General Expectations In A Relationship With A Ptsd Sufferer

[jkr8789]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now... he got out of the Marines just a few months before I met him, after having served 4yrs and completing 5 deployments. Things have been extremely difficult for him since he got out... let's just say that holding on in this relationship over the past year has been challenging. He was diagnosed with combat PTSD around this time last year, but didn't actually decide to veer off the path of self destruction until a few months ago. Since then, things between us have been better than ever... better, but far from what I would call a normal relationship. There are rare moments I get with him in which he is his normal, happy, non-PTSD self... and I can get a glimpse of what life would be like without all this. Sometimes those moments last a few hours, sometimes a few days. I am always grateful, and they always remind me that all of this... it's all worth it.

Anyways, on to the real point of this post. I'm having trouble deciding what, exactly, I can expect out of him as a partner in our relationship. I realize he is under an extreme amount of stress right now... there are other things going on in his life besides the PTSD that make for a very difficult situation. But all the same, I think he should be accountable for a part of making this relationship work. I can't do it all by myself. I realize that I can't expect the same support from him as I would expect from someone without the PTSD (and the added problems that it's brought into his life). But just how much can I expect out of him? It's hard for me to constantly be pouring myself into this relationship, without getting the same out of it from him. I want to be there for him. I want to focus on helping him heal and get his life in order. But it's hard not to be selfish... sometimes I want some support too. And I can't always count on him for that level of support that I want out of a partner. For example, he often makes false promises, and lately it's really driving me crazy. He promises he'll be somewhere, he'll do something for me, whatever... but he never, ever follows through. Usually I can let it slide, but this weekend he failed to show up for an event that was really, really important to me. And I just lost it with him. I felt really guilty afterwards, but at the same time... it would've been so easy for him to just show up. I know he means to be there for me, I know he wants to... but for whatever reason, he doesn't follow through on his promises.

Are my expectations too high right now? Should I lower them while he's getting through this initial, difficult part of his life? Is anyone else dealing with a similar problem?

 

[Sephira]

Hi jkr :) I'm in a relationship with a man with untreated combat ptsd.Like you,I often struggle with trying to be patient when he forgets promises or fails to keep planned dates. It honestly drives me crazy sometimes, and I've lost my temper more than I care to admit over some of his behaviors.

I've found that telling him specifically the dates that really matter to me helps. This way, he knows what he needs to make a priority and he tries really hard to do whatever I've asked or that we've planned. Conversely, I also need to be very flexible about our plans because any trigger could cause him to go into avoidance mode and withdraw then cancel. Getting angry, though understandable, is pointless I've learned. He really can't help when he's triggered and he really needs that alone time to feel okay again. Sometimes it's hard for me to deal with, but I'm learning!

Setting boundaries is super important. You really need to outline what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't. For example, when my sweets is triggered, if he can't keep a date he knows he needs to text me or call. Leaving me waiting and wondering is unacceptable and he is very good about making sure he follows this rule.

If he wants to be in the relationship, he'll make some effort. PTSD is really rough on both the sufferer and the carer I think. My sweetheart and I have learned to be patient with each other as we learn to deal with this monster together. So, to answer your question, I think that you might have to lower your expectations. Despite this though, you can have a happy and fulfilling relationship. It's all about tolerance, understanding and love and only you can decide what you can deal with and what your boundaries will be.

It CAN work though-I'm proof. Read as much as you can-Anthony's PTSD cup explanation on the main page as well as some of Nicolette's stickied posts are great places to start. The people here are awesome-they'll give you a ton of useful advice and lots of empathy which we all need sometimes. Good luck, and take care!

-Sephira

 

[LoveMyIraqiWarVet]

Wow. I feel like this is a page right out of my life.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, and he is an Army vet from The Iraqi war. He is the best person I know when he is not in his PTSD.

The first 4 months we were together I knew he was the one for me. But about 3 months ago he started an extremely stressful job, one that has a demanding schedule and constant stress. This has triggered him to be in PTSD mode 95% of the time now. But it is that 5% that gives me hope that he will be himself again.

