Fair Weather Friends Make Me Sad

[KwanYingirl]

I am an Electrologist. Part of what I like about the profession is that I get to be social with women of all ages ( some men too) but I don't have to be the 'real' me. They see me as brave to run a business and trustworthy because I have strict infection control policies. It's good for my self esteem.
I have two friends that have made me realize that they use me for free treatments, act like we're good friends, but they don't include me in lots of their social events.
Friend A planned a visit to get a treatment and then we planned to go out for lunch. She texted me in the morning that she was sorry, but she forgot it was her grandsons birthday. Fast forward to the afternoon and I'm on Facebook where I see her post a photo of her and another friend of hers drinking at a bar in a Portsmouth. Ouch.
Friend B will go to movies and concerts with me, but nothing else. Again, she texted to ask me to give her a treatment tomorrow (Sunday) because she has friends coming to stay with her for a few days. No mention of ever including me in the fun. I bluntly texted her that I am not working tomorrow and gave her three other choices next week.
I think they shun me because I don't drink and they both drink a lot of wine. Friend B has admitted that it's a problem for her. I don't get al AA on them. Their drinking is none of my business and they know I'd stay up all night talking as long as they're sober at the time.
Friend A took me to the hospital many years ago when I OD'd and she stayed with me all day. She also found me totally dissociated and slashed to hell. I am very grateful to her.
I think they are tired of my PTSD anxiety. The only connection is to get free electrolysis.
Have any of you successfully maintained female relationships while healing from PTSD? I have a lot of negative beliefs around social situations. I isolate, I don't join clubs or community action groups. Should I just be happy with whatever I can get? I feel lonely.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know how to maintain female relationships either. I don't currently have any female friends. I also feel you on the no drinking issue. I am going to look into joining social groups where drinking is not involved. I am hoping I can find more friends. I hope you can, too.

 

[new gamma rays]

I'm a male, who has had many close female friends in the past and it is a bit frustrating for me that two of those friends are in the mental health field, one is a therapist - and I feel like they are the last people I can turn to with my mental issues. The one friend who is a therapist I feel particularly angry with, because she has known for two years what I have gone through but never really seriously tried to reestablish friendship, or inquire about me. I kind of got the impression their advice was basically find a therapist. It can be really frustrating and I'm sorry your friends count you out. Maybe if you spoke to them about it in private they might at least know how it is affecting you?

 

[risingsun]

Should I just be happy with whatever I can get?

I am sorry KwanYinGirl that you have been subject to these types of associations. They are not friends. Friends include you, not exclude you. Friends celebrate you, not tolerate you. Friends accept you for who you are, rather than what you can offer. I have had these friends in the past. They would only call me up if I could "help them out" with something (i.e. rides, money, etc.). For a long time, I learned "to offer" so that I could receive their "false" friendship. And they knew that about me and capitalized upon it. I had been traumatized and I did not want to feel alone. Yet, they were adding to my trauma and inhibiting my ability to truly heal.

It took a long, long time to release these false friends especially since I had PTSD and didn't want to feel more isolated. I call them the "Takers." I held on to the good qualities of these people since even Takers can have some good qualities or moments they have offered us that keep us hooked into their false friendship. And my mind would hold onto this as they abused me and what I could offer.

Finally, though, I walked away from these friends. Currently, I do not have outside friends, but I have "myself" back, the best friend that I know I will never lose again. I am not losing pieces of myself to the "Takers." I no longer have to worry about who is doing "this or that without me." I no longer have to say "I'm sorry" all of the time. Foremost, I no longer have to give more than I receive and keep on "giving" until I feel so empty that I cannot find "me" in the equation. I felt more "alone" with these friends than I do now without any. Over time, I have been able to strengthen myself emotionally. And I know that I will find my real friends on this journey or even better, that they will find me. I think the same will happen for you KwanYin Girl.

KwanYin Girl, you have alot to offer. You present yourself as a loving, wonderful, and accepting being who only wishes to love and be loved unconditionally. I think PTSD allows us to truly "see" people for who they truly are, rather than what they present themselves to be. I think PTSD sensitizes you to what really matters in this life. I think your heart already knows what to do, but your mind is sending you messages that you will not find anything better. Remember KwanYinGirl, you deserve better than this. Your true friends are out there. These true friends will never cause you to question whether or not they will be there for you. With true friendship, there is a safe "knowing" that all is okay 'every day.'

