Ex-t emailing me distressing things...do i tell current t?

[chaotic harmony]

He does not owe you any explanation of why he switched that time to another client -

I disagree with this. I feel he does owe me an explanation. It's MY time, I was promised that time. It's not like he switched me to another time or day...he simply replaced me. So, yes, he should explain why he did this. It's not ok with me that he just replaced me with no warning. If another client was in more immediate need than me, he should have at least told me that he needs to move my time and actually give me a new appointment, not just drop me.

Dude ask him what he replaced you! That's not cool. My first t would call me to see if someone else could have my spot!!!! Like wtf!!! At the time I was very timid and had no self-respect so said sure. She was awful in so many ways.

I agree, it's not cool at all. I will ask him when I see him next Tuesday why he did this and then reiterate that I can't have instability in my life right now. I need to know that my time will be my time. My other Ts always asked me if they needed to change my time, that's just respectful and I deserve that respect. I never disrespect him, and I expect the same.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel he does owe me an explanation. It's MY time, I was promised that time. It's not like he switched me to another time or day...he simply replaced me

OK. This makes sense and is clear. He may think of his schedule differently than you do. But I understand why having a confirmed appointment be cancelled would be jarring and lead to questioning the commitment of the therapist to your case.

My caution is to be careful about assumptions. You say he was nonchalant, but that could have been misinterpreted. You assume he would have told you if it was an emergency, but you don't know that for certain.

I think any conversation about an explanation should be more focused on clarifying expectations going forward. Clearly you and he are under two different assumptions about that second session and it's importance.

Personal example: I often have to be away from home for work. My T and I keep up on skype as best we can. I'm always very clear with him about when I'll be returning to in-person sessions.

This last break was especially tough. And when I got back, it was important to me to resume with regularity.

I wasn't taking into account the holiday on the 4th (US), or the fact that it's summer and he tends to take a few long weekends in summer.

So he needed to cancel 2 Mondays in a row.

I definitely had a twinge. But the reality is - people take time off for all sorts of reasons. I did not realize he was jacking my time around once to prevent me from running into someone I work with in the waiting room...he told me after the fact. He's had to cancel when his babysitter gets sick at the last minute. I have a twinge every time.

But it's not reasonable for me to expect that nothing like this will ever happen, and the reasons for it happening aren't really my business. If the therapeutic alliance is being affected, then yeah - that needs to get talked out. For sure. But it's about working through my reaction, not necessarily needing an apology or justification for his choices. Sometimes it helps. Other times, I realize I'd rather not know.

None of this means you should feel differently. I'm just sharing a parallel experience and what I've learned from it.

 

[Several_Days]

Whoa. Yes. Show him. That's way too much to take on. I'm glad you wrote all of that. Print it...

Totally agree!

Yep, you ARE being stalked!

Document EVERYTHING!

Contact the licensing board of your state and...

Great advice. It absolutely is harassment & stalking.

Trust yourself. If the time you're spending with your new T feels sufficient right now then it probably is. Pacing is really important and sometimes more time can be destabilizing. If it were me, I think I'd talk with him about this. I do hope you'll share your post with him and get his opinion on all of this! In my opinion you did the absolute right thing in reporting her. She should not be seeing clients. She's too messed up and crazymaking. It seems to me the best way to respond is to block her and get restraining order. Seriously.

 

[Suzetig]

Honestly...he should have had me come in 3x this week.

One of the aims of therapy is to learn to cope without therapy, it's not his responsibility to "have you come in" and increasing the number of sessions in a week could foster dependency that isn't helpful.

You don't know why he changes his schedule or what he's given your time to - part of my job involves managing my very busy diary and I'll sometimes say my diary is full, or I have someone else booked in. That might mean I have a doctor or dentist appointment - so it's true I've given that time to someone else - but I'm not going to tell my colleagues or customers my personal business.

It's ok to feel abandoned and unimportant but those feelings seem more related to your feelings about yourself than what's happened with your therapist who has merely rescheduled two sessions. You do still have a weekly appointment and can talk to him about what you need going forward but it might help you to see these feelings as part and parcel of the issues you're in therapy for rather than a personal/professional failing on the part of your therapist.

 

[chaotic harmony]

I think any conversation about an explanation should be more focused on clarifying expectations going forward.

You are absolutely right. I need to remind him that he promised me the time (and show him the emails in which he did so) and be blunt about my expectations/needs. Sort of like, I expect him to keep up his end of the bargain but be a lot more eloquent about it.

