Family Member C-ptsd

[Zolod]

A very close family member is experiencing a very severe case of C-PTSD. Their C-PTSD has gotten especially bad the last few years to the point they are suicidal. I am not sure how to approach the situation seeing as I am young and still in school. I also feel I am a trigger to them as I was diagnosed with major depression and our depressive episodes seem to influence and bounce off each other. Their significant other, although loving, has been invalidating and seems to be in strong denial of their illness. This family seems to trigger each other constantly as I believe we are all mentally ill.

I am desperately searching for a solution. I am looking up why this illness happens, how to make a safe place, and how I can be the best supporter I can be. Unfortunately, I feel our relationship is suffering seeing these last few years I have not been as supportive as I could have been due to my illness, age, fear, and ignorance. How else can I help? How can I build trust within all our relationships again? Does anyone have advice for living with someone with Complex PTSD? As for those who are living with this illness, what helps make you feel safe? How should I approach triggers that seem to be unavoidable to them? I feel so overwhelmed. Please help.

 

[Ewu]

You can't fix them... That's the first thing to learn. You can't help with triggers.

The best advice I can give you is to just be an ear. Listen to your sufferer and ask them what they need.

 

[Mitum]

First, it does not sound like your role here is to be "supporter" since you are young/student (child?) and not the significant other...nevermind the significant other perhaps being useless. This might all be badly enmeshed too. I wouldn't know for sure, but in that case you'd be better off being careful to not feel overly responsible for how everyone else is feeling. In any case, you have your own issues. My family was all ill too, most of us had our own traumas, and we were almost toxic to each other. How I stopped "triggering" one of my parents was to freeze and feel myself as non-existent. Do I recommend that? No. For me it was automatic. Then I went through phases of trying to make the sick or angry people happy or make them laugh. It was really so I could tolerate the environment more. It's not like I, the kid, could rescue or really even support them. They needed their own help.

For a while one parent did rely on me for emotional support, more than anyone else, and I couldn't handle feeling like this parent was suicidal. I didn't know what to do. I was distracted all the time. That was probably what was an enmeshed or backwards situation. I should not have been the emotional support to this parent. I was destroying myself too and nobody helped me.

That all being said, it's very natural to care and want to help. Maybe you could just offer going for a walk, or an idea of something you both like...a movie, a concert, a short trip, just watching a movie at home, taking a class together... any small idea to just spend positive time together, to help your relationship and perhaps help both of you as individuals...but not you having to directly support the CPTSD, if that makes sense. You could try one of those painting events, or something creative or different. The structure of a low-pressure event might be helpful. But if trying something new is not within reason right now, even just suggesting a movie or a walk, or cooking something together. ? I'd consider something more like this approach...just things you can do together that feel positive, and maybe also helpful, but are focused on the relationship and both of you feeling a little better.

 

[Jege]

"Mitum" again. Also, do you have your own support? Therapist or counselor? That would be hugely important, even if it means just starting with a counselor at your school...for your own illness, but also discussing the challenges and fears of having a relative that is suicidal. A professional might also have some ideas about how you might respond, like when or if you should call 911, etc. But if you are a child (even if an older child) you cannot be responsible for making this person feel safe. They need professional help.

 

[Diwir]

@Zolod, your thread has generated good responses. As the youngest child, of a mother with CPSD, I can say that following the advice given, in the above responses, will allow you the freedom and mental health that is necessary to build your own life. Otherwise, if you try to help or cure her, there is no way to do that; you get caught in the cycle you described, and her irregular moods thenbecome your center of existence instead of your moods becoming the center of your existence-much mor manageable.

 

[Sinohok]

Cont from above post;

• Your concerns and thoughtfulness are very compassionate.
• For me, as a child of someone with PTSD, I felt sad that I couldn't heal my mother; yet, it was so helpful to understand I couldn't heal her.
• Knowing that, I was able to do what others in this thread recommended: I got my own therapist-where I worked on my issues about her, I didn't step in to take the caregiver's role, and I lived my life.
• Instead of taking care of her, I let her know I cared, by showing up once a month to do something with her.
• It is tough, to let it be, instead of rescue.