Family Scapegoat Still At 39

[Deleted member 38242]

I cussed in another room while visiting family. My niece texted her Mom and said I was being crazy.
My sister hardly talks to me, but sapposedly wants me to be around her kids. They do love me.
I get my mom who's house we were at asking me if I was yelling and fighting with the kids. What fight with an 11 year old, and 8 year old are you kidding.
My sister was the golden child and I was the scape goat. She is still narssisitic when it comes to me.
I can't have kids I was the baby and Cinderella cleaning for my family and wearing hand me downs from my mom most of my childhood, and sister who is 7 years older than me, so I was always bullied and out of style.
I had to leave anyway but ended up sobbing. I was misdiagnosed for years and treate like shot drooling on pain pills, or just the past 6 years of my life tryin to get help for PTSD.
It is so cruel to be toetured outside of the home. Sick fils ruined my family life and tormented me. I'm alone and never want to leave the ghetto as they understand being g held down and shit. My family all made it out of poverty, but didn't change the cycle of abuse, secrets, and blame.
Maybe it's best I get over it now. When my parents die I'm going to be alone. And I fight suicide and depression die to torture that was so f*cking cruel.
I'm just in pain and needed to get it out. Anyway being alone forever is all I've ever had.
It just hurts. I don't even know if this makes scence, but I don't fit in and never did and never will. I can't have kids and it's just been very unfair to live through this. It is a pain that never ends.

 

[Gamera3000]

You know, I'm not religious, but it's strange that I happened to see your post while struggling with my own similar problems. Almost like I needed to see your post. While I'm responding to you, I feel like I'm also speaking to myself.

Your family are d*cks. You clearly know that. They're training the young ones to be d*cks as well. That doesn't mean that it will take. They might grow up to be wise to it, like you did. It's not their fault that the rest of ya'll's family is, I'm sorry, but abusing them in a weird way, to be disrespectful and abusive to YOU. It doesn't do them any favors to not get to have an appropriate relationship with their aunt. They should get to look up to you and benefit from your wisdom and authority.

With the older family members...I mean what if you had just met these people? And they were like, here, I have some trash for you to wear while I pick out some normal clothes for myself. I'm going to treat this other one with consideration and then make it clear that you are unwanted? You wouldn't spend a minute around a stranger like that.

My personal opinion is that you should stay away from these people who aren't being good to you and work on accepting that bad things happened to you and it wasn't fair. If you want to keep up with the kids, that's a different, and more difficult problem. You could be that one normal person in their life, who is consistently normal and kind even when other people are not that way to you. But that's a lot to ask, and it would be completely fine if you chose to walk away.

Hey and don't worry about being alone. It sounds like you are the best person in that family. If you are left alone, maybe that's the best way to be. You're a great person, and your own company is the best sort.

Hugs from another person who WAS in that role, and totally gets it.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

You know, I'm not religious, but it's strange that I happened to see your post while struggling with...

My God thank you so much. That is the first time anyone has said yes their d*cks. Everyone who meets the just thinks their so great, but my Dad is a pro of buddy buddying up with anyone I've introduced and then ragging on me. He is far and my ex is fat, and after a life time of day jokes, and diets I got up to 128 at 5 foot 4 and they both said I was getting "fat." This is just one example. It goes on, and on. . .
Thank you. Maybe staying away is good. I can't ducking take it anymore. If I didn't have people in my life outside of them to come back to today would have been the day I make like so many and hang myself, but I had truly good people who just let me live with out criticism ( but they do let me know if I'm off base), blame, and shame.
Seriously today would have been the day. Thank God not everyone has been raised to perceive me as different and crap. I did get tortured out side of the home, but it can be traced back to the shit in it.
Thank you again. Thank you! I refuse to introduce people to them anymore.

