Relationship Family Involvement?

[grimalkin]

Here's a conundrum for me.

Husband obviously has untreated PTSD. He's been formally diagnosed, probably in his 20s? And again now, with our current marriage counselor. He pushes his family (sister and a half-brother and half-sister) and children (three kids, two grown and one a senior in high school) away on the regular, and I'm sure it's so hard on the kids especially.

He has explained a bit of it to his sister, but I am sure that he has not told his kids, even the adults, what causes his outbursts and pushing away. And even his sister has no idea the depth of it (she has her own issues from their childhood, as well).

While I realize it's not my responsibility in any way, shape, or form, to tell them, now, at what seems to be at the end of our relationship, would it be...inappropriate to let his family, who would be supportive if they knew, in on this? "This" meaning his downward spiral of PTSD. He needs support from somewhere, and if it's not me, I would like to know someone is looking out for him still.

His sister has already said she doesn't want to get in the middle, but wants to keep in contact with me after (this is a pattern in his family - his last wife is still considered a member of the family as well). She (the sister) said she will continue to gently encourage him to get help because she loves him (and I think she tried to warn me, in her own way, away from getting married to him because it would only hurt me in the end). I have to talk to the ex-wife because I take care of all the finances in our relationship, including when she needs money for their son, and let her know just not to contact me about it anymore. She and I are...if not friends, friendly, and I have a feeling we'll become better friends in the end.

And, really, I don't want their son to be hurt more than he already has been. As he's grown, he went from "I don't want to get close to her" to "She's my other mom and I love her." When he came to visit last summer, he could see something was wrong, and told dad "Don't f*ck this up."

I am as close as someone can be to his kids, coming from the life they've led as well (the two oldest were abandoned by their mother, taken from their father by some of the people that abused him. The youngest hardly saw his dad except when dad felt like it, until I was in the picture and told him his kids have to be a priority). I love them as well, and I know they will keep in contact with me.

Right now, he will probably see it as a HUGE betrayal if I talk to his kids and/or sister, because right now, it's ALL a betrayal.

I just don't know what to do here.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't know if this helps, but this sounds like a no win situation, no choice is a good one, I have found sometimes with no-win, is to be direct, confront what its, and hope for the best outcome. In your case it would seem that would be to let "EVERYONE" know how you feel as that puts some it on their shoulders. No one can feel betrayed with your feelings are out in the open. Situations where some know and others are kept in the dark often backfire, just like families that keep secrets often end up with destructive outcomes.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Very difficult position for you to be in grimalkin. As recoveringfromptsd states, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I see why you want to inform his family, it'd also help them get some closure on why you're suddenly being torn from their lives too and allow them to actively help in his recovery, but you're right, he could easily see it as a betrayal. I massively struggle because when I discuss my relationship issues I can't say my partner/ex-partner has PTSD, I just have to say "issues" or a "condition", it completely destroys the context of whats going on, but I can't really tell people what's wrong.

It may though help if people see why he is the way he is, it doesn't excuse his behaviour but it may help them see they're not the problem, it's not their fault they keep being pushed out of his life.

It's a very hard decision for you to make though. I really feel for you.