Relationship Experiemce with partner shutting down when stressed, angry or hurt?

[SE-010]

Hi, I’m new here and not entirely sure if I’m at the right place... I’m just going to share my thoughts and see what comes back from you

My bf is a RMC vet. After leaving the corps (10 years ago) he suffered from PTSD and had therapy. He said it’s the best thing that ever happened to him as it has given him coping mechanisms for when he is hurt, stressed and/or angry. We’ve been living together for 2 years and I have noticed a ‘patern’ in his behaviour before and during our fights, to keep this a short story, I will list them:

shutting down/ shutting me out:
- short, mostly 1 word, answers
- zero interest in my presence / resentment
- ignoring me
- when asked ‘are you ok?’ the usual reply is: ‘yeah, you?’
(Is this ‘dissociation’?)

the build up:
- after at least 12 hours his little irritation about something I did or said has become all consuming and needs to get out. What comes next is: nit-picking, condescending and hurtful comments, no reasoning, spite, pettiness, passive aggressiveness, more resentment and a lot of sarcasm.
He is hurt and that needs to come out after this shut down period, it is noe such a big thing in his head that it feels to me that his aim is to make sure I hurt too, that I feel as low and as sad and miserablevas he feels and he will not stop until this is achieved.

It mostly ends with me not wanting to listen to it anymore and walk away (either fuming or sobbing).

The aftermath:
- hardly ever an apology about his behaviour
- I usually am the one who instigates a talk the next day to resolve it and to try and work it out (nothing gets sorted so i have this unsatisfactory feeling because nothing has been resolved).
- and nothing gets resolved because anything that does not fit his opinion does not count and it is at this point, even though calm, still impossible to see my point of view so there’s no ‘closure’
- It usually ends up in me apologising and saying I will pay attention to what I did wrong to avoid it from a happening again.
I sometimes hate myself for it because there have been times I am 100% convinced I have done nothing wrong yet I apologise anyway just to get things back to normal.

This is turning into a loger story than planned and I hope it makes sense! I want to make 1 thing clear: I love this man with all my heart and I know he loves me too, we are amazing together when we’re good, but when it’s bad.. it’s bad.

Basically what I was hoping to find here is people that have experience with what I’ve written down because the more I read about PTSD, the more I recognise his behaviour and the more I wonder if the PTSD is still there (is that possible after 10 years?).
What do people think of this coping mechanism, is it something I have to respect and get used to or is there ‘room for improvement’? Am I allowed to stand up and say what I think during a fight or is this counterproductive and should I wait until a later stage? Do people recognise this as something people with PTSD do or am I reading to much into this? Anything you can share with me would be highly appreciated.

I’m at my wits end on what to do as I can’t go on like this. It causes me insomnia, migraines, low self asteem and most of all a feeling of disconnect between us and it breaks my heart thinking we might not last..

Thank you

 

[NaeNae75]

Hello, welcome to the site. Yes, this is all sort of "normal" behavior of someone dealing with PTSD. You asked if the PTSD is still there, the short answer is yes. PTSD doesn't have a cure, but it gets "managed". You, my dear are "allowed" to do anything, but it probably won't be productive to argue with him. But what you don't have to be is a doormat either. You are "allowed" to be treated well.

It's sort of a dance, and we are all still learning the steps, because it changes all of the time. But know, you are not alone. I think the best advice I can give without rambling forever is check out the "stress cup" explanation on the site, look around the threads, post things like this to interact with everyone, because even if we don't have "advice" we do have solidarity and understanding to bring to help ease things.

Practice self care. Don't become completely imeshed and have your own space. If he is willing, find a therapist that specializes in PTSD and relationships and go together. If he won't, you still can. It's a very complicated thing to deal with, and each of us are different. I'm both a sufferer and supporter...and I sometimes don't have any better of a handle on it than anyone else. But do what you can to make yourself better and feel better so that when he may need you, you are strong enough to handle it if you so choose to.

Good luck on your journey...there really are no right or wrong answers, sorry... Just what is right for you.

 

[LB226]

Hi, I’m new here and not entirely sure if I’m at the right place... I’m just going to share my tho...

Ugh!!! Your story was my relationship of 7 months.
Yes. Yes. Yes.....this is PTSD.

 

[New]

This is definitely PTSD. You have come to the right place and will read similar stories under the relationships forum.

Welcome.