Fear not KwanYinGirl. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and listen to your higher self that always knows what to do. Keep the Faith. Warmest to you. Rising Sun.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't know the people here, yet I have never felt accepted and valued as I have been here. And to think there are no borders between us just makes it more remarkable.

I just feel that I found 'my people' here. I can see my friends flaws with new eyes. I do have one true, blue friend of 32 years. In my emergency stage that lasted for freaking ever, she calmly called me every day just to say hi. She lives a state away but she'll be coming to the beach for a week and it'll be great to hang with her.

I also feel drawn to my reiki master. She has taught me a lot of metaphysics and has really tried to open the Universe for me to accept healing instead of denying myself that right.

Thanks for the support!

 

[Friday]

I absolutely hate being used, unless someone is upfront about it.

Especially when I was a SAHP, an ungodly number of people seemed to assume that meant free babysitting. Nope. Huh-uh. Nyet. Nein. No. Of course, I learned that the hard way. Because I'm nice (ish... I do bite), I cheerfully offered to help out in a pinch assuming my so called friends were like me and wouldn't take advantage. Nope. And lesson learned. Okay, then. Bye-bye.

That said... Something a friend of mine struggles with is not being invited to "everything". She has all new friends every 2 years because she gets so hurt that her adult friends aren't like her highschool friends. I live about 5,000 miles away from her, or I'm sure we wouldn't be friends anymore, either. Because the fact of the matter is, I have different groups of friends, that in no way interact with each other, or only interact on rare occasions. "My" closest friends (and then my exes and my closest friends, and then his closest friends, 3 very different groups), family friends, work friends, school friends, new friends, my kids friends' parents, out of town friends... The list goes on. And that doesn't even count politics stuff (schmoozing necessary), or activity related stuff (like I have shooting range friends and theatre friends that would hate hate hate each other, and don't get me started on church friends & punk rock friends. Oy. Never the twain shall meet. Or only on accident.).

So first of all, if my friend isn't invited to everything in someone else's life? She takes it as a snub. Secondly, while she can grasp academically that "her" friend might not be the one organizing an event, she can't grasp her friend not inviting her to someone else's event (when that's simply not how most people operate; organizer sets the invite list). And lastly, she feels "owed" everyone else's schedules all the time. Just last week it was a harangue about how "Jill" said she was going to the dog wash that afternoon... But... Did something else! Um. Honey. We've talked about this. Other people are free to change their minds, and alter their schedules to suit them. But why wouldn't they just tell her?!? Ummmm... Because it's insane to think anyone would! Chica! Breathe. You're not dating Jill. You didn't have plans with Jill that had to be changed. Jill has her own life. It doesn't mean she hates you that she doesn't treat you like a secretary. "Jamie" and I work, only because we are so far apart. We've even talked about what if, if she moved here, and yah. Even she realized she'd probably be mad at me within a week.

((Jamie is awesome by the by. She just has boundary issues. Since those issues don't affect our long distance friendship, all I get is her pure outstanding awesomeness, and the ever present "Am I overreacting? I don't think I'm overreacting." / "Yes. You're overreacting. Entertaining her husbands boss is not a dinner you should expect an invite to. And no. Just because you both have dogs doesn't mean she should call you before heading to the dog park. If she does? Bonus. Not a line item. What do you mean you gave your dog to your brother? Then there is no way on earth she should call you before heading to the dog park. Honey. Don't cry. I know you love your dog. Your brother's dog. She's not calling you a dog-hater by not calling you, nor making judgement on whether or not you should have given your dog to him. I promise. She just needed to take her dog for a walk. I'm sure you never even entered her mind. No. Not because she hates you. Because she doesn't want a fat dog. That's all. Promise."))

The reason I bring up Jamie... Is that one of the common things with PTSD (and she's got it, too) is screwed up boundaries. Both in being a doormat & in clingyness. Jamie spent sooooooo long being a doormat, that now she's overcompensated into Clingy with a capital C. She's working on it.

