Extremist, All Or Nothing Behavior And How To Stop It

[purgemeofthepain]

Hello everyone. I need some advice on getting rid of the extremist, black and white, all or nothing nature that I experience.

I can't feel a thing and I'm dead inside and in my body too sometimes, as in I am broken in the physical and every other sense. As soon as something remotely close to pain shows up in my body, I break to pieces and dissociate physically and mentally from it. I disavow that bodypart immediately and can't even feel it anymore. Mentally I'm trying to tell myself to tolerate the pain, but it's useless, as my body has already ran away from it.

Emotions and feelings are also so far away and hard to reach. I get stimulated by the stress all around me and I think I get angry (can't be sure) or whatever else, but I dissociate immediately out of pure fear. Fear of acting like a jerk with my family and the consequences it would bring. I won't allow anger or any other feeling to happen or take me over. I don't think I'm entitled to feel what I should be feeling.

The big problem tho is that as dead inside as I am, there are other times when I feel too stimulated, too alive, too hyper and too sensitive. Everything in my life is either one extreme or the other. All or nothing. Even with my muscle system, they either contract to the fullest or they are completely loose and dead.

I don't know what to do and I don't know what or who I am anymore (I don't think I've ever known). As soon as I get comfortable in one position or as soon as I find something I like and enjoy, BAM I fly to the other extreme and I hate it and can't stand it. Nothing is constant or stable, it's all changing too fast for me to have a base upon I can work from to get lasting improvement and healing.

I'm always in limbo. In a netherworld where I'm not fully present but not fully gone either. Always floating above my head, mostly because inhabiting my body brings so much pain. It goes like : numb-pain-numb-pain and it never ends!

I move from extreme fear to complete bliss, from full on rage and anger to sheer happiness, from numb to pain, from male to female (yes even genderwise I'm confused), from utterly gay to completely straight, from normal to sick, I absolutely adore my family one second and then the next I could kill them, etc, etc. I'm everything and nothing all at once. It's awful.

The numbness scares me, cause I feel like I'm disappearing or don't exist. But then the pain is SO extreme that I am happy to return to the endless cycle.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be very thankful.

 

[franciemarnie]

What is working for me is Somatic Therapy where I safely release trauma energy without discussing the details of the original trauma, and also mindful meditation, where I safely experience my body head to toe.

Have you read Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine? It's fantastic and illuminating.

I know the merry-go-round you are talking about. It is exhausting and there is very little quality of life. Other types of somatic therapy might work for you too.

Since the primitive brain cannot understand language and thought, you have to get through to it via the senses. It can be done. Telling it you are safe with words or thought is like talking to the wall.

I hope you get relief soon!

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you are stuck in a numb-flood cycle where you feel numb/dissociative and then later flooded with feelings. I'm so sorry you are going through this! It is a hard thing to struggle with. My therapist says it's common with trauma. I used to experience it a lot. It's gotten better with lots of work learning and applying physically based grounding and mindfulness skills, and processing trauma through somatic experiencing therapy.

 

[joeylittle]

Are you seeing a therapist? And have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist for depression or bipolar as well as PTSD?

 

[purgemeofthepain]

What is working for me is Somatic Therapy where I safely release trauma energy without discussing the details of the original trauma, and also mindful meditation, where I safely experience my body head to toe.
Have you read Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine? It's fantastic and illuminating.

Thanks for the tip. I've been reading people's posts here and there's a lot of mentions of Somatic Therapy. I'll definitely check it out and I just got the book on Kindle.

I'm also in the process of listening to "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat Zinn, so that might be of some help if I can avoid too much dissociation during my attempts at mindfulness meditation.

It is exhausting and there is very little quality of life.

Yeah, it's not easy at all, that's for sure. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't even know what to say cause of this major instability. I tend to say that I'm alright in some areas and awful in others. I've dropped 80lbs since January through diet and exercise and my physical health seems ok sometimes (I can exercise and I'm not terminally ill! that's gotta count) so that's the good part, being motivated to keep that up, but on the psycho-emotional side, I'm a total mess.

Since the primitive brain cannot understand language and thought, you have to get through to it via the senses. It can be done. Telling it you are safe with words or thought is like talking to the wall.

I found these ideas very eye opening. It makes so much sense! This is why all my attempts at improvement and change have always gone to waste after a while. I end up realizing it's pointless cause my primal instincts are much stronger than any of the positive and reassuring thoughts I try to use. It feels like there's just no way this is gonna make any difference, and it's so true that my brain is always saying one thing, like: "calm down, they´re your family, they're not here to hurt you" and many other things, but my body and my primitive brain, as you so well put it, are telling me to get the hell out, to freeze, or to attack. Wow. Thanks a lot for this and your whole post.

It sounds like you are stuck in a numb-flood cycle where you feel numb/dissociative and then later flooded with feelings.

That's right, I am totally dead, can't feel a thing and then, next thing I know, my heart is racing and I'm feeling extreme fear, or extreme pain or whatever it is my warped view of myself and the hostile world I perceive put into my consciousness. It sucks.

Are you seeing a therapist? And have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist for depression or bipolar as well as PTSD?