He is riddled with guilt about not being a good partner and father, he can't sleep worth anything, has nightmares at least 2 nights a week that have him screaming and kicking, has become completely emotionally numb (which is the biggest issue for me, since when we met he was so loving and let me in to his inner self, which i miss so terribly), and can be intensely negative and hateful. But when his true self visits it is worth it all to me.

You, like me probably feel like no one around you understands, which is more then likely true. I'm soooo over hearing that I should just leave, blah blah blah...people cant understand what we are going through until they have gone through it. The man inside of him is a good man, and I am not going to give up on that man, even when this awful stranger tries to make me.

Its almost like this PTSD is a person itself, trying in every way to take away his joy and true personality. I will not let that monster take him from me! Geez...totally off topic and somewhat dramatic but I feel like I can vent here like nowhere else.

We should chat sometime...l dont know the rules on info sharing but I am hoping to make personal friends on this website, ones I can call on to talk to when no one else can sympathize!

 

[ProudWife99]

[Self Edit- this post turned out way longer than I had intended. It is also just in my own experience. I in no way mean to imply that your loved one is a big ol' jerk. My husband has been in treatment for an extended period of time and the things we practice are in effort to allow him to use his coping/managing skills]

My army veteran husband also suffers from combat PTSD. All of these posts could be taken out of a page of my book. I asked our counselor that exact question. "What can I expect now?" As he is been better about managing his anger and using the coping skills he has learned in treatment.

It was a harsh reality I had to face, but understanding it has done a world of good. Not just in my marriage, but I how I view myself as a part of my relationship.

My husband is not a good man trapped in a bad man's body. His PTSD is not some alter ego. My husband is a wonderful man who is capable of being a very angry, mean, hurtful man. His PTSD is an illness, but it is not an excuse for bad behavior. He has to take responsibility for how he acts, regardless of whether he is experiencing an episode or not.

It is not necessarily (for us) that he is "him" for a matter of days and then he has a "bad PTSD" day. My husband is responsible for himself 100% of the time. He is not allowed to use me, my actions, or his triggers as an excuse for exploding on me. Not to say that I don't have to understand where his anger came from, because I do, but I do not have to say "oh honey. It's okay. You have PTSD."

For example: I shut the door too loud and it makes him angry. Not just slightly irritated, but he is livid and irate and yelling at me. Later, when he has calmed down and can talk to me I will not accept "You slammed the door, it triggered me, that is why I yelled. I'm sorry" It is not MY fault that a door shutting loudly triggered a negative reaction in him. I understand that what he is trying to convey is that it was not necessarily me that angered him, but something I inadvertently did. However, if time after time after time I'm told that he is triggered by MY actions, I begin to feel like if I could just be better, quieter, nicer, calmer (ANYTHING) he wouldn't be angry. I take his PTSD on my shoulders.

When he is triggered and yells he has to realize that it is an inappropriate action to call your wife a bitch. I will not accept that he was angry because of something else and took it out on me. I understand that is what happened, because I understand PTSD, but he must take responsibility. "I reacted in a hurtful way because I was triggered and that was not right. I am sorry."

Does it work this way every time? Absolutely not. Does he get frustrated with me? Absolutely. But this is not just for him, but for me. I cannot carry the weight of his triggers. It is so heavy and so exhausting that I loose sight of who I am. Do I avoid his triggers as much as I can, absolutely. Do I allow them to control my life/interests/hobbies/self worth anymore? I try really, really hard not to.

I guess what I'm saying is that you can expect to be yelled at. You can expect to be disappointed. What you should not expect (or accept, in my opinion) is PTSD as an excuse for bad behavior. When my husband throws my favorite vase against the wall because he is triggered I understand that it was not my fault, that he is a good man who has been through bad things. HE has to understand his actions were wrong, regardless of what produced them.

H and I get it wrong all the time. It rarely ends up in this perfect scenario, but it gives us something to try for and often reminds me that in the moments he is a big monster, it is not my fault. I am his wife, not his doormat.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think you should 'expect' to be yelled at. Anger between people, sure, we can get angry at one another, and maybe the yelling is likely, or we fail, but no one has to give themselves permission to do that.

 

[Joy4all]

Thank you to jkr8789 for starting this thread and everyone who has added to it, I am so glad I found it. I have been in a relationship with a man for about 18 months who suffers from PTSD and I am only now starting to understand it better.

