the only thing that helps me with this cycle is to not engage with it.
i try not to have sex unless i know i'm in a place where it will have a posetive impact instead of a negetive one. which means if i'm in the place where afterward. all i'm doing is wanting to hurt my self or spiraling out about nonsense. i shouldn't be having sex to begin with.
but more than that, the most importent thing, i shouldn't be allowing my spouse to act as an instrument that i use to hurt my self. because that isn't conducive to any thing and it harms him. that rule is not always successful because my brain is garbage.
and some times i get triggered and start shit just because i suck. my spouse is usually pretty good at identifying that that is happening and telling me to mess off. but not all the time. but also sometimes he just wants to or i want to and blah blah.
humans are humans. we can't all be f*cking civilized all the time. so things slip through the cracks. but generally speaking it's served us both well that both of us should, ideally, be mentelly in the place to emotionally deal with what is going on-
since there obviously is an emotionel part of it (or there wouldn't be a problem. we'd just be hooking up! it wouldn't matter.) and not just thinking with our dicks. and if it's getting to the point that sex is this chore that you're like putting your self through for a benefit other than your own-
or that you want to be doing it but you can't get over all of these feelings afterward-those are the times that i find it least useful to be having active sex. because it's not helping anything. it's just continuing the cycle. as for actually dealing with those things, outside of having sex, that is generally more complicated.
and it depends on what is going on. for me i tend to get very specific reactions of specific things. that is that i am being caused to react a certain way based on what is actually happening around me and not because of some vague undefined f*cking thing.
it used to be that way and it just used to be this big fog of misery that i tried to slash at (often literally, at my self) to try and clear it away. and that wasn't successful. i had to really come to grip with the fact that i need to think about the specifics.
the things that were actually happening to me. that i was doing. that had happened. and the ways in which all of that coalesced. and that work sucks. a lot. but it probably is the only thing that will make some of this easier for you.
which i don't know which category you are in. obviously the specific is easier to deal with. so i just go and i think about it for a while until i sort it out. and then i feel more able to go back and try again. if that isn't posseble for you you may need to do more work to make it more defined.
in terms of what is actually triggering you to feel this way, physically. if it's always like this. if there are moments where it isn't like this. what all of those different intersections of things have in common with one another. if it's the just "idea" of sex or the mythology of sex in general.
anyway all of those words to say i don't have any specific solutions for you because i don't actually know your specific problems with sex, other than that you have this vague Problem afterward. and it may be because it is that vague to you which is the problem, it's vague. and it needs to be made clearer.
or that you do actually know in which case those are the things you should be figuring out. in this sense a therepist who is trained to deal with sexual abuse victims might be of benefit to you if you are not already seeing some one.
and of course this is just what works for me. every human being is different!
