Ex Friend: What Would You Have Done?

[OKRADLAK]

I have been having a hard time getting away from someone who promised me the world.

I have other times separated from this person, but this time I had to say some very harsh things because it's been more than a decade. He actually had the immense cruelty to take me to a lush wedding planner, fitted me with expensive dresses and rings, and then said-again-he could not.

It is very hard because he made me so dependent on him emotionally and for necessities as can be imagined after more than a decade.

Many people in my life said I should just keep him around as a friend for these things, even though I have grown to despise him. However, I did not want to use him as he used me. I don't know why. It made me feel like the bad person.

So now it is hard indeed. I am without his support on many levels. These were not just whimsies, but things I needed. So, my life's course will change. Where once I was going to be taken care of, now it's on my own as a very poor person.

The difference will be things such as losing some teeth he was going to help me preserve, which is a big thing indeed, and even rent, car, food, and the likes. I really thought we were going to make it. :(

I have a few friends and even family who think I am a damn fool for telling him I am not going to put up with his crap. A person in my situation should get help from any corner, moral or not. I do not agree......but I wonder.....is this normal?

What would you have done?

Stuck to principles and preserve self respect or kept him around to preserve life and health?

 

[Eleanor]

Principles for me. What is your soul worth? Your integrity? I think you are very wise.

 

[The Albatross]

Integrity for me as well, though I do take extra precautions to make sure my thinking is not distorted. I could have made one heck of a mistake several times.

 

[Philippa]

Principles and integrity are way more important...though teeth are pretty important. I had to bite the bullet one time and ask my father for help with my teeth, but I had abscesses and was in huge amounts of pain. I put it off for ten whole years though before giving in.

Now I don't care about the inheritance, which so called friends were saying to me "But what about your inheritance". I found that really f*cked up and it made me question the friendship with them that they have their priorities so far up their own bums.

It's astounding how many people will forfeit their self-respect and integrity for material gain.

 

[Srain]

I have been in similar positions where all my "needs" would be taken care of or so it was said, however, the price?? I have watched those who have buckled under for a buck and seen how that turned out, it's not something I was willing sellout for and believe me there have been times I tried to due to my financial and emotional insecurities.

If I had been able to I doubt I would ever have had questioned whether I could go forward with it or not, and I am guessing this is what may be going on with you. If I had never let go I would never have found what I knew was much better for me. I understand your concerns about finances, teeth are important but there are ways of getting help with those other than having someone hold that over your head.

I'm not sure what kind of people think it's in your best interest to sell yourself short for financial gain but I believe you are the type of woman who can expect so much more out of relationship and you deserve to find that out.

Hugs,
Rain

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you guys for your responses. I have not contacted him again though it has been hard.

I am not able to be in any other relationships so that was kinda my last. And he was rather understanding to a point. I think taking me to see wedding dresses and backing out was the final straw.

So I am trying to accept my fate......one of crushing poverty in a place disconnected with the services I had when I was with him.

It is a hard thing to age with a disability on your own without resources. Even if I won the lottery now, the amount of damage all this has caused to my family can not be ameliorated. I feel rather hopeless. But I am glad I left him instead of having him tell me, "go!"

 

[Eleanor]

It is hard to be the one needing. And it is a great blessing to others to give them the opportunity to help you meet your needs. So... maybe you might not be as poor as it seems at the moment. There are lots of kinds of poor - and they are all susceptible to change. It is a situation that a person finds herself in, not an attribute of the person - as a friend of mine (who has been in and out of poor a few times) says.

 

[Srain]

I couldn't have said it better, Eleanor.

(((((((((((((OKRADLAK))))))))))))))) I know it hurts and stings now but don't let this person steal the future you still have, age is just a number and what you see is not what others see. Take time and heal but know that you a lifetime of crappy treatment is never worth $. Please take care.

 

[mamachick]

It is a hard thing to age with a disability on your own without resources. Even if I won the lottery now, the amount of damage all this has caused to my family can not be ameliorated. I feel rather hopeless. But I am glad I left him instead of having him tell me, "go!"

You have done the right thing, preserve what is yours and at the very deep core or yourself, self respect, morals, values, integrity, and your soul.

You invested in something and you lost. Unfortunately, it was a relationship rather than the stock market or a pension, that might be easier to get over.

I know that you feel rather hopeless right now. Let yourself heal and be good to yourself however you can. I dont know all of your situation, but I have felt very similiar (I am middle aged, disabled, and poor female) after investing into relationships and not protecting myself (men, childrens education, etc). I have deferred my own career and health needs.

I just recently typed up a three year goal and objective plan for career, and will be doing one for health. It gives me hope. I could not have done this one year ago. I had to heal a bit first. Anyway, what works for me, may not for someone else-but we all have to search for ways of regaining hope. Find every resource you can to help with your needs, sometimes there are funds that I never thought of. I just discovered that many state traumatic brain injury associations have funds for dental work and eye glasses.

I may have a distorted view and do not like the way that I think as a female. AS a teenager, back in the 70's, I remember an acquaintance with a chevy van and a sign in it that read "gas, ass or grass-nobody rides for free". It was a joke of course-but feels like my reality now. Men want a sexual relationship and then are eager to help with things I cannot do. There are a few that I can pay to cut the grass or move some boxes that I cant do. Being disabled has left me dependent on relationships that were bad for me and it made it harder to end them. Yet even after ending them, I have still done the nice thing when they have been in need. Im either that caring or that stupid.

My possible distortion is that at the core of the issue-being in such relationships is prostituting ourselves. It is even worse because there is not verbal contract, its a dance of hoping they will do the right thing because our emotions are involved. (I am not speaking of providing just sex, it is listening at the end of the day, companionship, cooking, cleaning, or whatever else we may do). If the man would have paid a cleaning lady, a chef, a therapist, a hooker, etc-we would not be broke, they would.

You have done the right thing. I have been out of the relationship for 2 years, and am learning that if I put my energy into investing in myself rather than others first, I would be so much futher ahead, but it is never too late. Hugs