Everythings Wonderful And Then Bang

[Meadowsweet]

I find it very difficult to enjoy or celebrate something good happening. Over the past few years, everytime I'm nearing the end of another successful year at uni, I fight with the urge to self sabatage. Realising that I do it has made me question why I feel this way for years.

I know its quite common, and can be due to low self-esteem and feeling unworthy, fear of failure etc. This is something I experienced as a child.

But, the feelings now are different. The more I try to get a grasp of what I'm feeling, the more sick I feel.

There is a moment in my memory when my attacker ran into the garden where I was, and theres a split second that he looks like someone messing about, having fun. Then he attacks. Same as in domestic violence, he's a man I really really love to this day. And I can't quite grasp that I can feel that while he can want to hurt me.

My brain can't seem to fit those pieces of the puzzle together. But my emotions obviously can. So when there is something that I should enjoy, it triggers a feeling of that moment when everything changes and goes bad.

I know a lot of people find it difficult to enjoy the good stuff. But I wondered if others can relate it to the change from good to bad in domestic violence?

 

[Srain]

It's an interesting thought and right now I'm so wrapped up in my trauma processing that I'm weak on my response so forgive me. I want to think this over and come back to it but most certainly I can relate to the not being able to live in the "good" moments for long. Certainly fear, anticipation, and experience with trauma trips a wire in my brain running memories of danger or sadness.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The other thing I'm noticing about this, is the fear of standing out.

I am one grade away from getting a first degree (highest grade). And I am sorrowfully intelligent. I don't say that to boast. I'm a perfectionist and work really hard, and never feel like its good enough. So I don't think I'm wonderful or better than anyone else. I feel like I could have done better, no matter what.

But, in anger, people have said that I think I'm so good or whatever. I think with men I kind of recognise the ego that I need to build in them to keep myself ok. And I recognised once that I acted dumb and innocent as a protective thing.

But when I tried not to, because I blamed my 'acting dumb' for the last attack, I ended up being told I was a know it all. Thats not how I felt at all. I was facing my attacker, and trying not to show weakness.

So now I'm stuck between showing so much weakness that I attract people who think I'm an easy target to to take over and control, or showing myself to be intelligent and capable and being the person that seems to need showing that I'm not as good as people believe I think I am.

People dont know my thoughts, and they get it so wrong. But I'm incapable of communicating properly.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have had experiences when horrors followed (well actually occurred during) the happiest moments of my life, times when I was just feeling happy/ 'optimistic'/ relaxed. I'm afraid it will 'repeat'.
I realize there have been times I've felt happy and horrors haven't occurred, but it just made such an indelible impression I am filled with fear (not anxiety- more like under-riding terror) when I am happy, sometimes.

Plus I think it's pretty coomon with ptsd to always feel like the axe is going to fall. It certainly is with abuse I know.

Plus anxiety (in general, -let alone fear, or 'hypervigilance'), makes it hard to 'relax'.
So does the unpredictability of abuse, I think.
Same with sexual assault, etc.
JMHO, of course.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think it's pretty coomon with ptsd to always feel like the axe is going to fall.

Thats exactly how I feel junebug. If happiness or confidence in a subject rears its ugly head, its like I better watch out.

 

[soulofLC]

Your fear of standing out I can completely relate to. I sabatoged my career for that very reason. I lost friends and support when I "stood out." But I don't know if it is because I acted differently or if it was because of jealousy. I didn't think I acted any different than before. If anything, I tried to hide.

Keep being your smart self, Meadowsweet as much as you can. That is your right. And hold your head high; intelligence is something to be proud of, not to hide.

Love yourself for who you are with all of your heart. They will do what they will. You will not get them to shush by hiding your talents under a "bushel." At least that has been my experience, for what it is worth!

Kudos to you!

 

[soulofLC]

Re good to bad in domestic violence and it's relationship to fear of pleasure, enjoying the moment, I can relate to that.

While what I experienced was not physical but severe and sustained emotional violence in several instances, I can say that I do still love one of the men who abused me horribly over years. I don't know why; I just do. I know his pain, his modus operandi. But I had to escape him to survive.