I would definitely understand if he were taking a long weekend, but that's not the case. He wasn't able to give me my slot last week because of the 4th and I was completely fine with it. Maybe he took that to mean that I was fine with him not scheduling me on Friday anymore? That's what needs clarification I think.

About being nonchalant...it was just his tone and the fact that he didn't seem to care that I was very upset. I know that's mind reading but he knew I was upset and he did nothing to try to help. It was just "I'll look at my schedule for two weeks from now and try to block off time." "Try?" "Yes." "What am I supposed to do these next two weeks? You know X just happened and I need that stability." "How about the morning of the 28th?" So...yeah...I felt completely dismissed. :(

 

[lostforgottensoul]

he promised me the time

I am not understanding this agreement. So he promised you every Friday, not specfic dates? Even those in private practice makes appointments just like any other Dr. How does one know one Friday won't be needed for something else, or someone else with a much higher mental need or an emergency or anything that happens in life? I am unsure how this agreement works really.

For instance, I call up or go to the front and I make appointments for specific open dates and timeframe, then I am in that timeframe unless an emergency comes up. He is pretty good at clearing his schedule for vacations and whatnot.

Just unsure of this "agreement" and how it is expected to work.

 

[Suzetig]

It was just "I'll look at my schedule for two weeks from now and try to block off time." "Try?" "Yes." "What am I supposed to do these next two weeks? You know X just happened and I need that stability." "How about the morning of the 28th?" So...yeah...I felt completely dismissed. :(

What did you want him to do? I'm not being funny but if he had no space in his diary what did you want from him - a phone session, some email contact, him to rearrange his clients to fit you in, guarantee that he could definitely find a Friday space for you (even if he knows he can't)? He couldn't give you the session you wanted, he said he would try to arrange things to fit you back in, I'm not sure what else he could do. I get that it felt he was nonchalant but he might not have had time during a scheduling conversation to do anything other than deal with booking his diary so couldn't explore what was happening for you or get into anything.

Can you use the time/money for other supportive activities?

 

[chaotic harmony]

It's ok to feel abandoned and unimportant but those feelings seem more related to your feelings about yourself than what's happened with your therapist who has merely rescheduled two sessions

It's not "merely." It's a big deal. I had a very traumatic 4th and I need the time that was promised to me. It's that simple. He gave my time to someone else and it's not ok. I can learn to "cope without therapy" had this been not following a very traumatic event. It's the very reason I'm in therapy...so he can be there and help me through this time. That's his job and he did fail me in that respect.

I have worked in professions that required me to keep up with many clients in a short amount of time and I was always open about why I had to reschedule. It helps them to understand that they are important and I'm not abandoning them. I don't feel it's wrong for a therapist to do the same thing. They are there to help us understand what a good/healthy relationship is and they cannot do that by "keeping secrets". I'm not saying that they have to disclose every detail, like saying "I'm having a colonoscopy done, see you next week!", but a simple "I have a doctor appointment/I have to be in court/etc" is reasonable. This is all moot though as this is not the case. My time went to another client.

 

[chaotic harmony]

I am not understanding this agreement. So he promised you every Friday, not specfic dates? Even those in private practice makes appointments just like any other Dr. How does one know one Friday won't be needed for something else, or someone else with a much higher mental need or an emergency or anything that happens in life? I am unsure how this agreement works really.

He makes regular, scheduled appointments. I have every Tuesday at 2 and every Friday at 1. Those times are blocked off for me. How does a T not schedule like this? I've never had a T that just scheduled randomly. It's always specific days/times.

 

[Suzetig]

Different Ts work in different ways, mine schedules our sessions as and when we meet, I'll usually see her at some point during the week but the day and time changes to suit both our schedules. The main thing is that in your mind you had a regular slot but in his mind it wasn't confirmed - because he put someone else in there. Sounds like crossed wires, which can easily be straightened out.

 

[chaotic harmony]

I'm not being funny but if he had no space in his diary what did you want from him - a phone session, some email contact, him to rearrange his clients to fit you in, guarantee that he could definitely find a Friday space for you (even if he knows he can't)?

I'm not sure what a diary is...is that his schedule? If that's the case, then my Fridays are in his schedule. I am promised every Tues/Fri at specific times. That is agreed upon. I don't think anyone here is understanding that I was promised, in writing, that time.

The main thing is that in your mind you had a regular slot but in his mind it wasn't confirme

It's not in my mind. I have it in writing.

 

[joeylittle]

I am promised every Tues/Fri at specific times. That is agreed upon. I don't think anyone here is understanding that I was promised, in writing, that time.

I'd try replacing the word "promised" with "scheduled for".