Family Neglect? – Would Appreciate Some Insights / Different Perspectives.

[ghotiff]

Thanks for reading...

I was sexually abused multiple times from a man at age 7. He went to jail and my mother was part of that process….but from my limited memory, I was not the only child and many people in the street knew…my point being is that she may not have had a ‘choice’ in helping put him in jail.

I was then sexually abused by a new man at an after school class (lets call it gymnastics) that I attended from age 5-15. Now, I have limited memories, but connecting these memories with diaries from this era shows that it definitely happened multiple times when I was 10yrs old (but could have been happening for years). My parents found out when I was 10, (another girl was having similar problems, but I don’t know if it was to the same extent). I have diary entries from 10 yrs old where I describe how much I loved him, then it flips to people finding out and my entries change to how much I hate him (but the tone is different, and doesn’t feel like my own). When my parents found out, the conclusion was for me to just stick close to the other girl and I would be ‘safe’. Well…I was physically safe for the next 5 years (while I still attended gymnastics) …but I was not emotionally safe and I lived in fear for those 5 years and I think that is where a lot of my issues stem from. I reached out to other adults and children multiple times during these years, but never got any help.

So, here is my question to the group. Firstly, I feel guilty and stupid for attending those classes for so many years. I don’t understand why I didn’t stop going, refuse to go etc. I really don’t understand this and I believe that understanding the ‘why’ will be a turning point in forgiveness to my inner child. If anyone has gone through this and understands, I would love to hear your insights.

Secondly, what I also don’t understand is my family and their response. It was never discussed after that one time when they found out. I was just sent there 3 times a week for my lessons. So my question, is, I know that what my family did was wrong and it greatly damaged me, but my question is - was reasonable to have wanted more from them? I don’t get their decision.

I should clarify some details. I think it was explained to as he ‘tried to kiss us’. Maybe they interpreted that as he tried to peck us on the cheek, not that he did kiss me and pinned me down on the floor etc…no need for details, my point is it wasn’t an attempted peck on the cheek (which maybe is what they thought?). At that age, I was not able to explain more….and no-one ever asked in a way that I could say more (I think I had the freeze, inability to speak problem from a very early age – probably due to the first man. If I had access to explain via dolls this would have changed the explanation greatly for me).

This is such fantastic supportive forum and I would really value some different perspectives on the above, because I just seem to be stuck in a loop on this. Oh, by the way I’m 40ish so this is from a long time ago.

 

[Mayday]

Absolutely reasonable to expect more from them. Even if they did think it was "just" an attempted kiss on the cheek, they were well aware of your previous abuse and should have made every effort to talk to you and find out if you felt safe or not. Disgraceful to just leave you to sort it out yourself when you were just a child.

They sound like my parents were/are...in complete denial and prob always will be.

But yes. You deserved more care and protection from them than you got.

 

[ghotiff]

Thank you so much for your view @Mayday.

Its difficult for me because apart from this my parents did give me a lot (good education etc). I think that my mother in particular struggled with the first guy and the second guy sent her over the edge (but its hard to know this for sure without clear memories of the time). I think you hit the nail on the head with 'denial', and I will think on this more. I feel like throughout that whole period (and still today) I have to pretend that life is all fine and dandy and I'm not allowed to ever discuss it. A particular instance comes to mind when one of my siblings criticised her parenting and we were expected (and did) shut him out for probably a decade or more, even now communicating with this sibling is frowned upon and we don't really speak.

If anyone has further comments (agrees or disagrees), I would welcome the feedback.

 

[Rizen]

You're right. The man committed a crime, which sounds like child molestation, and you should not have been placed back in an unsafe environment.

 

[ghotiff]

If someone is listening, please help me, please comment. I just had an amazingly scary realisation (and while very scary I thank this forum for allowing me to think about things in such a supportive environment).

It didn't stop at 10. I was thinking about my post and the replies and thinking that it feels like it didn't stop, and I was remembering conversation about it with people I didn't know at 10...but this wasn't really clear, so I couldn't be sure and then I remembered....One of my very clear memories of the event included what I was wearing, the clothes were a school uniform that I did not have until much older than 10, there is no denying this fact. I don't know what to do with this realisation.

Did I lie to myself...what does this mean. If I tell my new therapist that I only just 'knew' this, will she think that all of this is a fake. I always fear not being believed.

Also, I feel the need to state that I know my childhood was no-where-near what some of you have faced, but I appreciate that you take the time to support me anyway.

 

[scout86]

I don't know anything about what your family was like, so maybe this question won't make sense. COULD you have quit going to those classes, if you had wanted to? When you consider that you family apparently chose to deal with this by not dealing with it, part of that, maybe, was them not yanking you out of the classes. But, did you, at the age of 10-15 have the power to refuse to go, without causing a major family blow up? (I'm guessing you didn't.) You could have pitched a royal fit, and, maybe, they would have let you stop going (maybe not too), but is it at all reasonable to expect that from a 10 YO? You didn't even have the ability to explain what happened. (And there's no reason to expect that you WOULD have.) Do you really think you could have explained that you wanted to quit gymnastics, and made a convincing case for it? In fact, if you enjoyed the class, you probably had legitimately mixed feelings about quitting too. Do you know any 10 YO's? What would you expect from a 10 YO you know? Would you expect them to be able to sit down with parents who have chosen to deal with something by burying their heads in the sand, and convince them to do otherwise? Not a very fair thing to ask of a 10 YO, is it?