I still love my last husband, in spite of the terrible things he did that heavily affected my life after his leaving me. In spite of the things I learned that he did while we were still married, which f'd my head up badly. It hurts my head to think about it. Hmmm...usually my heart hurts. Wonder why the change???

As for fearing good things, I don't know that I have had much to feel so good about lately. Or perhaps I am afraid to feel good about what I should feel good about. Just afraid to put it out there. If you are doing that much, putting it out there, then I would say you are doing pretty great!!!

Sorry it makes you feel a bit sick, though. That is understandable after what you describe. Just remember you deserve good things. Sounds pollyannaish, but it is true, isn't it?

 

[LittleBear]

Wow...I couldn't have opened a more applicable thread for/to me! I literally have had my worst episodes of panic and hyper-vigilance when I realized I was experiencing happiness. I have become a literal wreck, "crying, shaking, here it comes out of nowhere again, what's going to happen to wreck my happiness." I think and I am going to express this question or theory in a different thread but I think one of the things we feel most with PTSD is a sense of unfairness. "I didn't do anything to deserve this so why am I getting "creamed". Intelligent people try to find relationship or cause with events and when we get blind sided even if it doesn't make sense we will try and have it fit into a cause/effect paradigm. When we can't we turn it in-wards and start blaming ourselves or God or a feeling of worthlessness.

I seriously believe that people who really suffer terribly from inexplicable events are people that have a very well established sense of fair play and also a higher level of intelligence. Reason does not apply to many of the events that were our "generators". Not only that childhood latent fears that have an affect on us in our daily lives burst forward and out when we are faced with such an overwhelming unfair event we start trying to read any sign or event that might stimulate that fear. Like touching a bad burn...suddenly we're trying everything we can do to keep from either getting burned again or even having something touch that burned spot. Eventually, that burn heals and we're not scared of bumping the spot up against something but every once in a while we look down and see the scar and remember the pain of it. We then get "on guard" to prevent that from happening again.

I too am scared to death of being happy and it has reached a highly developed sense of paranoia if that is the proper "descriptor". Not only that I create the next event based on the inputs of recent stimuli. Doesn't matter if the there is no possible "deserving" of the imagined event only that I am trying to prepare, prevent. and protect. My Dad would do this and by the time he had cooked up an imagined event it was a catastrophe that was going to happen and then he would react in a panic motivated attempt to control or prevent the event.

Thanks for starting this thread....its awesome in its applicable effect.

LBear

 

[Tinyflame]

Meadowsweet, I understand I too have tried to 'hide' or 'blend in' (or 'disappear') all my life.

Someone said once, about growing up (also), being "A bit too smart for the pretty girls (clique)' and 'a bit too pretty for the smart girls (group)'.
But add into that, no desire to run people down/ gossip/ exclude, oh God there's about a trillion reasons to 'not fit in' anywhere. Let alone add in ptsd. :(

A great and wise friend here also told me, feeling like you don't belong (+/ or that you have to 'run'), is actually because of low-grade panic.

And yes, I think as far as abuse goes it's 'easier' to believe it than it seems to be to fight it/ be 'heard' or think you can stop it or stand up for yourself or affect change.

Hugs to you, and All, (((((Hugs)))))

 

[Meadowsweet]

This issue has escalated quite alot. I've always found it difficult after the stress of completing a semester. Thats why I was questioning it and trying to minimise my reaction to this final year.

But overnight, I kept losing any connection to the person who's done those essays and smiles and talks to people about ordinary stuff. I started panicking that I'd done something terrible, that I'm an imposter and a fraud and that I'll be exposed and find out that none of its true.

I can't think straight on this at the moment, and I'm just trying to ignore my thoughts and think about today.

 

[soulofLC]

Meadowsweet, it is so good you are aware of this. It is something you can work on overcoming instead of sabatoging yourself in your career, as I did. :(

 

[LittleBear]

Soul of LC: I'm with you on the sabotaging a career. I once and actually more than several times said that "No one had the right to hate me as much as I hated myself." Like right now. Yep...life is hard but it can be lived.

LB