ShotGunRider
New Here
Unfortunately, my story echoes many in this forum, which has really comforted me. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and I are both military; currently he's serving in South Korea on a year long tour, which is over half done. Like so many, our battle began roughly 3 months into our relationship when I felt like I was hit unexpectedly by a freight train that kept on moving. The first time was when he came back from a military training, the second time was the week before we were to go to meet his family on the E. Coast. The 5th or so time was right before he was to come with me to my family reunion in another state. I see the pattern and I can now sense when his "funk" is setting in. I'm more able to predict it and see it than he.
Backstory: his father, an alcoholic/drug-abuser left when he was a child, and his mom died unexpectedly after a routine procedure when he was 15. He went to live with his brother, a Marine, and 16 years his senior thereafter. From what I can see, his brother was a mature adult, equipped with managing the death of their mother and expected my boyfriend to act tough and "bite the bullet" to get through it. He lived with his brother and sister-in-law (a fairytale couple) when his brother was deployed for a second time as an EOD Tech. He was killed by a secondary IED on this deployment. His wife (my BF's sister-in-law) was 8 months pregnant at the time. My boyfriend was also at MEPS shipping to Boot Camp that very day. After talking it over with his sister-in-law, they decided that his brother would have wanted him to go, so he did. Again, he was forced to "bite the bullet" and swallow all of his emotions. He was slotted as an Air Force Combat Controller, which is a pretty elite job. He failed out within the first couple of weeks, because he was "checked out" he said. He was subsequently stuck in a position he hates, so I know he feels regret and disappointment.
Flash forward, I meet the love of my life. I never associated the red flags as what they were until recently. He had never been in a relationship longer than 3 months (he's 25). He never mourned the loss of his mother or brother. He is active duty and constantly moves, so he keeps all relationships fairly superficial. He's the most fun loving, caring, good-natured man I've ever met. Everyone loves him. I love him.
I visited him after the holidays and the second night he looked at me very lovingly and said he realized last month that it just "clicked" for him. I was there for 2 weeks, and the second to last day I noticed him starting to go into a "funk". I've learned to not dismiss certain things and ignore them, so we had a decent talk. He broke up with me very cold-heartedly 2 days after I returned. I heard from him 2 weeks later and he wanted to do anything to prove he was in this for the long haul. He started counseling there, but the program he was in ended after 4 sessions. He sent heart felt care packages and poems. He seriously brought up me moving to be with him in another state when he returned (something we assumed, but never spoke of). He wanted to get better with me by his side.
He flew in from Korea last week to surprise me for my birthday. We saw a counselor, virtually, a few weeks ago, and saw her in person on my birthday. The evening was wonderful after. He sparked a conflict the next night and immediately packed his bags and left, leaving me broken hearted, again. I'm a strong woman, and I don't need him. I was single for 5 years prior to meeting him, so it wasn't something I just fell into. It's easy for friends and family to say "move on", although they love him and us together, they see the torture it is for me. If this was a man who was not "broken", I would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I see a person that wants it really badly, but is floundering. He's never said "I love you", but his actions have always supported the love he has for me. I hate making excuses for a person's hurtful actions, but I'm truly able to see what he's going through. He pushes me away for a week and feels good about his decision, then comes back willing to do anything. He's not a cheater, I'm absolutely certain. Naturally, I take him back; I tried to do it slowly last time, but it's a man I love and we've been together for a period of time that makes it hard to go slowly.
I'm not worried about my pride of being the first to break radio-silence. I realize now that he thrives on the high-school like drama associated with up and downs. I think that's how he's able to "feel" something. He is open with his inability to connect. I've never made the conscious decision to move on, because I feel that although he's out of control right now, it's gotten better. I won't say exponentially better, but better, nonetheless. I've learned to give him his space as this is the only way he knows how to deal with it. My greatest fear is that I'll allow him too much space where he really does move on or feels like I'm leaving him. I know that's, subconsciously, a major fear of his-everyone leaving his life. I think he chooses to leave first in order to not be left and feel the pain associated with it. Little does he realize, that's what he's doing to me.
