Everything has continued to get worse.

[Sky]

I dont know if people can see my last post on here but I made it about 2 years ago. Im 17 now and everything has continued to get worse. I was a victim of child pornography and repeated rapes when I was 13-15 and it became very talked about on the internet. People share cp of me like its a meme, blame me, harass me, mock me, and post me on 4chan constantly. Ive stayed mostly offline for the past two years but its just gotten worse and my life has spiralled out of control. My parents seperated because one of them thinks its all my fault. Even though I have autism so im very vulnerable to that stuff and I didnt understand the abuse stuff at the time. I have now finished EMDR multiple times and lots of other therapies but nothing helped. I even did TMS which didnt work. I cant handle tens of thousands of people hating me, i just cant do it anymore. And i dont to live in a world where people share cp of me as a joke. They even comment about me and say they hope I kill myself, and its hard because I really want to. Sometimes strangers from the internet even call the cops to my house to harass me, and it sucks because the cops use excessive force with me and blame me for my abuse. I domt wanna live in this world at all.

 

[joeylittle]

@Sky - I'm really sorry to read about how much you're struggling.

Is there a counselor you're working with, now?

 

[Sky]

@Sky - I'm really sorry to read about how much you're struggling.

Is there a counselor you're working with, now?

I have been in counseling (before trauma, for depression) since 5 years old and tried various types. then when my trauma happened we tried more trauma focused therapies but no form has ever seemed to shake me

 

[joeylittle]

When was the last time you saw someone?

 

[Sky]

When was the last time you saw someone?

Yesterday

 

[joeylittle]

Can I ask, what did you talk about?

 

[Sky]

Can I ask, what did you talk about?

I talked about how I cant take it anymore, and she said I have to work on not letting it control me anymore because its just on the internet and not real. That's what they always say but I havent been able to stop letting it control me because it hurts so much and its scary

 

[joeylittle]

That's what they always say but I havent been able to stop letting it control me because it hurts so much and its scary

I hear that.

Has anyone given you any real, practical advice on how to "work on not letting it" control you?

What you're dealing with is very hard, and scary, and I do not doubt that it feels very much like it will never end. A big part of learning to help yourself, when these feelings become overwhelming, is experimenting with different ways you can most effectively get your mind on something else. This is called "distraction" - and it's not always easy to find things that will work, I know it's taken me awhile to figure some of them out for myself.

When you're feeling really really bad (like now) - it's OK to put your focus on getting through the next 10, 15 minutes. Right now, you won't be able to solve the bigger issue of this terrible thing in your life. That's OK. Right now, you can just do the next 15 minutes.

Are there things that you can do to get your mind busy with something different than thinking about the trauma, and how impossible it seems?

And don't be surprised if these things seem very simple. Often people can say "reading" or "watching TV" - but I find that those things can be too hard for me to stay focused on, my mind just drifts back to where I'm drowning. On the other hand, doing dishes can really help me. (I know, it's kinda ridiculous). Or games, either on my phone or inn those little books (like crosswords, sudoku, stuff like that).

Do you know what might work for you, in that way?

 

[Sky]

I hear that.

Has anyone given you any real, practical advice on how to "work on not letting it" control you?

What you're dealing with is very hard, and scary, and I do not doubt that it feels very much like it will never end. A big part of learning to help yourself, when these feelings become overwhelming, is experimenting with different ways you can most effectively get your mind on something else. This is called "distraction" - and it's not always easy to find things that will work, I know it's taken me awhile to figure some of them out for myself.

When you're feeling really really bad (like now) - it's OK to put your focus on getting through the next 10, 15 minutes. Right now, you won't be able to solve the bigger issue of this terrible thing in your life. That's OK. Right now, you can just do the next 15 minutes.

Are there things that you can do to get your mind busy with something different than thinking about the trauma, and how impossible it seems?

And don't be surprised if these things seem very simple. Often people can say "reading" or "watching TV" - but I find that those things can be too hard for me to stay focused on, my mind just drifts back to where I'm drowning. On the other hand, doing dishes can really help me. (I know, it's kinda ridiculous). Or games, either on my phone or inn those little books (like crosswords, sudoku, stuff like that).

Do you know what might work for you, in that way?

I haven't found something that works and honestly thats just why I do drugs. Sorry for the disappointing answer but drugs are seriously the only thing that can get me through that next 10 minutes. I cant even focus on stuff on my phone or things around my house, its really bad and thats why I don't wanna live anymore. It seems like my whole life has been a "just try to make it through the next 10 minutes" type of thing and I struggle to do even that. Like I literally cant focus on anything and have been like this for years. I guess I should just be done. Thank you for responding though, I appreciate it

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi, Sky.

I'm sorry about the abuse you've suffered, and I'm sorry people are treating you poorly on the internet. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish I could take away the hurt and make your struggle disappear.

Sometimes, when getting through five minutes feels like a full day of heartache, I go outside. I breath in the fresh air, and I watch the birds, butterflies, squirrels, any small creatures I can find. I lose myself in their activites. I don't know, but maybe this could be helpful for you, too.

Often, I find people too difficult to be around, but being around animals seems to help me.

I hope getting through this difficult time becomes easier for you.

I'm sending thoughts of comfort, peace, friendship, and healing.

 

[joeylittle]

Like I literally cant focus on anything and have been like this for years. I guess I should just be done.

Assuming you're in the US - have you ever talked with your counselor about residential treatment options, to work on the trauma after-effects and depression in a more immersive way?

You're stronger than you think.

 

[Sky]

Assuming you're in the US - have you ever talked with your counselor about residential treatment options, to work on the trauma after-effects and depression in a more immersive way?

You're stronger than you think.

Yeah ive been forced inpatient 6 times by the cops here and then done residential treatment 4 times in the last 2 years. Usually I just come out worse