Facing A Party

[Sandstone]

Ah, now you see, I'm busily engaged in the thing where it happened, it's over and I completely ignore it.

It went better than I expected. Thanks for the positivity! The ex was a bit chattier and more sociable with me than I would have liked. He and the other daughter had bought her wedding dress that day and he wanted to tell me about it instead of letting her.I suppose it is reasonable that I just don't like him, but also reasonable that I behave as well as possible to make it easier for the children.

I managed the Tube OK, and was glad then that I was wearing make up as I felt less obtrusive.

I had to go outside and decompress several times, but that didn't seem too noticeable as we were on a boat so I appeared to be looking at the view. Overall, I think I presented a reasonable facsimile of myself. One flippant comment I made got the response "I can tell you are 'birthday girl's" mum, that is exactly what she would say" which suggested I was sounding like my old self.

The aftermath has left me exhausted, I did nothing yesterday and just grazed on nuts and cheese. Today I'm still mostly sitting down with the cat.

You are completely right when you say

and I get a sense too of some...grief, almost...for the person you used to be...?

I liked being me, I was happy and comfortable, and it took so long to arrive there that I miss it far more now it is gone. I feel an enormous sense of loss for the person who would have looked forward to that party in the expectation of enjoying everyone there.

 

[barefoot]

Really glad that it went better than you expected - sounds like you managed it well and I think it's very understandable that you needed some down time afterwards to recalibrate.

And it does sound like "the old you" maybe made a few appearances too - even though perhaps only for short moments. We are all changed by our experiences/PTSD and I relate to sometimes missing/yearning for the old me - or some of the behaviours of the old me is probably more accurate because, I think, at my core, my values etc, I suppose I probably am fundamentally the same. Not sure if it's clear what I mean or whether I look like I just massively contradicted myself - I'm very tired! ;-)

Anyway - thanks for the update. I really think you did well.