 

[SE-010]

You have no idea what a relief it is to see that people recognise and understand and that I’m not crazy or overreacting.. it made me emotional thank you for your replies and I will definitely have a look at the relationship forum. I have told the bf I am going to have a look for someone to speak to and that he is welcome to join me but that’s it’s voluntary and I will not push for it. thanks again

 

[NaeNae75]

You have no idea what a relief it is to see that people recognise and understand and that I’m not craz...

Sounds like a great plan for you for now! Best of luck@

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, this sounds like PTSD. He could have it until the day he dies at a ripe old age. It can go into remission, but flare ups are possible at any time.

My boyfriend says the same about me. When things are good they are the best of the best.....when they are bad, they are the worst. It sucks being told this, but it gives me motivation for moving forward and healing. It's the best relationship I've ever been in. I don't want to lose him.

When he's in an angry/numb/dissociated state, just view it as "rationality has flown the coop". Now is not the time to problem solve.

My therapist and I have created a shut out/wall scale and an angry scale of 1-5. When I hit a 2 on the wall scale it is time to make a full exit. When I hit a 3 on the anger scale it is time to make a full exit.

If he is this symptomatic, it is my opinion that he needs therapy. Is he open to healing? Is he open to therapy? If not, I don't think this is going to get better. I know my healing would not be moving forward if I wasn't in therapy. These aren't the kinds of things that we can figure out on our own IMHO without an outside perspective.

My boyfriend also has contact with my therapist. That is, he has been to session and we are all on board for possible future joint sessions. However, I have not signed a release for him to talk to her without me present. (I would not rule this out in the future though.) My therapist has given him feedback on how to work with me on healing and says that he is incredibly intuitive and handling things well.

 

[Erin Lee]

Hey. I just want to say what the others have said and that is you are definitely not alone. I’m right there with you. My husband has had PTSD for years after serving 10 years in the USMC infantry - but it just recently flared up for the first time in our relationship. It came out of no where and not knowing it was PTSD made me really angry with him. I didn’t understand why he acted the way he did... but once he finally told me about his ptsd, it all made sense.

My husband and I have been in a really bad place for about two months now. And the last two days have been the worst so far. He has been gone, refused to talk to me (or anyone else - besides a quick conversation with my mom because they are super close), and won’t even tell me where he is. We have both said that we want a divorce and even though I am hurt and angry, I just can’t picture my life without him... so I’m giving him his space to figure things out. He said he would be coming home tomorrow so we will just see what happens. I know this sounds awful but the ending is all that matters and even though we are in a really bad place right now, I am hopeful. When we have these huge blowouts - we always manage to come back together. So don’t give up just yet. There is help. I’ve been told it is a life long thing but it can be managed.

Personally, I entered therapy myself. I found a therapist whose area of focus is combat related PTSD - she has been a great help to me and has even done sessions with my husband, and the both of us together as a couple. It’s always a good sign if they’re willing to get help.

Also, I’ve heard numerous times that it gets worse before it gets better. Meaning, when it all comes out into the open, life is gonna be hell. And for us, it has been. But again, I remain hopeful that the better days are just around the corner.

I’m so sorry that you’re also finding yourself in this position. It’s hard... especially when you love the sufferer more than life itself. But you need to speak up for yourself. PTSD, nothing for that matter, gives anyone the right to disrespect another individual. And your feelings count, make them heard... you just gotta make sure it’s a good time (not when they are clearly on edge) and that you are gentle with your words. Wishing you the best of luck with everything!

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’m just learning how to co-exist with my sufferer. If I identify certain words, names of people, or talks of certain times, I try to prevent triggers by changing the subject or throwing him off with random questions. Just a little trick I came up with to help with dealing with ptsd. I do really love my sufferer very much, so I’m willing to do anything it takes to make things a little better. I also sought out a therapist who specializes in ptsd and couples, so I went to see him alone. My bf is willing to go to a therapist, so I’m willing to get him there. As mentioned by others, he has to be willing to see a therapist which can be tremendous help.

 

[Sighs]

I’m willing to do anything it takes to make things a little better.

Please be careful with this mindset. "anything"? Don't forget to set your own boundaries about what is reasonable and what is not acceptable to you. Don't get me wrong, I do a LOT to try and help my veteran, but I'm no longer prepared to say I will do anything. One of the things I will no longer do is get myself deeper in debt spending money on his latest whim. Its hard to resist doing that when he shows some spark of happiness when engaging in an expensive hobby. But I have to look after my own financial security as well.

 

[SE-010]

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while but I want to thank you all for responding to my post and making me feel like I am not over-sensitive. This might sound bad and that is not how it’s meant but it is nice to see that other people relate to my situation or that it’s recognisable.
Thank you again, means a lot to me that you took the time and effort to respond