@somerandomguy , trying to get something out before the night.
Agree with
@Friday , though I can't form that perspective because I don't leave much/ many behind. BUT, the pain that makes it feel necessary or an option is just showing you how deep the pain is and how critical it is to changing what is contributing to such pain. I like
@Friday 's idea, because it points out SI is final, but nothing else is. Nothing. Nothing is impossible to improve upon. Maybe the way(s) haven't worked yet, so you think rule that out but where or how do I find peace(ful moments)? What are different ways I can make changes, no matter how small, that make even overall-life easier? Right down to choosing what to eat, and not wearing an uncomfortable piece of clothing.. saying what is on your mind, but not taking every other (negative) word of other's to heart. Realizing others are struggling too, so their stuff is maybe not coming from the best place. Looking for even one thing you love about your spouse- a spot of their hair, a freckle, an eyelash. Thinking of what you've overcome together. Seeing how far You have come. Seeing things about yourself (positively) through other's eyes (trust them). Taking a break- making a break where able so you don't breakdown.
Idk how your wife treats you, or communicates with you, but it may be necessary to say, in the most simple words, "When you say (x) it hurts me deeply, because I feel (y)", +/or to say I am totally flooded or overwhelmed and want to talk to you, can we both try in 30 minutes? (And take 30 min to ground, not think over what was being said). Or to say, can we both make a code word, when now is not the time, but we will regroup and try in (x) minutes? Or a code word for anything.
Even caring for the toddler, and taking sex off the table, it's more than ok to say, this is how I feel connected, or safe, or you are my safe harbour. I need time to adjust to this. Not critical, in fact it's complimentary. You both need to re-become that for each other. Because there's a lot of problems that remain through life, but there was likely a lot of love there to marry and stay together. You're both under heaps of stress. IMHE it's very difficult (when you're both under it, especially) during stress or grief, etc, to act and speak (and think) lovingly, kindly, or attentively (and patiently) with one another. But it helps to to get the basics- food, rest, sleep, distraction. When you're flooded or sleep-deprived or frightened it very likely will escalate, or end up stone-walling/ shutting down. (I'm at the point in my life where it can actually make me faint, or totally constricts my throat).
To be blunt, if the idea of suicide is looking very attractive, I hope you will tell someone who is sane and will hold it in confidence. And listen to their suggestions. And keep posting here. :hug::hug::hug:
ETA, I'm so sorry it is so difficult right now. :( Please be kind to yourself. :hug:
