Relationship What would you do? Triggered by something I said..been kicked out..

[Lilla]

Hello,

My partner was triggered by something I said, he lost it, and said it was over..
He has ptsd and we've been together for 4 years, some living in different states, the last one living together.

He has been quite stressed lately, but also really been making an effort in the relationship. I know I didn't say anything offensive or bad but he blamed me for having triggered him. I was concerned by how angry he was and I've learnt there is no reasoning with him when he's like this, so I left it and waited till the day after it happened when he seemed calmer to ask how he was doing.. oh boy did he shout even louder..but admitted he was ashamed about what was happening.

I tried to calm him down, but he kept shouting to take all my stuff and leave. So I did. I was shaken, angry, worried for him and I had nowhere to go myself..

I am ok now, staying with friends in a different state, trying to focus on myself. We haven't spoken since this happened ten days ago but I am still worried for him, he doesn't have anyone I could call to check on him..I've tried to call him a couple of times and I left him a message saying I was ok and hoping he was better and had support from his therapist, but no response.

I am not really sure what to do..I read somewhere that to lovingly detach is the best thing you can learn to do in a ptsd relationship but just to walk away from the man you love while he's not well is heartbreaking and doesn't feel right.

On the other hand, I know that repeatedly trying to contact him is just going to add to his stress. I also don't want to justify his behaviour towards me but I am sad he's alone, not well and feeling ashamed and guilty.

What would you do? Also interested to hear from sufferers who read the supporter forum what is the best thing your partner could do in these circumstances?

Thank you

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d call the police to do a wellness check.

Yes, he’ll be mad, but at least you’ll know he’s ok.

 

[Kubash16]

From a sufferer standpoint: sure I would love the person I’m with to be completely understanding and patient and be there for me for no matter what. But the reality is, you have to take care of you just like I have to take care of me. Yes he’s suffering, but he is an adult and has to take responsibility for himself and his own care. You can’t do it for him. The only thing you can do is take care of you and be clear with both him and yourself about your boundaries.

 

[Freida]

I agree with @EveHarrington ...ask for a welfare check. Be ready for them to ask about his mental heath, drug history and available weapons. Be honest with them.

You could also reach out to his t with your concerns. She can't tell you how has doing but can tell you he's alive.

 

[Justmehere]

In terms of his welfare, being pissed at a girlfriend and breaking up with her usually isn’t grounds for a welfare check, even if mental health issues are tied up in it. If you are concerned he could take his life or harm another, that’s a different matter. If you are unsure, you can call a crisis line and they can make the decision, possibly even place a phone call to him, and see how he is doing. He’s got a therapist to support him too.

I’m glad you have connected to friends and are getting support for you as well.

As for him stating it’s over and not engaging contact with you, I’d take him at his word. Don’t discount what he is saying because he’s got PTSD. As a sufferer, if I tell someone it’s over, and ask them to take all their things the next day, then there isn’t much I need from them but space.

Chances are things have been a little rocky for awhile, as you indicate he has been working on it.

I was in a relationship once that I ended when they said a phrase that wasn’t ok with me. The other person didn’t mean it as offensive but that didn’t matter to me. It wasn’t ok with me. They knew it, kept at it, it went over the limits of what I could handle, and that whole situation was symptom of underlying issues in the relationship and my mental health and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I cared for them deeply but I simply wasn’t in the place to keep trying. Getting space and working on me for a time is what helped.

It’s a very difficult and heartbreaking situation. It’s pretty crappy he kicked you out so fast without time to find a place and that you had to travel out of state to stay with someone. I’d be super torn up about walking away too, but there really isn’t anything else to do.

 

[Freida]

My thoughts on the welfare check is that it seemed to be an extreme reaction that wasn't usual for him - and then no contact. If there is no one else to check to make sure he's ok, then having an officer check is a better safe than sorry thing.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

My thoughts on the welfare check is that it seemed to be an extreme reaction that wasn't usual for him - and then no contact. If there is no one else to check to make sure he's ok, then having an officer check is a better safe than sorry thing.

It this extreme reaction is not something you have experienced from them before then perhaps you do need to have someone check in or him.

However, you also said this....

I know I didn't say anything offensive or bad but he blamed me for having triggered him. I was concerned by how angry he was and I've learnt there is no reasoning with him when he's like this, so I left it and waited till the day after it happened when he seemed calmer to ask how he was doing..

It sounds like he has ‘reacted’ to you in a similar way before....you say you have learnt there is no reasoning with him when he is like this. Has he disappeared before?

My experience is a little outside the norm from what I gather (he is a narcissist too)...but my sufferer and I would be getting along great and then suddenly he would turn a tiny issue or nonissue or something that I ‘did’ or ‘said’ into a major problem. He would either blow up and end the relationship and disappear, or he would silently disappear with no communication whatsoever.....thereby ending the relationship without any ability for me to understand why or get closure or understand what was going on. It was always devastating and caused me a lot grief. I wouldn’t hear from him for days or week or months - and then suddenly he would reappear.....in retrospect it was probably when he needed me for something or wanted something.....I honestly still can’t tell you why he came back. He would say because he never stopped loving me, but this was not real love. It was a mirage.

Talk about walking on eggshells because everything would be going great but the next second out relationship was over. This ‘extreme reaction’ that Freida speaks to was the norm in my relationship and is no way to live.

If this isn’t something that you have experienced before then perhaps this is a one-off for you. What I absolutely do know is that if I had ever contacted authorities about my him he would have seen that as a complete betrayal and would have completely lost his shit, never spoken to me again, and would probably try to get back at me somehow (and what he has done with people he feels have betrayed him in the past has been pretty scary). He had someone call the cops on him before we met (he is a cop off for the last 6 years because of his PTSD), because they were worried about him but had no interest in checking in on him themselves or calling friends on the force to do a ‘friendly’ check in....and it turned into a 3 hour standoff with guns drawn, him being tackled by a dozen cops, him punching a bunch of them including the senior officer there, and then they confiscated his weapons......which he never got back. He talked to me about this incident dozens of times when we were together and it was clear he absolutely hated the person who made that call....basically everyone that was involved.

So, maybe, before you cross that line, send him a quick text or message saying that you are worried about him and his well-being to the point where you are considering calling someone for a wellness check, if you do not hear from him immediately. Make it clear that you have no intention of communicating with him once you hear back from him (because he obviously does not want to be in contact with you right now and that may be stopping him from texting you at this point). That would have likely gotten me a response - probably a one word answer or an angry, shitty response....but then you will at least know he is still there.

I’ve been there. It is such a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with. Get the information that you need to feel ok about
him and then do the best you can to concentrate on yourself.


Peace

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Sorry. I just realized this thread is older, but maybe it will still help the next person who is dealing with a similar situation.

I hope you are doing alright.