Justmehere
Sponsor
This is very very long. I think I really just need to post this private hell im in somewhere. For anyone who actually reads this, thank you so much. I could use any input or feedback. Any options other than just dump my toxic family. That is the current plan but I want to know if there is any other way.
My mother went in a trip with my father recently. She sent me emails about the trip. Ones my father had written. She took his name out and then sent them to me.
My father refuses to acknowledge I exist and my mother has done all she could to tell all family members to not be around me because it upsets him.
He was an abuser as a child and when I was 16 I became the loud mouth scapegoat that tried to tell everyone after he attempted to murder me in a rage.
No one listened until years later where they validated all the abuse and said they thought my uncle, a pediatrician, was helping us. He wasn't. It was a middle class / upper class community and data shows that the more wealthy the community the less likely child abuse gets reported. I was told to make my father happy but never what would make him happy (and of course there was nothing.)
I moved in with a friends of my family at 16 and moved away at 18. I was 20, when my relationship with my father seemed to be ok, my father told me out of the blue that he had been thinking about things and "I can't get over what you did when you were 16. I have decided, you are not my daughter anymore. You don't exist."
For 11 years I did not exist and I was banned from all family functions.
Then my brother got married and he invited me and my father there. It went fine. Awkward, but my father, mother, brother and my sister in law all said it was so great to have me around. I spent two thanksgivings and 2 christmases with them at my parents house, my mother had kept my room just like it was when I was 16. It was like I died or was kid napped and she was waiting for my return.
The second Christmas was good. It was 2012. I had a service dog in training and my father loved my dog so much. We connected over the dog and nothing else.
On Christmas Day I was playing with my leashed puppy in the living room. It was the best day I had with family for 15 years. My sister in law and brother walked in with their 9 month old. Prior to them comming over they knew my puppy would be there and they have dogs of their own. I told them well in advance that my dog would always be leashed. They expressed no concerns. My sister in law walked in and started yelling at me. About my dog and how it has to be controlled. She was standing over me yelling and my hands started to shake. The yelling.
I got up and walked out with my dog. I didn't want to have a flashback and I needed to breathe. I called my sister in law and she didn't answer. I called my mother who told me to not come back unless I could be calm. I asked, "what about (sister in law)?"
My mother just failed into me telling me don't you dare be upset.
I was calm on the phone with her when I called her. Her demands I not be upset just did me in. I said I was having a good day with my family why does she have the right to scream at me? Why is this all my fault?
My mother later confirmed that I was calm. She was just reminding me and "I don't care what you do I can't control anyone."
I went back and sat in a chair in the far corner of the room holding my jacketed service dog until my sister in law freaked again. I put the dog in her kennel.
I stufffed my tears and ate my Christmas dinner.
I went for a walk with my brother the next day to e plain why I walked out. I don't deserve to be screamed at. He apologized on behalf of his wife and assured me I was waned I was needed and it was a misunderstanding his wife handled badly and she wasn't ready yet to talk about it.
Everyone the next day said it was still the best christmas any of them had in years.
A year late to was going through some personal matters. Out of the blue my mother was texting me "you are the problem in my marriage."
No texts before or after. Just that, we didn't talk about it on the phone - I tried to bring it up and she refused to say anything other than I was a "threat" to her marriage with no specifics. I asked how, and she yelled "you know how."
In a moment of stupidly and in the middle of a sucidial attempt, I posted on FB in a status only viable to family members "in tired of being clearly blamed for my parents marriage without even an explaination."
I came to my senses and deleted it after 5 minutes.
No one ever expressed any concern about it and I hoped no one saw it.
6 months later I had a plane ticket to go to California to spend Christmas with family. I deceided I needed to stay home this year and be with friends. I had just been through a difficult trial in October and needed to decompress still.
I called my mother and she was fine and said I was welcome to come but that she supported my choice to canacke the plane ticket. It was a plane ticket she had paid for - that's how much I was wanted to come.
Then I called my brother. Our conversations were about once a month and I enjoyed skyline with his family.
When I picked up the phone, something in me said to record the call. (Legal in my state.) so I have a tape of the call. I told him I was going to cancel comming out and wanted to do Christmas in February or July. We talked about how his wife always gets super stressed around holidays and so does veryoje else and it would be better for me if we could have a family gathering in a month or so. He was cordial and agreeable. He said I was welcome to come.
He then told me he needed to talk to me about something. The facebooked post. He said it lead to a lot of concern about my behavior and if I'm ok to be around children. (I was a school teacher for 7 years. No one has ever said I'm unsafe around kids before. Not even any of my scapegoating family members.)
I told him that anyone who has concerned about that post is welcome to contact me. I don't engage in triangulation whenever possible.
He went on about it and about how he had to think about his daughters and that facebook post made him realize he doesn't want drama around them.
He said Mom has done such a good job holding us all together and care taking us. He admitted my father was abusive but proud that I had been rebuilding a relationship with my father. He said we could hang out in February or July for our extended family Christmas. But for now, he was going to take a break from our phone calls. He said that if I changed my mind and came for Chantal's anyhow he would be gald to hang out then too.
I didn't go to their state for chaitams. I tried to schedule the agreed upon plans for feb or July but my brother didn't respond. That was 2013. My father refused all calls too saying I needed to make my brother happy.
My mother has since then actively deleted anything about me to my father and brother. She deletes anything about them to me. If my father writes an email to all family members about a trip or something, she will forward the email to me but takeout my fathers name and photos. (I asked if she was doing this and first she said no and then she said yes and doesn't see why it would be any problem with me despite my trying to ask she not do that in the future.) She also deletes anything about them to me. She has told me if I ever go to my hometown where I grew up the cops will be called and she won't spend any time with me.
