Relationship Ex-boyfriend Dragging The Break-up Out...why?

[circe47]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel about your property. I have many things that are priceless that I would have a hard time letting go of. However, I think there is some good advice here in that letting go of property, sentimental value or not, is a good idea. I have a sort of similar (reverse) situation where my boyfriend on occasion has broken some sentimental items. I ask myself what is more important? Making my boyfriend feel like ten miles of bad road, or simply letting go and keeping our relationship on an even keel. Don't get me wrong, I'll miss my grams antique ginger jar and perfume decanter, but, I'd miss my boyfriend even more and he did these things on accident. There's no game being played, or any other hidden agenda behind my losses. It's not quiet the same thing as what you have going on, but it sorta gives you the idea that earthly possessions are not nearly as important as well as emotional serenity.

As for the question of why he's dragging things out, my guess is he's keeping you on a string- and successfully at that. Your repeated requests for your property tells him that these things are important to you and you probably won't go away until you get them back. So, in a nutshell, he is keeping you emotionally hostage by proxy. This is probably because somewhere deep inside, he is not ready to let you go. Keeping your property under his control is symbolic of his need to keep you waiting the wings, so to speak, while he tries out something new and different. Knowing you're in the background wanting your property gives him a sense of security in knowing that if this new fling doesn't work out, he can have you to fall back on.

It will be up to if getting your things back is worth continuing to give him his cake and eat it too. I would even hazard a guess that if you suddenly stopped contacting him, he'd soon come sniffing around. Watch, you'll see. If you choose to take this tack, then know that it is an emotional game you are playing with someone who is not worthy of you.

So you see, there really is only one of two things you can do- let the property go forever, or keep playing his game.

 

[ThursdayHope]

As for the question of why he's dragging things out, my guess is he's keeping you on a string- and successfully at that. Your repeated requests for your property tells him that these things are important to you and you probably won't go away until you get them back. So, in a nutshell, he is keeping you emotionally hostage by proxy. This is probably because somewhere deep inside, he is not ready to let you go. Keeping your property under his control is symbolic of his need to keep you waiting the wings, so to speak, while he tries out something new and different. Knowing you're in the background wanting your property gives him a sense of security in knowing that if this new fling doesn't work out, he can have you to fall back on.

It will be up to if getting your things back is worth continuing to give him his cake and eat it too. I would even hazard a guess that if you suddenly stopped contacting him, he'd soon come sniffing around. Watch, you'll see. If you choose to take this tack, then know that it is an emotional game you are playing with someone who is not worthy of you.

So you see, there really is only one of two things you can do- let the property go forever, or keep playing his game.

Thanks for taking the time to respond properly; I genuinely mean that.

Actually, I didn't contact him for three months and he didn't contact me so I doubt he'd start "chasing" me or whatever if I left him alone and I wouldn't be into that game either. You may be right that he's not willing to let me go but that decision's already been made. As far as I can tell, I wouldn't win the game by letting it go because then he'd always have the option of getting in touch with the pretext of giving the stuff back, you see? He'd have the excuse. For me, I see one way to end the game: get my stuff back. It eliminates any pretext for either of us to contact one another. So, I'm going to do that. Just wish he wouldn't make it so complicated!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Actually, you can't control the responses that people give, nor does it do you any good to get mad when someone doesn't answer you directly. Please don't insult us because we don't tell you exactly what you want to hear.

I often give my opinion on a topic even if it's not what the original poster asks simply because what I have to say is often an aspect of the situation that may have been overlooked, or I may have "been there, done that" and can see things from a different perspective.

The advice to simply "let go" was good advice. He can string you along for years if he wants to, knowing your items mean so much to you. That is, it's a method of control. He is incredibly out of control at this point and he knows he can keep you in his life, albeit at arms length, simply by keeping your stuff. Or, maybe he's pulling a "Definitely Maybe" sort of move (have you seen that movie?) Yes, it's the last piece of you that he has left, and he may not want to give it up as then things are definitely over.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes, it doesn't have anything to do with PTSD. Sometimes people do stuff like that. There was nothing in you initial post that indicated a connection to a PTSD reaction, but plenty to suggest it is relational. That's why, for myself I didn't go there. I have PTSD by the way... my first love didn't, and neither did my ex husband. Assholes? Well yeah.

 

[anthony]

There are many problems here... and it could be any number / combination of factors. You could simply be too hard for him now, having been there with him through the trauma and now he feels you pity him or such. He could simply be using it all as an excuse to get away from you, and with someone else. He could be moving in with someone purely because its new, and thus they don't know his past... people with PTSD do that often, bounce from relationship, to relationship, each not knowing nothing about the past and making the sufferer feel alive, new, reborn, excitement of new love, so forth...

He could be making things up to make you feel better... blaming PTSD or anxiety or such, just to get away from you. He could be doing it all subconsciously because of the above reasons, being he can't really handle you knowing so much and him not wanting sympathy or such... males are renown for that one. There really are lots of possibilities to this.

 

[Seaotter]

Personally, I think he's keeping it as a doorway. I had a guy do this once - he is affectionately named "vanishing dude". We were close, grew up together, and poof one day he was gone. I asked him for my yearbook back, I never ever got a response, I reached out asking if his sister was on the ground when my friend was missing in the UN building in Haiti - no response. I offered to send a courier over and collect it - it was my yearbook, 13 of my friends died in a year and a half when I was 17 - some had written in there. It wasn't just stuff. My advice - do you have a mutual friend that could collect it for you?