My therapist tells me that I can ask HIM "why?" if I want to, but he'd prefer it if I didn't ask myself. A lot of the time, if there's actually an answer to that question, it's unknowable anyway. In this case, it's probably somewhat unknowable. A lot of the time, fighting to know "why" ends up just being another way to beat yourself up, Healing isn't really about the past anyway, it's about the present and the future.

I know what you mean about forgiving that "inner child" (or not). What helped me, more than anything, was to take a good hard look at kids that age and what they're like. To imagine being able to talk to the little kid that I was helped, while keeping in mind that I was a regular little kid, no super powers. Those "children", yours, mine, everyone's, did the best they knew how to do. Period, end of discussion. It was what it was, and it was all they could do. They didn't have magical super powers that allowed them to overcome circumstances and their own lack of resources. They were kids. If a kid came to you now, with the same story, what would you say?

The same is true for your family. They let you down, no doubt about it. I have no idea why. The real answer to that lies with them and they may not understand it themselves. What ever they did, or didn't do, it was all they could come up with at the time, even if it wasn't what you deserved or what they ideally should have done. We don't GET "ideal parents", unfortunately, we get real ones and some to them are sadly lacking, for reasons of their own, which are also not our fault.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to have wanted more. You deserved more, why shouldn't you have wanted it? (Oops! I went and asked "why?" I do that ALL the time! LOL)

 

[scout86]

If you look around on here, you'll find lots of people start to remember things they'd forgotten during therapy. Probably because your brain decided, to start out with, that you couldn't handle the memories and it was better to forget them. You may start to remember stuff as your brain decides it's "safe". If your therapist is any good, they aren't going to think you're making it up.

Hey, I also get the temptation to get into a "my childhood was worse than yours" or "not bad enough" contest. Probably NOT useful! My childhood wasn't nearly as bad as many of the stories here either. (My therapist has mentioned something called "minimizing" has yours?" The thing is, what ever your childhood was or wasn't, it was enough to cause you to have "symptoms" that exist now and cause problems in your life. THAT is what's really important, and doing something NOW is all we can really do.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much @scout86

In fact, if you enjoyed the class, you probably had legitimately mixed feelings about quitting too.

Thats a really interesting point. In fact I loved 'gymnastics', in fact the reason I left that class at 15 was because I also left school and went to a full time 'gymnastics' school, it was going to be my career. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Thanks.

My therapist tells me that I can ask HIM "why?" if I want to, but he'd prefer it if I didn't ask myself. A lot of the time, if there's actually an answer to that question, it's unknowable anyway. In this case, it's probably somewhat unknowable. A lot of the time, fighting to know "why" ends up just being another way to beat yourself up,

I think there is a lot of truth here that I hadn't considered. I have always tried to move past this by trying to intellectually understand what happened etc. Maybe its time to try to let that approach go.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @scout86

I am currently between therapists. My first one was a bit of disaster, and I'm waiting for my first appointment with my new one. I'm petrified of the new one because I don't know her yet. But I will remind myself that if she's any good she will understand.

 

[scout86]

Good luck! I really like my therapist, and I wouldn't want to have to start over. Since your first try didn't go well, you're to be commended for having the courage to try again!

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much for your support @scout86 I was starting to freak out a bit, but your wisdom has helped. Thanks again.

 

[Powder]

First, I want to say that the way you handled the abuse at the after-school class is normal. Children are confused by such adult behaviors for several reasons. children do not have the critical thinking skills you are now using to evaluate the memories. This is a challenge that many of us share. Adverse Child Experiences are difficult to think about as adults because we have hindsight and wonder why we didn't do more to save ourselves. Such thinking increases our anxieties and worsens our PTSD. It is important to realize that children do not problem-solve or think like adults and, therefore, are not free to select from alternatives in the same way we can now.

So you did nothing wrong. You acted as any child would act. Children think more passively, and if I try to put such a position into words they might sort of look like this:

• If this is a trusted adult deemed by society to be fit to work with children, then it must not be wrong.
• If it is wrong, then why hasn't someone fixed this for me? There must be something wrong going on, which may be my fault.
• Maybe I'm missing something here.
• Maybe this will stop on its own.
• Maybe someone will rescue me.
• I don't have a choice.
• Problems will solve themselves.
• Maybe if I don't think about it, it won't happen again.
• Nobody has to know, so it's like it didn't happen.
• I can forget about this.

I don't want to overstate my case, but having gone through similar stuff, I also went through the "freaking out" moments, and still do sometimes, due to the vast difference in consciousness of a child and an adult.

Remember, as an adult, You and I now take on responsiblity for self more automatically than we did then. Back then, we were dependent on the mother for protection. Now, we look to her for her failures because we were hurt. We also blame ourselves. But neither the mother nor the child is ever going to be as adept as a grown adult at self-protection.

That is the real lesson. It is from the position of safety and strength that we have a hard time accepting how truly vulnerable we were as a child.

This is why I feel it is our job to heal but also to help change our culture to put more rules into place in order to protect the most vulnerable--children. Parents cannot do the job alone. They don't do a good job, not because they are faulty but because society needs to regulate adults who come into contact with children more assertively.

Look at all the cases of cover ups with the American Boy Scouts, the Church, and so on. Our political leaders are not working on making the world safe for children because voters are not demanding it.