Justmehere
Sponsor
My extended family members are very successful in life generally. They are not perfect, but outside of matters related to my father and I, they are actually are generally decent humans. They support each other and do good things in the world... But every therapist I’ve seen says they scapegoated me in a horrible way. My family members have been clear: I am not welcome at any family events. Weddings, funerals, holidays, etc. They all agree, to some extent, my father was angry, aggressive, and sometimes violent.
He’s invited.
I am not.
Why? My speaking up (about abuse) when I was 16 and failing to “make your father happy” means I am not invited.
When I have asked what would make him happy? “You know.” That is the deepest level of specificity they have given. I know my father’s happiness is not up to me, but I still asked to try to understand better what they wanted and expected of me. No clarity.
I have contact with my mother. On holidays, she leaves all extended family, and even her spouse, my father, at the holidays, and spends them with me.
Which is weird.
My mother and I can’t talk about any family matters though, because it just never works to talk about it. She's willing to do family therapy with me... but I dunno... she and I are ok. She can't change the rest of them. Nor can a family therapist.
I’ve heard of families who cut someone off because of a drug habit, criminal behavior, mental illness, being gay, etc. All kinds of legit and really stupid reasons. Many trauma survivors have to cut off contact with family because it brings up too many on-going safety issues and/or too much contact with abusers and/or too many symptoms. All this has to be really painful.
In my family? It's none of those things. They act as if I do not exist. My father has a son. His daughter, me, is never mentioned, never spoken about. Family friends have contacted me to ask if I’m ok, they have validated they knew I was abused as a kid, apologized for doing nothing, and have expressed how weird the situation is now... (Yes that was awkward.) They say it’s like I died when I was a teenager. My mother keeps my old childhood bedroom just as it is when I was a teenager. Except in families where a teenager dies, at least people might talk about it now and then?
A trauma therapist once said this is existential abuse. I'm not sure that's a thing. But she said I suffered neglect the first few years of life, and now they deny that I even exist and that's existential abuse.
Years of therapy with a couple of trauma therapists with different approaches, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have tried to reconcile. I have tried to grieve. I work hard to not compare my reality with others. I've tried to find a partner to create a new family of my own, but that hasn't happened yet.
I'm haunted by the loss of my family. I can't seem to get my head around it or accept it and move on. Lately, it's been harder than ever. I'm having nightmares about it. Not about the trauma, but about the estrangement of my extended family members.
Anyone else deal with anything like this?
He’s invited.
I am not.
Why? My speaking up (about abuse) when I was 16 and failing to “make your father happy” means I am not invited.
When I have asked what would make him happy? “You know.” That is the deepest level of specificity they have given. I know my father’s happiness is not up to me, but I still asked to try to understand better what they wanted and expected of me. No clarity.
I have contact with my mother. On holidays, she leaves all extended family, and even her spouse, my father, at the holidays, and spends them with me.
Which is weird.
My mother and I can’t talk about any family matters though, because it just never works to talk about it. She's willing to do family therapy with me... but I dunno... she and I are ok. She can't change the rest of them. Nor can a family therapist.
I’ve heard of families who cut someone off because of a drug habit, criminal behavior, mental illness, being gay, etc. All kinds of legit and really stupid reasons. Many trauma survivors have to cut off contact with family because it brings up too many on-going safety issues and/or too much contact with abusers and/or too many symptoms. All this has to be really painful.
In my family? It's none of those things. They act as if I do not exist. My father has a son. His daughter, me, is never mentioned, never spoken about. Family friends have contacted me to ask if I’m ok, they have validated they knew I was abused as a kid, apologized for doing nothing, and have expressed how weird the situation is now... (Yes that was awkward.) They say it’s like I died when I was a teenager. My mother keeps my old childhood bedroom just as it is when I was a teenager. Except in families where a teenager dies, at least people might talk about it now and then?
A trauma therapist once said this is existential abuse. I'm not sure that's a thing. But she said I suffered neglect the first few years of life, and now they deny that I even exist and that's existential abuse.
Years of therapy with a couple of trauma therapists with different approaches, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have tried to reconcile. I have tried to grieve. I work hard to not compare my reality with others. I've tried to find a partner to create a new family of my own, but that hasn't happened yet.
I'm haunted by the loss of my family. I can't seem to get my head around it or accept it and move on. Lately, it's been harder than ever. I'm having nightmares about it. Not about the trauma, but about the estrangement of my extended family members.
Anyone else deal with anything like this?
