Family Not Helpful - Am I Being Too Needy?

[screen-name]

I have been having trouble for close to a year now. It started slowly and I asked my family for help. I felt like I just needed simple things, like their presence. I did ask for help with house work at times because it just became an overload and felt like someone helping me organize would get me back on track. My "filing system" is currently a pile of papers I'm trying not to lose.

I also told them that I was tired, I felt worn down, and I wasn't sure how long I could keep up the pace. I had a REALLY tough year. A couple of weeks ago my counselor told me to tell everyone to not ask me for things or help until August. I just need to rest.

They have been doing pretty good at this. However, I have been trying to think of proper boundaries for them because they have opinions on my treatment but me and my counselor have a plan.

I guess my real issue tonight is that they never really have much participation in my life. They expect me to come to help the family and do for them but none of them came for the whole time I was asking for help. Now that I am having much worse problems, they aren't even calling to talk. They never really call though.

My mother has been at my older brother's house helping him renovate an RV all summer. Today I asked her to go for a walk with me because I was super anxious and just wanted to get out of the house. She wouldn't even do that because she couldn't stop the work she was doing for him. My dad still expects me to get my son over to handle all of his yard work but doesn't want to pick him up or bring him back. I can't handle helping them without any help in return right now. - to name a couple things that have been annoying me.

Tonight I was telling my boyfriend how hurtful this has been. I mean, I know they have their own kids and stuff but it doesn't take much time to call or go for a walk. He said that I need to tell them how I'm feeling and if that doesn't work that I need to back way off until I can process it all out better. He said I have felt like I don't have support from them for as long as he has know me (6 years).

I cried for a long time because my dad asked several times for my son to come mow today. When I had time to bring him my dad said he couldn't come today if he had to leave to bring him home. It's all good if he's tired but his yard, not mine. I have my own yard work to do and my dad has two sons and another daughter that could help out some too.

I just don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if my whole family is just self centered. (This got longer than I expected)

 

[LanaD]

I'm sorry to hear that. Your family is like mine, and in my case I live far away from mine, which works better for me. I'm not sure we can convince others, even our families, of our needs, though. I hope someone else will come along with better advice, but I wonder if we just need to remove ourselves from our families and try to get help through friends and, in your case, a boyfriend who seems to care about you.

Sorry if this is harsh, I'm just basing this answer on my own experience. It's still hard not to have my family's support but at least now I don't expect it anyway so I'm not let down (over and over and over again).

 

[EveHarrington]

No you are not being too needy.

Maybe it would be good to start mourning the loss of the parents that you never had but very much deserved.

Are your kids getting paid to mow their lawn?

I don't believe in the notion of having kids so they can do free work. Hear me out-------chores are one thing. (Chores at home.) Helping grandparents SOME is also a good thing. But it gets to a point where it's expected free labor----No, just no.

I had a grandfather who did just this. It angered my dad SO much that his kids were being used as expected (!) free labor. We weren't appreciated as grandkids, just used for labor purposes.

Something tells me your parents are doing the same. -------given that they can't support you, I'm not getting a warm fuzzy picture of them being close with their grandkids.

Tell your dad to hire a mowing service. Your kids aren't for sale.

If they cannot afford one, it's time for them to move to a place they can afford the upkeep on.

 

[screen-name]

To put your mind at ease, my son is getting paid. My dad is supportive with money when it's needed and pays the grand kids.

I am going to have to back up from them some and see if we can't renegotiate the relationships. Also, mourning my parents might be helpful.

The other piece to this - I feel like I am helped less than other family members. My sister went through a divorce a few years ago and drank WAY to much for a couple of months. My mother and step mom went to her house and cleaned it while she sat around drunk. As I mentioned, my mom is helping my brother with an RV. It's just weird to me that they aren't coming around here to help me out. My brother's RV is not something he needs to live.

I don't have resentment for my siblings. If I really ask, they are more helpful than my parents and my sister is better than the rest.

I spent a lot of my childhood taking care of things. My mother is not stable and we were home schooled. So, many days I would have to get me and my sister through school and make sure that me, my sister, and our younger brother were taken care of. Some times my mom would just leave all day and other times she was asleep. My dad was at work and said he assumed she was home doing what she needed to because she was always home and/or awake when he got there. My older brother is much older so he wasn't there much.

My childhood didn't yield all bad things though. I knew what NOT to do as a mom and I have a great relationship with my kids. Even with my issues, I know how not to transfer them to my children and expect them to pick up slack that isn't their responsibility. I also had an easier time learning to manage my own household when I moved out, because I had already done a lot of it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not saying this to be mean, but parents do sometimes have preference for one child over another.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think you have things ass backwards here.... Seriously!!!! I think your family is too needy, and they need a reality check. Yes, @EveHarrington could be right. Parents do have favorites and it might be true in your family.

I think backing off may be a gat idea. That means that you need to stop being available for them too.... Hard to do, but it can be done. Relationships are a two way street, with give and take....

 

[screen-name]

Thank you. I think I'm just off on what is okay for me to ask for. I will have to figure that out as I go I guess.

I have this written down so I can talk with my therapist on it tonight. My boyfriend is leaving work a little early today to sit with my kids so I don't have to take them to my dad's while I'm at the appointment. I think seeing my family right after this session may end in an argument if I am agitated. I would rather be in control of the conversation if we even have one at all.

 

[OneToughCookie]

I can relate; I was parentified too. My parents supported my sister financially after she lost her minimum-wage job because she drank too much. It really sucks being a parent to so many people that can't reciprocate and don't meet any of your needs. It sucks doing everything on your own without any support. Financial support is great, but it's not enough. I hope you're able to teach your boyfriend how to meet your emotional needs. I hope he's not as needy, dependent, and immature as your parents were and is every bit as empathetic as you. @EveHarrington is right. They're the ones who are too needy. You shouldn't have had to meet everyone else's needs and you deserve unconditionally loving, caring, supportive parents. I'm really sorry you didn't get them. :(

 

[screen-name]

Sorry for my slow response but than you to everyone. I was overwhelmed this week and had to break from discussions to keep everything under control.

I really appreciate all of the help here. I am working on things with my family.