because of the injustice. The system is broken and unjust, then I feel a scapegoat of it. What happened should never have been given the opportunity to happen.

 

[Rose White]

I cry every day too. I feel like civilization is based on cruelty. Society is a system that rewards abuse of power and greed. Most days I feel like a failure. And then I remember that the voice that says I’m a failure is the voice of the sexual abusers saying, “Clean this mess up.” It’s so hard. I wish I could allow someone to care for me but I’m terrified of the trap so I find people who either pretend to care or can’t because of their own mental issues. It’s only safe if I’m in control and doing the care. But I can see it now and I’m sober so I’m trying very hard to change my patterns, to reject the negative voice and choose presence. It’s so f*cking hard and I get frozen a lot. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I like how you described looking at the stars and smelling the rain. That resonates with me. I’m in a kind of breakdown/breakthrough right now.

 

[Evie loves Sam]

I cry every day too. I feel like civilization is based on cruelty. Society is a system that rewards abuse of power and greed. Most days I feel like a failure. And then I remember that the voice that says I’m a failure is the voice of the sexual abusers saying, “Clean this mess up.” It’s so hard. I wish I could allow someone to care for me but I’m terrified of the trap so I find people who either pretend to care or can’t because of their own mental issues. It’s only safe if I’m in control and doing the care. But I can see it now and I’m sober so I’m trying very hard to change my patterns, to reject the negative voice and choose presence. It’s so f*cking hard and I get frozen a lot. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I like how you described looking at the stars and smelling the rain. That resonates with me. I’m in a kind of breakdown/breakthrough right now.

I am so sorry you went through that and that you are struggling with PTSD.

I don't feel safe. Even fireworks are making me feel unsafe, but those have a sensory shock with the loud noises.

I undersrand the frozen feeling, it was my go-to 'freeze' response.

But before I had energy, now I feel I waist my days. I am so tired. I wake at 2am and then struggle to sleep until 8am. Then I pass out until 1pm. I want a productive day, but even the little things take so long. I just want to sit under a blanket and talk to someone - anyone.

I start a new job soon. I am scared of everything to do with lack of motivation, to dealing with conflict to 'not being good enough' - it all aligns with my experience of my ex, I know. I have that insight.

I have the insight to work on just starting something. Or just doing a little bit. But, I could have everything done in a couple of days before, now, I just want to sit under a blanket and talk to someone.

I have a family, but they can't hear me. I have a bff who talks to me but she can't hear me. Its that I don't want to burden them and I don't want them to see me hurting. And, that I renumerate over the situation because it is so unjust. That it's not fair on them that I repeat myself.

I need therapy with someone who can handle the circling and get me back to motivation. I desperately need to unstick / unfreeze and see some kind of forward momentum. 15 years is a long time to have lived in an alternative reality designed by my ex.

Why is it so hard? I'm not completely stupid, I don't believe I am completely stupid, but I feel others think I should be better than I am or less stupid. So I feel stupid. That's another gift of my ex right there. See the problem? I am in circling hell. And, stalling / frozen. I can see it, I can unpack it, I can't fix it yet.

Why can't you allow people to care for you?

I desperately want someone to just hold me while I cry. He never held me, so I am a little awkward, but to have someone genuine hold me while I sob, would mean the world. I miss my parents hugging me I guess. He never hugged me unless for a photo. He didn't kiss me. No affection for 11 years, gaslighting for 15 years. I cried when my bff died of a brain tumour, he'd tell people to just leave me alone and then shame me saying 'I should see myself' - one of his favorite phrases if I complained, raised the abuse or cried.

I've gone on. Sorry.

 

[HomelessJoe]

Your only a failure when you stop trying. Sounds like your not given in. Keep your head on the horizon. The world around us wont always be friendly. Looking to the past is always painful. Either of happy memories we miss or bad memories we don't want. Looking forward can be what we want it to be.

When I lost my housing rights I didn't just go to a shelter and beg for help. I didn't give up on my community or my job. I turned my work van into a home and kept working. Kept helping people fix their homes or build new ones. I feel like a failure when I'm not working towards the future. The society and the system is broken.

There isnt a engine or structural that can't be rebuilt. It is our minds that make that determination. Just like ourselves. We want to rebuild ourselves. Long way of saying. Don't let the trauma stop you from getting where you want to be.

Nobody can tell you what you want more than yourself. You know what you want. When the trauma comes to mind you got to push forward. Don't look to the past look to the future. Be stronger than the trauma. I can't say I'm a success story. I break down and need to repair too. Just saying it's how I fake a smile and get back to work.

 

[Rose White]

I understand being with people who don’t care, it’s a pattern I developed to keep me safe, not let anyone in. And of course you want someone to just hold you while you cry, you deserve that. Glad you are sharing your pain, as hard as it is; it helps others not feel so alone in theirs, as miserable as that sounds.

 

[Evie loves Sam]

There isnt a engine or structural that can't be rebuilt. It is our minds that make that determination. Just like ourselves. We want to rebuild ourselves. Long way of saying. Don't let the trauma stop you from getting where you want to be.

That's good advice - to rebuild stronger than before and not let it stop you from the end goal. I guess it's where to focus energy - what makes the structure unstable. Then that's core belief work?