Sufferer Exhausted, Agoraphobia, Massive Fear, Shame, Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, Massive Social Phobia.

[Suprane]

Where does one start? Parental neglect, family dysfunction, violence, bullying, enuresis, abandonment, 7 schools before HS graduation. Very sick mother ( COPD/cigarettes ) Attacked at West Point Military Academy, labeled by town, no family support, 3 marriages-two divorces-two children in next 3 years, 60 hour work weeks, 21 credit hr. semesters, massive guilt, shame, fights and flights, mother dies, anesthesia school and massive stress, in last month of school 8 yr. old boy put into irreversible coma, I was student on case. It devastated me.( many details, will leave out, it was Anesthesiologist who gave 10 times dose of Atropine that fried the brain, I didn't learn about this for two years, already out in practice. ) Fast forward, another child, many affairs, fights, social isolation, anesthesia burdens, 17 moves, 15 jobs and 29 years of anesthesia another child dies!!! 2005, 2/14/2005. 9 yr. old girl. Normal appendix ( she had RLL pneumonia ) Case uneventful, extubated awake, following all commands, oriented, good breathing, okay tube out, quit breathing, unresponsive, cyanotic, reintubated, pink, stable, re-reversed, awake, responsive, following commands, re-extubated, stable, pain free, to recovery room. Find out from grandmother ( mother had abandoned her ) she has sleep apnea. Put in ICU ( small hospital, no trained nurses ) stayed with her from 1700 to 0100 had two more episodes of unable to hold airway, chin lift, reversals, finally stable. Made big mistake, left hospital, gave nurses instructions, went home. Called back at 0540, she mottled, blood tinged bubbling from mouth, comatose, soon dead, could not resuscitate her. Grand-mother let out primordial scream that has never left my soul. I killed her. I killed a kid. Chart was sealed ( legal ) three years later I took time to read nurses notes, the apnea started at 0230 and untreated for 3 hours, she developed ARDS from negative inspiration trauma, her lung lining changed and she filled with fluid and blood and drowned. All it would have taken was a chin lift. The nurses were inexperienced and didn't react. I should have stayed. No treatment, no time off, depression, agoraphobia, shame guilt, massive fear, several episodes of screaming at OR personnel ( never did before ) Children having marital problems, helping them, overwhelmed, crying all the time, quitting job without notice, wife falling apart, new job, crying every morning before work, disassociation, avoidance, worsening agoraphobia, hired back by old hospital, 9 more years of cases, about 3600 all reliving the girl's death, sleep disturbances, eating disorder, 125# weight gain, HTN, SOB, family dysfunction heightened, ties severed, finally quit for good, on SS now and very reclusive and fearful. I used to walk alone all over desert, exploring and hunting, now can't make it outside very often and when I do, I rush back in and hide. I am a freaking mess. Death sounds so peaceful. But I believe in JC and want the peace of eternity. And I am loved by my wife of twenty years and don't wished to stick her with a suicide and all it's mess. I am still trying. Thanks for reading.

 

[Lukie]

Haven't many words but Wow.. Thank you for sharing your story, it must have been difficult to open up about all that. It was difficult to read. I understand completely the shame and guilt. Drowning in it every day. I'm sure you've been told before that little girl's death wasn't your fault. Maybe you even know that, but don't feel it. You can't go back and change it. You would not have known there was any reason to stay. It sounds like you've lived with a lot of stress and turmoil, for a very long time. What an enormous understatement, the words fail me. It's going to take a long time to start healing from that, but I'm glad to hear you are still trying. I hope you discover in yourself the desire to find joy again, to explore and walk through the desert. Going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers tonight, that you might find yourself wrapped in arms of healing and peace.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I offer genuine UK_:hug:s

Laurie

 

[scout86]

Welcome.

I am still trying.

Sometimes that takes a lot of courage, but it's a necessary step towards making things better. It may not seem like it right now, but they can get better. I hope you find some resources to help you on the path, here and elsewhere.

 

[TLight]

Sometimes its all about surviving, isn't it? Living? Well, I guess surviving is still living......

Please be kind to yourself and if you want to stay in bed all day, you have my permission.

 

[Friday]

Welcome.

That tick tick tick tick tick tick.... Problem problem problem problem problem thing... Is something that serves us well in acute situations. It lets us see all the factors in play, and meet them with appropriate and speedy reactions.

I did it in the military. I did it in disaster response. It's probably how my brain is actually wired, and then it's been trained, honed fine, to be my immediate response over years of life and death situations. Like shuffling a deck. It's automatic.

It's just a stone bitch when the situation isn't acute... Huh? :banghead:

Feels acute. But it's history. Unchanging. My brain doesn't believe me. Problem. Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.... Effing respond already... Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick. Faces and places and bad outcomes and stress and regrets and they just keep ticking. Spinning up faster and faster, hitting harder and stronger, panic.

Breathe. Use the somatic to override the autonomic.

Not that simple. Nothing ever is. But it's a start.

And, again, welcome.

 

[Suprane]

It all started with childhood bullies and family dysfunction. Not going to elaborate, many have been there and experienced those. West Point was 8 days of starvation by an Upper Cadet ( 1970 ) and when I finally told him to shove it and ate, he came that night, with buddies and grabbed me in my sleep. Wet towel around face, stripped, carried to showers and water boarded until I relaxed and was going out of this world. Only a passing officer made them drop me on the hard cold wet shower floor in my own shit and piss. I was looking down at scene and when they dropped me, I came back and was so frightened by a voice screaming at me. It was me screaming. Not one single person came to help, either that night or the next day. When I resigned and went home I was labeled a coward by the town. No family support. From those events I have spent 45 years of more dysfunction, rage, fear, running, confronting, until now I am just exhausted and seek reclusion, slow, and very few tasks. I hit my second wife. I had gone out on her. I was good to her and bad. She confronted me, threw a knife, a pot, as I tried to walk away, I slammed the door of the bedroom and hit her, when the door didn't slam shut, I turned, she slapped me and I pounded her, screaming at the top of my lungs. Both kids were there watching. Girl 8, boy 4. I came back to her screaming " hit me some more..." I jumped off and cried for hours, never touched a women since, hate to admit to once. In 1997 I took on a coach over racism and misuse of authority. I was told not to confront this guy as he was connected. He was abusing my son. I scheduled a face to face, nothing accomplished. I pulled my son from the team. I had a face to face discussion, nothing. He told people I had threatened him, lie ( he'd used that before with other parents who'd confronted him ) He was fired, when a prominent white family complained ( I am white, son half Mexican, other families complaining American Indian ) He then screamed at my son while he was playing for new coached, I wrote him a letter, police delivered restraining order. Court, it was there I was accused of stalking his wife and kids, absolute lie, but word got out, fired from job, shunned and the cronies of his held a teacher rally at game against me. Long story short I blew up and took it out on my son one night. Screamed obscenities and vile words at him and god this is hard, I pointed a loaded gun at him. That night is my worse trauma. I loved that young man like life itself and why oh why did I ever do that? It's been seventeen years and I relive that night all the time. I see people drowning me, I see dead kids eyes, I see a frightened boys eyes and I hate myself. I am shit.

 

[Lukie]

That sounds like a lot of shit building up, over a long period, and coming out at the worst times. That sounds like a slow burn becoming an inferno before you knew it, with no out. Stress makes people do some f*cked up things. Living with those mistakes on constant replay through our mind, that's the worst punishment we inflict on ourselves. Sometimes it's easier to eat the guilt and drown in it, than it is to take the steps to move past it and do better. You're no good to anyone else, if you're not good to yourself first. I'm sorry that you hate yourself for these things. Even after reading all that, I don't think you're shit. A broken man living in a messed up world? Yeah. Cheap words coming from someone who hasn't lived through it, I know. Still going to be praying hard for you tonight anyway.

 

[Suprane]

There is so very much more, but that's enough. As I read all the sufferers stories here I am ashamed I even feel the need to express. God Bless to all and may we all find some peace and meaning. The Sun comes up everyday morning and hope is a good thing.

 

[scout86]

For reasons I don't understand, feeling "ashamed of the need to express" seems to be part of the package for a lot of people, (Including me.) Express to your hearts content. It's ok. This whole business about talking about stuff, not talking about it, all that seems very complicated to me. But, this is a place where you can worry about it a little less. In the end, it turns out that most people have things to give to the discussion, just as there are things for them to receive. It balances out and no one here is keeping score.

The sun here will be up in another hour and, yes, hope is a good thing!

Glad to have you here!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

@Suprane Welcome to the forum!

There is so very much more, but that's enough.

You made a great start and it is hard to be honest and confront our own demons. The problem with keeping them all locked up, is that a person becomes an emotional pressure cooker and the release can come at anytime and the response can be completely out of line with what is happening in the present.

Have you tried therapy? I have also found that when I feel the pressure building the best controlled release that I have is exercise as it is a safe way to burn off the adrenaline and direct the energy. This site also has a lot of information about managing symptoms that you may find helpful