 

[ladee]

I was the family scapegoat, guess to them I still am...thing is, I wouldn't know how any of them perceive me as I have been no contact with them for many years.....same with me... oldest sister, could do no wrong... and then there was me... the 'problem'.
I would suggest you read everything you can get a hold of, about being the scapegoat, and the family dynamics of how it comes to be... and I felt that crazy feeling when you were describing them accusing you of over the top behavior with the kids...knowing how crazy the accusation is, not a word of truth in it, but makes you feel even more crazy for trying to defend yourself...and them dismissing anything you say.... I so get that.... felt crazy reading it... been there so many times myself.....

It's up to you to get out of that situation... if you still get to see the kids without the rest of them driving you insane... good, if not, you have to find a way to get away from it... read about being the scapegoat... for one thing it will make so much sense to you and you will realize how alone you are NOT.... I made real progress once I got away from them....

You are not alone... and I do understand... I hate it for both of us..... but we can and do get healthy without them... good luck and don't believe anything they say, they are only covering their own asses...

 

[Gamera3000]

Everyone who meets the just thinks their so great, but my Dad is a pro of buddy buddying up with anyone I've introduced and then ragging on me. He is far and my ex is fat, and after a life time of day jokes, and diets I got up to 128 at 5 foot 4 and they both said I was getting "fat."

Seriously, it's like we're talking about the same exact people. I naturally have those hardy har car salesman/church leader type of social skills, but I don't appear to use them. I can see when other people are BSing- like turning the charm on and off. It makes me sick. Literally sick. I've had to accept as I have gotten older that most people cannot pick up on that level of fakeness. It's like a wolf in sheep's clothing, where the disguise is really, really good. I guess I use my skills just to observe and stay away from people I don't like. I don't expect other people to believe me when I pick up on a person being bad. It could be a pretty young girl, or a nice old man, but I can tell that they're bad by the subtle cues I see.

You make a lot of suicidal references. My brother killed himself when he was in his late twenties. He didn't talk about it very much. But both of us had those feelings growing up. In hindsight, I think rotten, manipulative people put those thoughts into you to keep you in line. If you can't toe the line, you're out of here, you know? Be one of us, or fall on your sword. It's powerful, and people who didn't grow up like that can't understand it. If you think about it, it's dangerous for bad people to have someone in their family who isn't one of them. They kind of have to "break" you for their own preservation.

It sounds to me like you're having completely normal feelings and your observational skills are spot on. I would just say that you can't expect most people to understand or to believe you. That is something people like us just have to accept. You are a warrior who is crawling out of a big pile of nastiness and you're lucky to be alive. I like Ladee's suggestion of reading up on scapegoats. That's a good idea. I would also say to read up on cognitive dissonance theory: Cognitive dissonance - Wikipedia

Cognitive dissonance is when you have two conflicting beliefs and it causes a very negative feeling called dissonance, which human beings cannot sustain. You then use something called self justification to eradicate one of the beliefs, thereby reducing the dissonance. For example, "My family are good people" conflicts with "my family treats me like garbage". In order to make this make sense, you may have told yourself "I AM garbage" in order to continue believing that your family are good people. As you have become an adult, you may be discovering that you are not, in fact, garbage, which is making the dissonance come back. The only ways to solve it (theoretically) is to spiral out of control and prove to yourself that you're a terrible person (a bad idea) or to move in the other direction and try out the idea that your family are NOT good people. This latter makes the rest logically fall into place. Does that make sense?

 

[Kate Van Sant]

I cussed in another room while visiting family. My niece texted her Mom and said I was being crazy....

Joanna--You need to dump your family (I know that may be unthinkable but you'll never get better if you don't). Get a cat or dog that gives you unconditional love. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Whatever you have to do to put distance between yourself and these ignorant and abusive clods, you must do it, or you'll always feel terrible about yourself. Find a book club. Volunteer in a hospital or library or school. Reach out to people who share your interests. Your are not going to change your family. And with the genetic disposition of these disorders, they're probably not wrapped to tightly either. They are cruel people and you deserve to go out and find your only family.
Just my two cents.