General Everything I'm Saying Is Causing Triggers???

[annie8813]

I'm struggling to be there for my brother who is suffering in his life, at a very low point. When I try to be supportive he points out all the ways that I have it better than him. It seems everything I say or do triggers him. I literally feel that he despises me even attempting to have some peace in my life, because he is so miserable. We talk via text because we are 3 hours away. I feel often like he would be better off without my trying to help because he says mean things and hurts me. But when I try to defend myself, he says I'm making this all about me. He sometimes acts like he is avoiding me but if I give space, then he lashes out for that??? Any suggestions please!!! Idk what to do
I care about him so much but this is hurting me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First, you cannot blame yourself for the crap that is going on in his head. You aren't triggering him. He is being triggered.

Secondly, there is a difference between a trigger and a stressor. This link will help clarify. I found it very helpful. Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

As a supporter it is very easy to feel guilty if your sufferer is telling you they feel bad because of you and things you are doing. That is lashing out. You cannot blame yourself for the things that THEY need to own. THEY'RE doing it to themselves. Unless you know what their triggers are, and you are purposely triggering them for sport, it is not your doing.

 

[grimalkin]

@Sweetpea76 thank you for that link! It makes so much more sense to me.

@annie8813 Welcome to the wild world of PTSD. Without tools to cope with stress responses, it seems like everything is a stressor to a sufferer. My own sufferer can't deal with any sort of emotional conversations. Our negotiations have to be all just about money, separating our belongings, etc, and not even touch on emotions, or he shuts down. My HAVING emotions shuts him down (and then gets me berated and called abusive).

Be there for him, but don't take it personally. And if you need to step back, be free to enforce your boundaries and tell him it's not ok to treat you like that. And be prepared for more ranting and pain from him. It's hard to realize it's not about you, even when he says it's you. But, really, it's not you.

 

[annie8813]

@Sweetpea76 and @grimalkin , thanks for your responses. The link was helpful too. I just have to get some courage to enforce boundaries and remember I have that right and I'm not being selfish.