Healthy boundaries s.u.c.k. I mean, they're awesome. But whether it's realizing you're being used for free XYZ, or allowing other people to live their lives without needing to be a part of everything... It's a hard line to walk.

_______

So the first part... Where you're being used for free treatments. Yah. Kick that to the curb.

But where you're Facebook stalking to see what your friends are doing and not inviting you to? Back away. Don't be Jamie. She's lovely. But it's just as hard a habit to kick as being a doormat.

 

[Philippa]

This is something I've kinda been struggling with as well, and I agree with what fridayjones says...I have to remind myself that when my friend has dinner parties, or goes to events and doesn't invite me, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me or like my company, it's just that he is free to live his own life and doesn't have to invite me to every single event that he has on, because he is a very social guy and I probably wouldn't mix that well with some of his friends.

He's very into the BDSM scene and it's just not my thing. Even if it were, he is not obliged to invite me to everything, though I did find it hard to deal with not being invited to his dinner parties, and seeing all the yum food he cooked for it on facebook. I really want to go to one of his dinner parties...and I feel rejected and like I'm not good enough to make it into his circle of close friends.

I used to be a doormat as well, so finding a balance between that and not being clingy has been a challenge for me of late. I do have a girlfriend who really loves my company though, and many other people who say I'm good company, so if I'm not invited to his dinner, it's ok, because I might get invited to someone elses, or just do something on my own and try not to drive myself crazy about it.

I started a thread about this person a few weeks back, and have since spoken to him, as I deleted him on facebook. He called me up and expressed that he was really worried about me, and when I brought up the fact that he said he was a fair weather friend on facebook, he said that nothing he says on facebook is ever serious...which was true.

He never says anything serious on facebook...he is always joking around there. I ran into a close friend of his on friday night and told her about it, and how he never invited me to dinner parties, and she said she'd have a word to him about that...so maybe I will get invited?

Friends have assured me that he does actually care about me...I just took it badly when he said that. Sometimes it's all a miscommunication, and sometimes it's about me not expecting that I have to be invited to every social event my friends have on, because they are allowed to be with whomever they want.

 

[The Albatross]

It does sound a bit opportunistic that your two friends have been conditioned to expect free services for events in their lives but I think I would take a hard look at bartering services for social interactions. It could be something as simple as an occasional gift you have given your friends out of love or kindness... but somewhere along the line an expectation has been set up on both or all three parts... your friends are accustomed to your generosity, and you are feeling left out of their social events.

Put your thinking cap on and see if you can't come up with and identify some realistic and unrealistic expectations about both of these friendships? Then perhaps consider having a potentially difficult conversation with an open mind.

 

[KwanYingirl]

All good stuff here thanks. A major factor in them is my chemical sensitivity. People want to wear fragrances and wash their clothes in fragrance and plug in fragrance emitters in their house. I can't tolerate these fumes, my lungs fill up with mucous and I can't breathe.

There is one movie theatre that I can tolerate and I just think I'm too much trouble for them to make the others aware of my needs. It's way easier to count me out. One of them lives on the coast, literally the ocean is out her back door, and she has a boat. I asked her when she was going to take me for a ride and she said she doesn't think I could take the engine fumes. Well, I'd like to be the judge of that. It's a bitch of a condition to have. My family doesn't even make allowances for me.

I'm on the pity pot because it's summer and I would like to have fun with my friends. Just not going to happen.

 

[The Albatross]

I get what you mean about chemical sensitivity. It is a good realization to make. I am curious though as to why you decided that fun with your friends is just not going to happen instead of finding new ways to satisfy your need with you friends?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hmmm...good point. I guess it would mean having them come to my house which I have invited them many times to come for dinner and movie. I can go to one movie theatre and concerts and friend B does a lot of that with me. It's so hard to feel like one of the crowd.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. KwanYingirl... paradox. Hard to feel left out, hard to feel like one of the crowd. Which one is more generally beneficial and if navigated, examined, and challenged/managed might improve the quality of your life? I vote for that one. I do that for myself now reasonably consistently.