Family Is Your Trigger

[tabbjuan]

For those who decided to get away from family, how did you feel at first? How is your quality of life? Any more triggers? How did this affect your job, school, or love life?

 

[Anna]

You need to be away from them to heal. I know how you feel. I have my own family now and am happy. I forgave my parents, but they set me off sometimes. If I had got away from them sooner I would have healed faster instead of years of self abuse. You are doing the right thing to keep away from them. Stay with people who support you and can help you heal.

 

[freakofnurture]

For those who decided to get away from family, how did you feel at first?

Very good. Free. Relieved. Happy. Like I let go of a heavy burden.

How is your quality of life?

My quality of life has improved insofar that I don't have any more obligatory f*mily visits dangling over me like the sword of Damocles. I don't have to feel guilty any more for making up excuses. I don't have to act like everything's alright anymore. I don't have to deal with my p*rents denial, rationalisations and excuses anymore. I can focus 1.000% on myself and my healing.

Actually, I feel happy whenever I think about the fact that I don't have to talk to any of them ever again if I don't want to.

Any more triggers?

The idea of f*mily and "happy f*mily" imagery still cause a lot of irrational defensive emotions and behaviours in me, as do thoughts about my p*rents specifically, but they have a different quality now.

How did this affect your job, school, or love life?

It didn't, really. There was a bit of talk between my husband and myself about if it would be wise for him to go visit my p*rents, but there wasn't any conflict.

The only negative consequences were: 1. that I fell into the trap of explaining my reasons over and over to my various grandparents, 2. that a friend of my p*rents thought it would be a good idea to write me insulting emails to get me to 'forgive' my p*rents and 3. that my step-granddad doesn't talk to me anymore.

Still, more than worth it!

 

[Sterre]

I feel freed and relieved after breaking off contact with my family.

It was a well tought of break up, I considered it well, it wasnt an impulse, and I didnt do it out of a bout of anger or sadness.
The break up was well choosen and carefully thought of. That can make a difference in how you will feel after breaking off contact.

I dont have to deny my feelings anymore. I dont have to walk on eggshels and hold myself in. I dont have to feel like I am consenting in past abuse anymore.
It feels empowering towards myself.

In the past I used to get cought up in explaining why I choose to not be in contact with my mother or sisters, and people just cant understand. Now I have decided to not explain anymore, and to accept that most people just cant understand or relate, and that is actually good for them.

Most people use to come with the prhase: But it is still your mother! Blood is thicker than water, and the blahblahblagh, that goes along with non abusive familys.
I prefer tolook at it, from a different kind of angle: We are just strangers that grew up togher and my mother is my birthgiver, nothing more nothing less.

My family was never a "family"to begin with. It will never be a "family". It never was a "family".

I dont miss them. What I use to miss was the fantasy about a family, but not my actual family.

I am free now, free of all the drama, free of the anger and hurt they cause by minimizing and denying what happend.

I value my integrity, and my integrity can only stay intact if I choose not to be in contact with my biological family.
It feel good, it feels free.

 

[Abrasky]

I dont' see my family as a family. Sexual abuse, abandonment, emotional blackmail, emotional torturing and control, a parent lying to have a child punished IS NOT a family. A sister who emotionally blackmailed me at I time I was at uni, and has treated me terribly ever since, unless I behave all browbeaten and cease to exist so her family wouldn't have broken up.

So then if I didn't have a family I couldnt' really break contact with them could I:D.

I like to have a positive view of a family, and then I provide that for myself through positive friends and a support network.

The longer time I spend away from them, with councelling to repair the damage the healthier I get. If I had a graph, the smiling would be on an incline from the point of exiting from family contact to now. You should see the constantly improving happiness curve!

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I really empathise with all of you- your family situations and the desire to remove this from your life.

I made the rational decision to cut off ties to family. I don't speak to my parents. My siblings and I rarely speak but when forced to, I am civil but short. Basically, I don't have anything to do with anyone who I deem as being emotionally damaging.

I rationally decided that the only thing I needed to do was to get well, cope better and learn some new skills to help me survive with this illness. I did not believe that could be achieved by continuing to 'try' to have relationships with unsavoury family members.

