Everyday Winding Road

[fin]

Everyday is a constant struggle, but I am doing this here, I am learning to manage my PTSD'ed life and I am learning more about myself everyday. It seems sometimes that there is an overwhelming amount of work to do on ME, but I am doing it here and this forum -you people here, are helping me see soo much.

I have had some responses in my life that have really encouraged and supported me and also some that have just seemed to criticise and try to make me feel like shit, BUT I am still here and still trying. Just like all of us, I am trying to get a better handle on my life and manage my PTSD.

I have some feelings very justified about some things and also I know I have a very long way to still go without PTSD triggered "feelings". And that will mean I have to work on PTSD management for the rest of my life, but I can see that we can ALL do this. It is possible to live with PTSD.

I hope it wont always be soo full on -like it is to me at the moment, because it is very challenging right now. But I also know-I am completely cognizant of the work involved.

I hope also that when someone talks or speaks to me in life now, that they are coming from a place of encouragement and support. That they want to see me doing better, just as I want to see everyone else have good lives I hope that others feel the same for me.

And that requires me working on this myself, no one else can do this for me, I have limited tools and resources, but I also have you good people here and this forum, you bring so much to my life it is almost too big and wild for me to comprehend sometimes.

Good wishes to everyone here, and warm and fuzzies also.:Hug_emoticon:

Your dear ol' pal, and friend...yes little ol' me!!
~fin


We can all do this

 

[fin]

I am not always able to be succinct and I know this. But I have also spent a lot of my life having kept my mouth shut and having no choice but to take anything that anyone wanted to say or do to me.

I also know that for me these last three months have been the first interaction I have had with people in a long time, and it takes some getting used to. And I will screw up I am not wonder woman...despite having the costume upstairs hah!!

For me just using the interent is a trigger also, let alone talking and owning my thoughts, feelings and opinions in a room full of people that I do not always know, this is hard work we all are doing here.

I try as hard as I can to work through this in the only constructive way I know how to -so far. And when I try to offer anything to anyone else I try to do it the best I can for them. And it is up to others whether they read it and take it how it is intended, or even if they read it at all.

We all have choices and here on this forum is no different.

I know that there will be some people whether it is in realworld or even here that will not care for me, I know I cannot be liked by everyone and while I am saddened by this knowledge... it is ok not to be liked. If I needed and wanted to be liked by everyone I would still be a victim living with abuse.

It is a winding road, but I am getting a little bit closer to feeling fine, I hope that all of us do. PLease know you can and please know you are not alone.

peace and love
~fin

 

[fin]

Today has been a bitter battle with the PTSD and everything it stands for, I am so tired and emotionally drained.

I want to say something deep and profound about what I have learnt or not learnt... BUT I am stuggling to stay with it. I am also wondering if this has somehow becoming an extension of my diary. It wasnt meant to be I know that. this forum and what happens here is really quite profound, and with that I am finding it harder and haredr rightnow to focus on just spelling owrds again. So I should probably stop, it is that I am almost afrid at the moment that I will spiral as I know I have to a certain extent been able to manage better here in this forum. But I am going to walk away now and hopefully I will be alright still. There is nothing hopefully that I will do and I dont even want to type on that any more because other wise I start thinking about things like that so.

Im sorry that people dont like me here, well not all people...but then nobody reallly knows me any way and I dont really know anyone else.. and so I also know that some of thsi is PTSD in all its glory again. But I know I am begining to think it is so ok to be me...kind of. I am still really struggling with this, as I am not comfortable with anything about myself, and I am still very struggling in knowing who I am and why I am. And also so many of my thoughts... this is hard stuff we do here. BUt we can all do it.

We are none of us alone in it here. Actually I know why I started this thread...yeah no its gone again. crap

sorry
~fin