I can relate to jkr8789 because I invited my man to Thanksgiving with my family after we first started dating knowing he would be away from his family and thinking it was a kind thing to do. Also I wanted him to meet my family because I was crazy in love with him. Long story short- After agreeing that he would come, he never showed up! I was extremely embarassed because everyone was so excited to meet him. Instead he drove 3 hours to hang out with one of his buddies. I was so sad and hurt.

I understand the situation so much better now. There have been a few times when a holiday or special occasion is going beautifully, then he is triggered and it all goes to hell. I used to wonder to myself, "Why this day??! Why do you have to ruin this special time." I know now that he gets overwhelmed with stress and many holidays do not bring back pleasant memories for him like they do for me.

Anyway, I am glad I found this site because hearing from others (sufferers and supporters) not only helps me feel less alone but helps me feels like I am understanding him better.
that's all for now.

Much love!

 

[jkr8789]

Wow it has been SO helpful to read all of these replies and realize that I’m not alone in feeling like this… thank you all very much for sharing your experiences.

Sephira: Thank you for the reminder that setting boundaries is important. I do get upset when C doesn’t call or show up or cancels on me… especially when he doesn’t let me know why. I know that I need to work on being clear and communicating effectively in this relationship, more so than in any other one I have been in before. I am trying my very best to be tolerant and understanding through all of this, and I’m learning that I may have to be even more patient than I thought humanly possible!

Proudwife: It was really helpful to read your post, as I can completely relate to the situation that you described. It happens all too often that C gets overly angry about something seemingly insignificant that I do… and he just goes off on me. Recently we had a talk about his anger, and he has come to realize what he’s doing. We aren't quite at the point where we can have a rationale discussion immediately after the fact though. Right now I will usually just give him his space, and we try to talk it out later. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. So much is a hit or miss when it comes to this. I like your idea that the PTSD is not and cannot be treated like an excuse to take his anger out on me. I need to remember that, while still being patient at the same time. Talk about a challenge!

Joy: How did your family react when your boyfriend failed to show up for Thanksgiving? When C didn't show up for me last time, it was because he had stayed out all night hanging out with friends. It really hurt because I felt like he picked hanging out and doing not much of anything with his friends, over showing up and supporting me.

To everyone: I realize that I have to lower my expectations for C and for our relationship during this time while he tries his best to recover some sense of normalcy and get his life back on track. He’s going through the process of adjusting to a new job, a new living situation, and dealing with bankruptcy. A lot of change all at once, and a lot of added stress to what is already a terribly stressful existence. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is really what’s best for him right now… am I just adding extra, unneeded stress to his life? We’ve had this talk before, and he claims that I am nothing but good for him. But I still wonder all the same.

I am also beginning to have some real difficulties with my family and how they feel about our relationship. Especially my mom, who I have always been very close to. I have tried my best to “hide” the worst parts of our relationship from my family, as I feel that it is not really any of their business. But they still know enough about him and about what we’ve been through to be extremely judgmental. My mom feels that C is not good enough for me, that he doesn’t treat me the way that I should be treated, and that he is overall just a bad person who is only going to bring me down in life. She is quick to judge, and it doesn’t help when she overhears us arguing on the phone (has happened twice when I’ve been home visiting my parents), or when he fails to show up for important events that she is also a part of for me. She has hinted that she doesn’t want me to get “serious” about him, she doesn’t want him around, she absolutely does not want me to have a future with him. I never quite know how to respond to all of this. I know the rest of my family has similar feelings, but my mom is the only one who will actually voice her opinion. And she is the one who feels strongest. I think that if she would consider changing her attitude, the rest of my family might follow. I’ve fought with her over this more than we have ever fought in my entire life… I’ve tried talking to her rationally. Nothing seems to be working. And I’m kind of at a loss… I want C to be a part of my future. I want him to be a part of my family. But right now I’m not sure that’s very realistic. I don’t know how to get my family to accept him, to accept our relationship, and to understand what he’s going through right now. I feel like they are being extremely judgmental… but on the other hand, I can’t blame them for it because they just don’t understand. They’re not in our position, so they can’t possibly understand. All they see when they look at C is a really emotionally screwed up, lost, angry guy… they only see the bad parts of him and the rough parts of our relationship. They can’t get past all of that to see the good.

