I met a beautiful man back in January. On our first meeting I did realise something was just a little different. He later told me he had served in Rwanda. I asked if he suffered from PTSD. A big yes was his reply.
I would have walked away right then and there...but...we are women...we are curious...we are intuitive...we are loving...and we are the caregivers of the world...I kept giving it "just one more date".
The attraction grew very quickly for both of us. Not just the physical, but emotional, intellectual. There was something 'comfortable' about being in each other's company.
I finally decided to invite him over for dinner. It was Valentine's Day, so talk about expectations. I talked myself into thinking "it's ok, I got this". I had read up on PTSD and felt I was prepared. I contacted him the day prior to confirm knowing that he may forget or become distracted. He said he would be there so I went out and bought what I call "good groceries" ... better than I normally cook for myself including beer and wine, had my hair done, bought a new outfit. I wanted everything to be relaxing and comfortable for him, and to treat him to a nice home cooked meal.
The 'day of', at about 2pm, I received a text saying very simply that he just couldn't make it and that he was sorry. End of discussion. I have anxiety, so needless to say that triggered me. I handled it very tactfully and with understanding at first but then I got mad. I didn't want to be the door mat some of you discribe.
We went into a negative spiral of text and email communication intermixed with phone messages of which he didn't answer. I kind of don't blame him for that part. Yet for 8 more months we continued communicating through the safety-net of texting (ironically not always so safe due to the ease of miscommunication but it was what he could handle and from my view at least I got something back from him). Largely with me reaching out to apologize for not handling things well, but if I didn't contact him for awhile, I would then hear from him.
9 months later, like a long painful birth, we met again while I was traveling. He had since moved cross country. It was as if nothing had happened. We spent two beautiful days together. I then asked him if he would like me to stay a little longer, meaning I had some flexibility and could stay an extra day or two. He misunderstood and said he couldn't be held responsible for such a decision. I took that as rejection.
So here we are again, back on that same path. However this time the rebound timing seems to be recovering far more quickly. So I tell myself, perhaps it is just both of us having to learn to understand one another both as a normal relationship, and then the adition of his PTSD mixed with my anxiety.
The positive thing is that we have both had our own counselling and training on how to cope with our own issues prior to meeting one another. And our issues are not new. We have both been managing our 'stuff' for 20 years each separately before we met.
I have read as much as I can on PTSD and I know a fair amount about depression and anxiety as I had PPD when my daughter was first born. I know that sometimes some of these issues can be cureable, although more often at least treatable providing those suffering are willing participants. In other cases it is a lifelong condition that must be managed with coping skills, medication, and a good support network from all involved...and the patience of Saints.
Those suffering with mental health injuries and disorders still have so much to offer the world. This is where I struggle in terms of becoming involved with someone who deals with PTSD though, because they do indeed hold much value in so many ways. We cannot throw that part away. But how do we balance the good with the bad?
The one thing I do know, is as much as there are so many common threads, one cannot say that each situation is exactly the same. There are many facets involved in each individual relationship, and situation. Family support, medication and it's affects both positive and negative on each individual (our bodies are uniquely designed and what works for one may not work for another), personal circumstances including financial, homelife, work relations and abilities, extended support networks and so on and so on...
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this....Perhaps it is to work through in my own mind whether I indeed cann manage such a relationship or ot...I do question very seriously, if this is at all a good idea to get further into it...but we are in our 50's now...and from my experience out there, everyone has something in their life they are dealing with. There is alot of heavy stuff out there. You do not get to this stage in life without having lived with and through challenges...some more than others.
So...do we try to make it work with someone we find a deep connection with? Or do we keep rolling along hoping to find our dream partner who is perfect?
I can say for sure that I appreciate the power of a supportive network of people who can speak from experience and who are brave enough to do so, without judgement of one another...
Thank you to all of you for speaking up ... and out... xo