I was questioned a lot when I cut off communication - hubby, therapists and the guilt cycles of my family all questioning my decision....and the attempts to start communictaing with me have been cyclical. I refused every time.

So, here is my truth....if I had not cut them off, the unhealthy situation would have continued and it would have perpetuated my illness and slowed my ability to learn to cope. The decision has served me well so far. I have been the healthiest these past 8 months, and I have decided, even though I am well, I still will not have contact with them. For me this part of my life is in the past and over.

I have replaced my family with my friends. They are my family now (along with hubby) and I choose them. I even have friends that I have asked to be honorary grandparents for my (unborn) children, because they have impacted my life in a positive way. So my children won't loose out. They will have grandparents, uncles and aunts that hubby and I choose to have in our life because they have a positive impact on us - none are blood relations.

I can't say that what I did would be the right thing for everyone, but in order to be in control of this illness you need to be in control. For me that meant telling myself 'this is my life, it is my responsibility to get better and my choice to do whatever is best for me to get and stay well - I am in control and I make the choices, no one else'.

You need to make a rational decision about what is best for you and accept that is who THEY are and they will probably never change. There is no fairy tail family for people like us, we need to create a good family environment for our own family and focus on bringing something positive to our partners, children and those we choose in our lives.

Try not to let anyone make you feel guilty for your choices. You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone, this is your life not theirs - you're in control and it is your decision.

Healing is the most important thing. PS xxoo

 

[tabbjuan]

Thank you :) Thank all of you for your answers. I'm ready to feel whole again, or was I ever a whole person. I cannot remember.

Sterre, wow, you took the words right out of my mouth...ditto about living with strangers. I have to be honest, we were never a family.

I had an EMDR session a few weeks ago, and I never felt the same again. I EMDR'd probably my first PTSD
experience. I was maybe 9 or 10 when I was tramatized, but I think it was earlier. It opened a pandoras box.
That's why I am angry, and I have the right to be. I see everyone in my family differently now. My childhood was taken away by my selfish parents,and my molesters. I see them for who they really are. No more walking on eggshells, and I refuse to explain why I broke off communication with my family. This blood is thicker than water is b***s**t.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

When people use the 'blood (family) thicker than water (friends)' phase with me, which my parents like to do, I calmly point out the following:

- Water is wider than blood

- 70% of the earth's surface is made up of water and it is scientifically proven to be vital for all forms of life

- 92% of blood fluid is made up of water

- the body contains 5 litres of blood and 40 litres of water (8 x more water)

- the more water like clarity a diamond has, the higher its quality and value (known as 'first water')

- 'Aqua Vitae' is Latin for 'Water of Life'

- In the bible the 'Fountain of Life' comes from the phrase 'Fountain of Living Waters' which is defined as the source of life and purity and thus baptisms take place in water, not blood

Therefore, the phase 'blood thicker than water' does not make scientific or philosophical sense....

- having 'thick blood' could be a sign of a clotting problem which can cause ongoing infections that can be deadly or it could be a sign of arterial pressure which increases the risk of heart attacks.

That fact makes the phrase far more logical....

That usually shuts them up :D:D;) xxxooo PS

 

[maddog]

Oh, wow, that made me laugh out loud, it really did. I like it a lot!

Now all I have to do is come up with an equivalent scientific and/or philosophical response to the statement I seem to hear all too often about "family being the most precious thing in the world".

Any thoughts? Creative talents? If I could arm myself with something as witty and indisputable as this, I could go around shooting ignorant statements out of the sky like ducksin duck season.

Maddog

 

[tabbjuan]

It is just me and my son. We are family. Me having PTSD made things very hard. Before discovering I have
ptsd, I thought I was losing my mind. Since coming to this site, I have learned a whole lot about PTSD, and I don't feel alone. I'm trying to beat this PTSD, and I will. I'm healing, but my family is the same. As long as my mom, dad, sister, and brother not go to therapy, there's no hope for this family. I have to move on.

 

[freakofnurture]

"family being the most precious thing in the world".

I don't have good comeback for this one, but for that one:

"You can never fall deeper than into the hands of your family." - "Yeah, it's waiting right doooown there in hell."

 

[maddog]

EWWWWW!! I actually haven't heard this one before, it creeps me out to be honest, and yours is a good response.

God, did I mention how yukky I find that image to be!!

Maddog