I'm not naive to what's going on, and the amount of time, dedication, and patience it would ultimately take to be with a person like this. Truthfully, I'm here because I don't care to get the "you're wonderful, move on" speech. Reading and relating to other peoples' stories helps me a great deal. I'd love recommendations you've found to be successful, but I realize that not all PTSD is a cookie-cutter. Hopefully someone can find comfort in what I'm going through right now, especially a woman determined to show her significant other what way is "up".
Backstory: his father, an alcoholic/drug-abuser left when he was a child, and his mom died unexpectedly after a routine procedure when he was 15. He went to live with his brother, a Marine, and 16 years his senior thereafter. From what I can see, his brother was a mature adult, equipped with managing the death of their mother and expected my boyfriend to act tough and "bite the bullet" to get through it. He lived with his brother and sister-in-law (a fairytale couple) when his brother was deployed for a second time as an EOD Tech. He was killed by a secondary IED on this deployment. His wife (my BF's sister-in-law) was 8 months pregnant at the time. My boyfriend was also at MEPS shipping to Boot Camp that very day. After talking it over with his sister-in-law, they decided that his brother would have wanted him to go, so he did. Again, he was forced to "bite the bullet" and swallow all of his emotions. He was slotted as an Air Force Combat Controller, which is a pretty elite job. He failed out within the first couple of weeks, because he was "checked out" he said. He was subsequently stuck in a position he hates, so I know he feels regret and disappointment.
Flash forward, I meet the love of my life. I never associated the red flags as what they were until recently. He had never been in a relationship longer than 3 months (he's 25). He never mourned the loss of his mother or brother. He is active duty and constantly moves, so he keeps all relationships fairly superficial. He's the most fun loving, caring, good-natured man I've ever met. Everyone loves him. I love him.
I visited him after the holidays and the second night he looked at me very lovingly and said he realized last month that it just "clicked" for him. I was there for 2 weeks, and the second to last day I noticed him starting to go into a "funk". I've learned to not dismiss certain things and ignore them, so we had a decent talk. He broke up with me very cold-heartedly 2 days after I returned. I heard from him 2 weeks later and he wanted to do anything to prove he was in this for the long haul. He started counseling there, but the program he was in ended after 4 sessions. He sent heart felt care packages and poems. He seriously brought up me moving to be with him in another state when he returned (something we assumed, but never spoke of). He wanted to get better with me by his side.
He flew in from Korea last week to surprise me for my birthday. We saw a counselor, virtually, a few weeks ago, and saw her in person on my birthday. The evening was wonderful after. He sparked a conflict the next night and immediately packed his bags and left, leaving me broken hearted, again. I'm a strong woman, and I don't need him. I was single for 5 years prior to meeting him, so it wasn't something I just fell into. It's easy for friends and family to say "move on", although they love him and us together, they see the torture it is for me. If this was a man who was not "broken", I would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I see a person that wants it really badly, but is floundering. He's never said "I love you", but his actions have always supported the love he has for me. I hate making excuses for a person's hurtful actions, but I'm truly able to see what he's going through. He pushes me away for a week and feels good about his decision, then comes back willing to do anything. He's not a cheater, I'm absolutely certain. Naturally, I take him back; I tried to do it slowly last time, but it's a man I love and we've been together for a period of time that makes it hard to go slowly.
I'm not worried about my pride of being the first to break radio-silence. I realize now that he thrives on the high-school like drama associated with up and downs. I think that's how he's able to "feel" something. He is open with his inability to connect. I've never made the conscious decision to move on, because I feel that although he's out of control right now, it's gotten better. I won't say exponentially better, but better, nonetheless. I've learned to give him his space as this is the only way he knows how to deal with it. My greatest fear is that I'll allow him too much space where he really does move on or feels like I'm leaving him. I know that's, subconsciously, a major fear of his-everyone leaving his life. I think he chooses to leave first in order to not be left and feel the pain associated with it. Little does he realize, that's what he's doing to me.
I'm not naive to what's going on, and the amount of time, dedication, and patience it would ultimately take to be with a person like this. Truthfully, I'm here because I don't care to get the "you're wonderful, move on" speech. Reading and relating to other peoples' stories helps me a great deal. I'd love recommendations you've found to be successful, but I realize that not all PTSD is a cookie-cutter. Hopefully someone can find comfort in what I'm going through right now, especially a woman determined to show her significant other what way is "up".