Sadly, I can't afford therapy right now, but even if I could (I might be able to afford one session a week) the fact I have to get out of the house and have to build a therapeutic relationship with a stranger from zero, just makes me cringe and dismiss the possibilty. I've been doing well on my own tho, through self-help books, good diet, Yoga, etc. But I seem to have hit a wall, where I have come face to face with my traumas and all the terror and pain they bring me and I just haven't been able to face it all just yet. I usually get in touch with some awful memories and feelings and then come close to freaking out and have to immediately dissociate and break in order to "survive" or escape from the pain and horror.

The fact that I was passed out while I was attacked makes things twice as confusing cause I don't know which of the images and feelings are true and actually happened and which are just fabrications and false memories, brought on by my overactive imagination and schizoid brain.

To answer your second question, I'm diagnosed with Schizophrenia and depression but the PTSD is just a given that my doctor has agreed with as well, so I consider myself diagnosed with that also, even if I haven't had the guts to discuss the exact trauma (the biggest one of the many I've had) with him yet.

Being bipolar is something I never even gave any thought to, but I might as well bring it up with my doctor next time and see what he thinks. I am too lazy and tired to go look for the exact criteria right now (it's late for me and I'm beat), so I'll see what's what tomorrow. To be honest, it's also exhausting to constantly be on the lookout for what my major malfunction is and for what's so wrong with me. Constantly trying to find something to heal me, to cure me and fix me, to ease the pain, searching for reasons for why I am this way. Searching for ways to cope and just LIVE better and ways to find who I am and how to just be. It's all too much sometimes. I become overly saturated with information and I feel like my head is gonna explode! So yeah, enough of this for a day.

Thanks for everyone's posts. I appreciate the willingness to help!

 

[joeylittle]

To be honest, it's also exhausting to constantly be on the lookout for what my major malfunction is and for what's so wrong with me.

I really understand this feeling.

Don't bother looking up the criteria, just ask your doc next time you see them - and describe the all-or-nothing feelings you are having. They could be anything from cyclothemic depression to bi-polar to some sort of strange bounce-back effect from your meds (assuming you are taking some to manage the schizophrenia). In other words, it might be a symptom chemically, in which case all the thought-adjusting in the world isn't going to bring you some relief.

It sounds like you know you need to get to work on the trauma; even though it's always absolutely terrifying (I think most on this site would agree), common wisdom would say that you are going to be at this wall until you start addressing it. It never comes up at a convenient time. I was puttering along in full denial of mine and just trying to figure out ANY way to manage my depression, when it rather suddenly became time to deal with my trauma, and no amount of deciding not to was going to work.

Maybe, without disclosing, you can talk to your doc about trauma therapists and whether they have one they would recommend. its always a lot easier (I think) when you have some sort of bridge between your psych and a therapist. Makes them feel slightly less like a total total random stranger.

I get that money is a big barrier. Many therapists work on a sliding scale for those without insurance, and I would just encourage you to get some help from another live person on this stuff. It's hard to do on your own.

Also, check out the thread in "Therapy" called something like "one page treatment for PTSD", started by Anthony. I'm fudging the name of the thread, but you might find that thread really really useful.

 

[jmni]

I've felt similar to this in the past but could not of put it as well into words as you did. Unfortunately at the time I was not in therapy and did not do very well, so mostly I turned to escapism. I read fiction and watched anime just to lose myself in a different world, and puzzles were great for me (puzzles.com) especially in the morning when my subconscious mind seems to be more active.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice than that.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

They could be anything from cyclothemic depression to bi-polar to some sort of strange bounce-back effect from your meds (assuming you are taking some to manage the schizophrenia). In other words, it might be a symptom chemically, in which case all the thought-adjusting in the world isn't going to bring you some relief.

My sister has bipolar disorder, so it isn't too far fetched that I might have it too.

I am under two different antipsychotics (don't you just hate that name?) and I recently tried lowering the dosage to the smallest possible, but failed miserably. I was feeling better after my weight loss and I felt strong, but no, I've realized how important the chemical help is to me and my condition. I had to raise the dose right back up.

I think that my main problem is not being able to deal with the trauma tho, and finally face it so I can heal. The meds are just a way to numb my pain and fear and if I continue to use them as an escape method instead of as an AID to my recovery, I'll never get better. I don't think numbing my mind and body further is the answer. I raised the dose but no way I'm returning to the previous one. I was WAY too zombified back then!

Maybe, without disclosing, you can talk to your doc about trauma therapists and whether they have one they would recommend. its always a lot easier (I think) when you have some sort of bridge between your psych and a therapist. Makes them feel slightly less like a total total random stranger.

Actually, my psych doctor said he will discuss my case with a new potential CBT therapist but that doesn't make me any less terrified of the rides to his office or having to build the relationship from the ground up. But yeah, I just need to be brave and tolerate the fear cause this might help me a lot.

Also, check out the thread in "Therapy" called something like "one page treatment for PTSD", started by Anthony. I'm fudging the name of the thread, but you might find that thread really really useful

Thanks for the tip, I haven't fully explored the forum just yet and there's so much help here that I have no clue about. I'll take a look at the thread tonight.