Relationship Experiencing My Wifes Ptsd For The First Time...it's Hard

[Octrav87]

Things have been so hard lately and I feel like I don’t recognize the woman I married anymore. I’ve given her the space she’s asked for but from moment to the next she’s mean and starts telling me that I’m a horrible and starts calling out all my flaws. Flaws that my wife used to say she loved me for. She lashed out and said I don’t appreciate her, I told her that that wasn’t true and I that I was very sorry for making her feel that way. So then I asked what I did to make her feel that way, she said I don’t know I just do. This just didn’t make sense because we talk about everything and we were fine just a minute ago. Before these pasted few weeks my wife was the kind of person to tell me every morning how much she loves me and how much I mean to her. My wife has always be the most loving and caring person in the world, so seeing this side of her kills me. I feel like she tries to say anything she could to hurt me and push me away. She makes comments like, I need to focus on my career and you need to focus on yourself and I don’t like that you’re so dependent on me. I have graduated from college, I have a good job, and yes I should be able to depend on my wife for everything and anything. Comments that she’s making just don’t make sense. I’ve been scared to ask if this is her or her PTSD because I don’t want to upset or hurt her but yesterday I finally did. She told me it is and that she feels disconnected from me, that she resents me for everything and doesn’t care how I feel. I cried my eyes out and of course tried to hide it because me crying lately just seems to make her upset. This is something I knew I was getting myself into when I married her and I am finally seeing how her PTSD transforms her. I love this woman with every ounce of my soul. I told her that I’m not giving up on her and that I won’t let her go. She told me that sometimes you need to let go of the person you love and that she was letting me go. I told her that she didn’t mean what she was saying and of course her reaction was, “don’t tell me how I’m feeling!” I am new to this and trying to figure out what I can do to help but it’s hard. Everything had been fine up until a few weeks ago when she just went off on me. I know its stress that triggered this but she somehow blames me. We have been together for three years and this is our first fight, we are a couple who talks to each other about everything. Except her PTSD she told me from the being that she had it but I she never acted like it at all and I felt horrible to ask why she had it, so I never asked. My wife has been in school/training for her job before she leaves overseas for a year and I haven’t seen her in four months. They keep changing her date for her to come home, and as of right now I am only going to see her for 7days before she has to go overseas. What can I do when we are so far apart? I am so scared that she won’t snap out of it during the time that she’s home.

 

[Senecia]

I suppose first..it'd be good to know that it's not your fault and from what you said, it appears you didn't do anything wrong. With PTSD it often feels like we're chaotic and aren't even in control of our own bodies. It leads to lashing out, saying ridiculous things, etc. I'm sure you see that now. In my situation, sometimes I get a flashback of my old relationship and I start believing that my fiance is doing the same things my abusive ex did. I know he's not, but it's like I just go into this trance where I can't get my mind off of it. It's hard to separate reality from past abuse. Try not to tell her she doesn't mean what she says, rather ask if you can do anything for her...even if that just means small actions of kindness like getting her water when she's thirsty. I'm not an expert, but it helps me whenever I get into arguments with my mother.

It's probably not going to make sense a lot of the time..Try to be there for her but at the same time give her her much needed space. When she's gone, don't break communication. Socialization is good. Just try not to come across as smothering. There's a really wonky balance, but it's there. I wish you the best of luck...I know it's hard. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Welcome to the forum.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

I know that this is going to sound strange, but she most likely doesn't know why she's feeling this way - she won't have analised anything that far yet because she's too busy just trying to get through each day.

Try to be supportive, but please, please don't try to patronise, rationalise or override anything she's feeling right now. She needs to get through this.

As has been said before, keep the lines of communication open, what works for me is a friend just talking about everyday meaningless drival (for want of a better expression) as its a distraction from the panic I'm feeling or the attack I'm about to have.

Each persons experience of PTSD is different, give her time.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Lashing out sucks. Getting pushed out sucks... and oh man, if I had a nickel for every time my sufferer pointed out my flaws I would be a rich woman. It sucks large-time. That's the PTSD dance. Sufferers cannot control a relationship, loving somebody, or how their partners feel, and lack of control is very very scary when somebody is trying to control their environment for self preservation.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Although many of us have PTSD, it is not a license to be careless with verbal attacks on our love ones or within our communication. Devaluing a relationship is a sad choice of reaction on her part. There are many ways to offer truth in kindness. jmho

I am sorry for your pain and tears.

Within this site, you will run across various PTSD Books. Perhaps you might consider reading about it a little so that you can surf the waves with more confidence & stronger awareness of your own boundaries as well. Education can be freeing.

:hug:'s if you accept.

 

[GWhizz]

Wow, am I your wife!?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say. I know a lot of ppl will say this isn't her ptsd but this is ptsd for me at times. I push my most loved ones away and sabotage the good things in my life. And I just can't seem to control it if I'm going through a rough point with my ptsd. I have serious attachment issues though.

I even did it to my last T quite a bit but couldn't see it at the time. But she told me it was the child in me acting out around those I felt safe to do so with as I never got the chance as a child. I don't know. I know I'm a bitch sometimes because of it.

The one thing that's helped me personally is using mindfulness daily. It gives me time to do meditation/yoga which I really enjoy. And it also reminds me to think more seriously about my actions. For far too long I've been pretty careless about how I treated some really good ppl, all because I couldn't trust that there was good in others. But that's no way to live. It's allowing ptsd to rule me.

Have you done relationship counselling?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Word of advice? Yeah, you kinda do want her to "snap out of it" but at the same time, hearing that from someone is akin to hearing "just let it go" or "move on from the past". Its a disorder and as such, we can't always just "snap out of it". That is a hot button phrase for me, and I think if you told her that, it would just anger her more.

 

[Octrav87]

Thank you everyone for your input and advise, it truly means the world to me.

My wife is active military so she has been gone for training for almost four months before going overseas for a year. Her PTSD has been going on for about a month now and I have had to work with this only over the phone and text messages. During the time that she has been gone with training it has really been unorganized, half the time they (military) didn’t know what training she was going to take and she spent two weeks just sitting in a hotel room on base. Also not giving her a time as to when she will be able to go home before she leaves and how long she will be able to go home. They changed this on her so many times and I know she was so angry and stressed out. But she was just trying to be strong for me by not letting me know how overwhelmed she was. Those two weeks were hard and she didn’t really want to talk so I gave her some spaces and that’s when her PTSD took over.

I have been handling this the best way I can; however I just got the call this morning from her that she is driving home (22hr drive). They moved up her date and told her that she wasn’t going to be able to come home and that they would ship her car to me. She told me that she had to tell them that she had important things to talk to me about before she leaves and that’s the only reason why they are letting her come. She was very short and I heard that numbness in her voice again that scares me.

I am cleaning the house and writing this. I am so afraid that she’s coming home to tell me she’s done, I know that I should feel better when she says that there a lot to talk about. But not knowing what she is planning to tell me is driving me nuts. Selfish is what I’m being because this isn’t about me it’s about her. Since her PTSD was triggered nothing I’ve done or said has been right. I’ve never snapped and told her anything mean, rude, or hurtful. I refuse to let the love of my life go.

If she comes home with no other intention but to leave me, I won’t let her. I am still new to this yet

I’ve seen that telling her no, isn’t going to work. So my plan to just be strong because this will someday pass, tell her that I will be here when she comes home from Bahrain. Our relationship is better than all this and I would wait a lifetime for this woman.