I thank you all. Have been just hanging in there. I have tried therapy five times. First time was after a suicide attempt, didn't take the right medicines and ended up in ER of hospital where I was working. Doctor spent five minutes with me and diagnosed Manic/Depressive. Put me on Lithium/Wellbutrin and asked me if I was taking my meds and how was my sex drive for five sessions. When I tried to express feelings, he cut me off and ended session. I followed up with psychologist who diagnosed me with PTSD. She was retiring and I was moving so that ended that. I broke down at new job, took three weeks off ( third time I had to miss work because of 'coming apart" due to job stress ) sent to therapist, he proscribed Effexor and I started experiencing "jolts" to my head, like someone was zapping me with electricity. No more of that shit. His two sessions with me was short term and long term goal setting and here's some papers, you're good to go. No allowing any personal feelings, " just forget that past and get on with the future " Okay man, will do. Next two counselors I listened to them lay out their lives, their troubles and paid my money and left. Now I am so afraid to be around people, I will do anything to avoid. I put off leaving the house unless just have to resupply or absolutely must do something. I am very gun shy and I have many who like me. I am just filled with fear. Not much fight anymore, fighting just drains my mind. So I live apart and that's my world. Neither my daughter nor my son believe I have a problem. I am just seeking sympathy. I don't attempt to explain anymore, I stay away and let them be and live and handle their loads. They are mad I couldn't do more to help them. I just could not. I feel very guilty over that. I just live apart. Read, watch TV, computer, sleep, cook meals, occasionally go outside for an extended period, occasionally force myself to see people ( that just drains my mind ) and do housework. Ah hell so much more but just makes me sick to rehash. Sorry.
