Self Respect for the First Time in my Life

[Lost in the Woods]

I have always felt excluded, like a second class member of my family. This was true as a child and as I make progress on my PTSD healing journey I realize I have recreated that in my marriage and the relationship with my kids. By saying I recreated it, I mean I tolerated it until it became so normalized no one can think of treating me differently. I should have nipped it in the bud but I didn’t. Anyway, about 3 months ago there was a news article about a decision my wife had to make, she has a very public job. So I was taking my son out to dinner and I was talking about the article. The matter involved a decision that no matter which way my wife decided people would be harmed. I tried to explain to my son that sometimes in legal matters there is no right answer, people will be harmed. Thus the analysis needs to look at the balance of harms, which choice harms the least amount of people. When we got to the restaurant my son said the discussion needed to stop before we went inside or it wasn’t going to be pleasant and then he slammed the car door.

I thought about it for a moment and then told my son that I didn’t think dinner was a good idea and I asked him to drive me home. He did and didn’t speak to me for weeks. Apparently my son had strong feelings about one of the groups involved which I get but I found his lashing out at me as totally unacceptable. In other words, I stood up for myself and refused to be treated as a sub human for the first time. By the way, my wife’s ultimate decision was totally against the group my son favored and he never said a word to her about it.

Then Christmas comes around and my wife and the kids decide I am not welcome at the family Christmas and offer a separate gift exchange with me which I found demeaning and declined.

This morning I took my son out to breakfast and we were going to go on a hike afterwards. It is snowing and my son had not brought a proper jacket so he wanted to swing by my wife’s place to pick one up. That was fine with me but he made a point that I had to wait in the car while there. I visit my wife at her place frequently and there has never been an issue about being in the house. I pointed out to my son that both he and my wife often come to where I live and enter without even knocking and that is considered OK but in the reverse situation I am told to wait in the car. I told him that such an attitude made me feel like less than a full family member. I decided that hiking under such circumstances wasn’t OK with me and I hiked alone.

The point of this is that as I heal some conduct directed at me is no longer acceptable. It never was but I now can say no, I won’t do that. I told my son that this is exactly the type of treatment that is driving my desire to move to New Zealand and cut off all contact with my family. Have any of you faced similar situations as you heal? I have always been the designated problem and often that was earned. But on the other hand, everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, I am not. I have a feeling I am not alone on this. What is your experience with this as you progress on your healing journey?

 

[Friday]

I told him that such an attitude made me feel like less than a full family member.

That’s… odd.

As he asked a favor for himself, and you took it so personally (that he acted in his own best interest, and casually yours, by requesting…. instead of ignoring/refuting/doormatting HIS issues to favor yours; nor so callously as to not not ask at all, but simply assume you’d stay in the vehicle whilst he grabbed his jacket, from his mom’s house), you told him to f*ck off? IE Cancelled your plans with your son, to sulk/sort your own issues.

No lie, it’s clearly COMPLICATED, in your family. But to tell your son to f*ck off, to deal with how HUGE the issues are betwixt you/ex/kids/childhood MINUS himself? As if he was a completely unimportant afterthought, to vent at? Is a ginormourmous thing. That what is BETWEEN you & your ex, and you & your FOO, supersedes your relationship with him? <low whistle> That’s BIG stuff. To so cut him out. To so disrespect such an ask. To take such a normal thing as such a dire insult. That is such a gutting/shredding/heartbreaking thing to have done to your son.

I thought about it for a moment and then told my son that I didn’t think dinner was a good idea and I asked him to drive me home. He did and didn’t speak to me for weeks.

That’s fair. It was a heavily weighted and powerful thing that you did. That it would take your kid some time to process… that this was a BIG thing, for you, instead of just a causal-keep-things-easy; wait here, I’ll grab it and be back… normal thing.

The point of this is that as I heal some conduct directed at me is no longer acceptable. It never was but I now can say no, I won’t do that.

That’s your right.

But on the other hand, everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, I am not.

This? Is NOT an example of that. This is a Trauma-example.

HIS jacket.
HIS mom.
HIS jacket left at HIS mom’s house.

That you made about you, and your childhood, and your shit. And told your present to f*ck off, to deal with your past.

It’s good he’s talking with you, again. That it only took him a few weeks to get to the point of realising that what you did? Was about you. Not about him.

I would be profoundly grateful it took him so little time.
And so abashed -if not outright ashamed/regretful/remorse to my eyeballs- I put him in that position, to begin with.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you for your comments. It is a long complicated history and for me, refusing to be shit upon by family members is a big step forward.