Whew, sorry that was so much longer than I meant it to be! I just got such great feedback and advice before, I thought maybe others are dealing with the same issue. Any thoughts? Advice? I’m not sure what to do… I feel like I’m being pulled in two opposite directions. I want a future with C. But I feel pressure from my family to just leave him already. Sigh. Nothing is ever easy with this, is it?

 

[Pale Warrior]

Here is my devil's advocate view.

Your mum has worked out that this relationship is hurting her daughter and it would be a pretty twisted parent that supported their child in something this destructive. You are already hiding parts of your life from her and lying to cover his unacceptable behaviour. Maybe if she understood? Maybe she already does?

I understand how PTSD trashed my mariage 12 years ago and would not wish it on anyone. Unless your man is engaged with healing and committed to therapy the road ahead is more of the same. If you want to live in his hell, moods, anger, withdrawal, self medication - you know the role call - then stick with him. But do read up on codependancy first.

The only worthwhile boundaries are those that can be enforced (and are). Drawing a line in the sand that is continally ignored and redrawn is just an excuse for allowing the abusive behaviour to carry on and we supporters might as well have "please wipe your feet here" tattooed on out foreheads.

Rant over. Sorry.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Perhaps I should add that I have been been both perp and victim at different points in my lfe. I have wiped my feet and been wiped on and must admit that neither role was indicative of a healthy me at the time.

 

[jkr8789]

Pale Warrior: Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post! I just want to emphasize that it's not that I don't completely and totally understand where my mom is coming from... I do, I get it. I know what the relationship can look like to other people. I try my very best to accept that and realize that maybe I can't do much about it. I don't blame her for not being supportive. But, at the same time, I do think that she should at least be able to respect my decisions as an adult... and being with C is one of the those decisions. I'm not asking her to love C, or to even support our relationship... all I'm asking is that she respects our relationship. Right now, she does not show me much respect. She makes snarky comments whenever C comes up in conversation, and is constantly making the point that this relationship is "temporary" and "not serious." The way she speaks about him and approaches our relationship is rather condescending and hurtful. That's where the problem lies. I don't have a problem with her opinion... I have a problem with the way she is handling the situation.

At the same time, I can understand her concern. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's always a good reminder for me... I know this is difficult for her too. I'm trying the best that I can with C at the moment, and perhaps I need to realize that my mom is doing the same.

 

[ProudWife99]

I had the same "type" of issues with my mom, although I didn't start hiding things until here lately when I realized the toll it was taking on her. I think of it this way, I am making the choice to stay married to this man. My family did not choose him, I did. Of course they don't want me to hurt and hold it against him when I do. It is in everyones best interest if I find another avenue to share my discomfort, hurt. or other things.

Not to say I don't still talk to my mom. I do every day as she is still one of my closest friends. But she had a choice to make. Her daughter married a man with PTSD. She could figure out what that meant, research it, know the symptoms, and attempt to understand OR she could ignore all the information I tried to share with her and act on "instinct." If she had decided to choose the later, I would have not shared with her. There are still things I keep from anyone who knows him personally to avoid their poor opinions of him. He doesn't deserve that either.

Use this forum as a resource as MUCH as you can. No one here judges...and if they do..they are only as close as I allow them to be.

 

[sisu]

It wasn't too long ago that I FINALLY learned that valuable lesson. I am extremely non-judgmental ~ and I used to be pretty open with all of my friends. Because my viewpoint is one of non-judgement, I shared way too much with my mom and my friends. THen when I did get judged, I got my feelings hurt. Most people do judge others - sad but true. (I always had the veiwpoint that I have enough of my own sh*t to worry about, I don't need to worry about what others do) :p Now I am careful with whom I share things, and careful what I share. There are things that I just don't want to hear judgement from anyone about - those are the things I keep to myself or write about on here.

So with that said - maybe don't tell your family if C is going to be coming to a family dinner or outing and if he shows up it will be a happy surprise. Let your mom see your relationships "high-light reel" instead of the "behind the scenes" right now until she gets more comfortable with the two of you togethe - and he is able to stabalize a bit with his PTSD.

And take care of you!!