Failed At Emdr Again - Where Now?

[Maggiemay]

So, had therapy yesterday. We were supposed to be installing a safe place using EMDR. Last time we tried I struggled, so I went prepared with pics of my safe place I'd chosen, sounds etc, confident it would work. But...

Yet again I failed :,( I was able to talk about the place, feel calm and describe how it made me feel related to the different senses and I began tracking her fingers. I found this tricky as my vision isn't the greatest at the best of times - hard to focus on moving objects - and I could see her despite trying to block her out (I never give her eye contact and thought she was trying to trick me into doing so). We talked through it all and then changed to tapping, which was easier, however...

We came to the conclusion I can't focus on my internal world and pay attention to external stimuli - it's one or the other. Thus EMDR, no matter how hard we try will never work :(

I'm devestated as I was so desperate for it to work - I prepared myself, was motivated and was the most honest I've ever been in a session... But it just wasn't enough. Yet again my very strong dissociative tendencies got in the way.

I cried lots with her and got very frustrated - destroyed my boots in her office and took my glasses off so I was almost deliberately dissociating after we'd failed :( I said how confused I am at the no and no matter how hard I try I can't understand and make sense of what's going on... I can't work out if my dissociation is purely a symptom of PTSD/BPD or a disorder in it's own right (I suffer from both depersonalization and derealism). I don't get it!

I had a horrific evening after - crying lots, panic attack that was the worst in a year, and funnily I dissociated....

Really don't know where I stand or where to go from here... :(

 

[Marf]

Please try not to think of it as failing. Trust yourself - your brain - that you need to be protected from something. EMDR is tricky with multiple traumas depending on how much they have already been processed with other stratoes first. Take care of yourself!

 

[mytai]

Be easy on yourself, EMDR isn't for everyone. I've only tried it once, it was an example session my T did with me to show me how it worked. We haven't done it since. I dissociate also, so for me it can be complicated to do something like EMDR when I have a tendency to dissociate, it defeats the purpose and the goal of EMDR isn't accomplished. My T probably won't go back to it with me until she knows I have learned and am able to put into effect the tools she has given me/continues to give me to remain present in her office.

It's not the only therapy out there, and it doesn't work for everyone. Not just people with multiple traumas, but also people with single traumas. Just remember, everyone has a different learning style, some people are hands on learners, some are auditory learners, and others are visual learners, or a combination of those. No one person is the same, therefore no one form of therapy works for everyone.

 

[Justmehere]

I did EMDR once and I found it absolutely impossible to do it with my eyes or by using bilateral sound. My T had to use "tappers" - they are little pads that I held in my hands that vibrated (like a cell phone vibrates) back and forth. It worked better and I was able to hold the focus on the internal world and external world - it took almost no effort to do it that way. My T showed me how to do it myself on my own to "tap" in my safe place (but she said no tapping with trauma). EMDR is really really tricky with dissociation and for me, it made the dissociation much worse. It often had huge flooding after the EMDR and then would dissociate much like you described.

I found the EMDR was ok for less complex trauma events and for installing safe place, but wasn't the right therapy for me in the long run. It isn't te right fit for many people. I had a therapist who even tried it once and found it overwhelming and too hard for her personally.

It was really really hard for me to let go and I was so deeply discouraged because I tried so hard and I thought I was broken, beyond repair.

But that wasn't the case for me and I don't beleive it is for you.

I don't know what the right therapy is for you. I know that trying EMDR left me with skills and experiences that I'm using now and building on in other therapy types.

For you - look at what you have done and accomplished just trying! You were honest and took big risks and you did so much to explore what your safe place is. Part of healing from PTSD is having new experiences and trying new things to share and risk and trust. You did that. You have a lot to be proud of. Lots! You did a lot more than many people can do.

After EMDR failed for me, they suggested brain spotting but that uses the eyes too and was too tough for me. I did other therapy types like Trauma focused CBT and DBT that really helped and now I'm doing a somatic experiencing therapy and it's a good fit. I'm not sure what will help you, but keep fighting the good fight to heal and don't give up!

 

[macca]

I'm sorry it didn't work out so well for you. :(

It sounds like your brain is very good at protecting you so that you cannot access stuff. Same as our brains usually do I guess. You didn't fail - your brain is just really good at this. My only EMDR, I couldn't access anything for ages. I kept hitting a "wall" inside my head. I even had an "earworm" of music playing in my head, that wouldn't go away. I didn't say for a while because I felt like a failure, but when I finally did - she asked what the lyrics were, and they were in part "can't bring me down". That referred to my wall. I was lucky and finally broke through to something but I dissociated badly straight after, and she had to work hard to bring me back. I had bad aftereffects that night and for a few days, but several days later it felt like it had done something useful. I can only cross my fingers that you might have gotten some benefit, even if it's small. If not, there appear to be many treatments for trauma, and maybe you just haven't struck the right one yet. Or maybe the bit that is busy protecting you just isn't ready to allow it yet. Just take good care of yourself, as EMDR seems pretty rough afterwards. See if you can find ways to ground, and that you find calming.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

EMDR didn't work for me, either. I don't have dissociative issues in general. It was impossible for me to focus on two things at once.

Fortunately there are other ways to process trauma.

 

[Joan]

Try not to beat yourself up. There is not one therapy that works for everyone. I have found EMDR helpful...more so when I used the hand buzzers than following my T's finger. Be kind to yourself and keep fighting hard. . It is a really hard journey and takes while to find what works for you.

 

[Barconian]

I think you did fantastic, just by trying again @Maggiemay. There are no rules of how long you have each session with EMDR, even if it is for 1 minute, albeit each time you try it, it does get that little bit easier as you learn what you are up against within your own fears and how to cope with it as you get therapy. Never ever give up. Only look for better ways to make it work :) I believe you have a lot of courage, just by what I see you write!

Try again!!!

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Marf. Your brain is an amazing thing that is good at protecting you. Maybe it isn't yet safe for you to do EMDR. Have you focused on coping skills before such as trauma focused CBT and DBT? It might help to do that first. There are lots of other ways to approach processing trauma and what works for people differs.

 

[seedling]

Maggiemay, It's hard to feel that kind of disappointment when you are so ready for something to work. I've been thinking about your post today. I don't think there is any failure. You say that you were the most honest that you've ever been. That's a real key to success in any kind of treatment. Your motivation paid off there. And you found out something important about the way your focus works.

It wasn't what you expected but I think you can be proud of what you did achieve and learn about yourself.

I'm struck by you taking your glasses off. I do this in sessions quite a bit when I get emotional and now that I think about it because you mentioned it I wonder what I am doing. It helps me not to be distracted by "seeing". I have issues with "seeing" things/people's emotions.

I hope you are feeling less discouraged. I hope you find a direction out of this experience. Not knowing where to go......can lead anywhere.

 

[anthony]

There are other options, and you tried, which is what matters most. Maybe look for Trauma Focused CBT or Prolonged Exposure, as they are the next best two equal of EMDR. PE actually has slightly better outcome percentages than EMDR...

 

[Barconian]

This is only what I believe. The trouble with EMDR is we need to be at a certain emotional level to be able handle the amount of strength needed to fulfil our desire for success in removing the over active trauma... But first we need to learn coping skills to be able to use our strength to it's full advantage.

There are no magic potions to fix PTSD only a hell of a lot of hard work, as you are all aware of.

Trying these other methods can only help MaggieMay