I have asked what I have done to deserve this and I never get a specific answer.
2013 I spent Christmas alone. 2014 and 2015 my mother flew out and spent the last two Christmases with me. Left her husband and my brother behind.
I told her last year I was going to go to my hometown and stay with friends and go sit in the beech and she threatened me again.
A week ago, I offered to think about meet her in a city 400 mikes away a week prior to thanksgiving.
She jumped at the chance to do that.
Somehow, that sent me over the edge. I didn't expect my response.
I keep thinking of the amazingly good time I had with my father in 2012.
I keep thinking of what my mother does to enable family members to be hurtful to me. She stands up for them day and night but I'm worthy of nothing but pain to her. I've been told by family friends that they think she insists on being around me to try to keep me from restabkishing any relationship. I have been told she does actually seem to actively encourage her adult children to have no relationship with each other. If anyone in the family is hurtful and screams at me, it is always my fault and I need to please them.
They have all been invited to percolate in family therapy when I was in treatment and they all promised and then said my mother didn't want to do it. And then my mother said she did but never got it set up so that it could happen and when I set up appointments with people near me she never came.
When my mother and I don't talk about it deal with family or holidays things are fine. Mostly.
Somehow, after her most recent act to delete my father's name, to tell me I can only text her when he's around, and to see her so happy to get everything she wants for Christmas and nothing healthy...
It pushed me over the edge. I can't even talk to her about the weather. She tells me I need to get over the past and I told her I'm not the one dragging the past up all the time. I'm upset that I'm being penalized for what I did when I was 16, more than a decade ago. You are bringing up the past. I'm talking about things you do right now today all of you, to punish me for past offenses on and on and on..,
And you give no path to reconciliation. None. I know people kicked out for being drug addicts and told they can come back when they are clean. I'm not a drug addict I'm not a criminal. The only stated offenses were walking out of a room when I was suddenly screamed at and a facebook post that frankly was striped and I have reprinted and taken full responsibility for --- and no one else has ever admitted you all screwed up too. You shouldn't be blaming me for your marriage and she shouldn't be screaming and nick has got to stop being the spokesperson for vague random we didn't like the facebook post 6 months after the fact.
I'm working on my stuff and you all are not perfect and you are acting in a manner that I feel very hurt by.
I basically have no family other than you and it's not working mom with even you. What would you do if you had no contact with any family and no one end told you any legit reason why you are permanently and actively shunned!
'
She told me she would get over it, and that I should go find my own family.
I can't stop thinking about how wonderful the time was with my father in 2012.
I can't even talk to my mother anymore. She doesn't care about me. She cares about herself being comfortable. and enabled and engaged in endless scapegoating. My therapists have all been telling me that for years but I didn't believe it. Now I do.
I still can't stop thinking about that one really great Christmas -well great until the screams at the girl with the leashed puppy - moment. I want that good time with my father back. I can't just go find a new father. According to everyone he no longer violently rages.
I told my mother about someone I know who is 65 and loves to spend time with her mother and brother gene then. "I'll never have that mom and I wanted that."
She replied, "why won't you have that?"
Mom... you don't want me in the same city as you, and you don't want me near my probther and...
She then said well "I'll probably die around 68 anyhow, my own mother died at 67." (She told me a few weeks ago of the 25 year plans and retirement plans. She'/ just saying crap.
That makes it all the worse anyhow if she will die in her 60s. All the worse. Not better.
My mother went in a trip with my father recently. She sent me emails about the trip. Ones my father had written. She took his name out and then sent them to me.
My father refuses to acknowledge I exist and my mother has done all she could to tell all family members to not be around me because it upsets him.
He was an abuser as a child and when I was 16 I became the loud mouth scapegoat that tried to tell everyone after he attempted to murder me in a rage.
No one listened until years later where they validated all the abuse and said they thought my uncle, a pediatrician, was helping us. He wasn't. It was a middle class / upper class community and data shows that the more wealthy the community the less likely child abuse gets reported. I was told to make my father happy but never what would make him happy (and of course there was nothing.)
I moved in with a friends of my family at 16 and moved away at 18. I was 20, when my relationship with my father seemed to be ok, my father told me out of the blue that he had been thinking about things and "I can't get over what you did when you were 16. I have decided, you are not my daughter anymore. You don't exist."
For 11 years I did not exist and I was banned from all family functions.
Then my brother got married and he invited me and my father there. It went fine. Awkward, but my father, mother, brother and my sister in law all said it was so great to have me around. I spent two thanksgivings and 2 christmases with them at my parents house, my mother had kept my room just like it was when I was 16. It was like I died or was kid napped and she was waiting for my return.
The second Christmas was good. It was 2012. I had a service dog in training and my father loved my dog so much. We connected over the dog and nothing else.
On Christmas Day I was playing with my leashed puppy in the living room. It was the best day I had with family for 15 years. My sister in law and brother walked in with their 9 month old. Prior to them comming over they knew my puppy would be there and they have dogs of their own. I told them well in advance that my dog would always be leashed. They expressed no concerns. My sister in law walked in and started yelling at me. About my dog and how it has to be controlled. She was standing over me yelling and my hands started to shake. The yelling.
I got up and walked out with my dog. I didn't want to have a flashback and I needed to breathe. I called my sister in law and she didn't answer. I called my mother who told me to not come back unless I could be calm. I asked, "what about (sister in law)?"
My mother just failed into me telling me don't you dare be upset.
I was calm on the phone with her when I called her. Her demands I not be upset just did me in. I said I was having a good day with my family why does she have the right to scream at me? Why is this all my fault?
My mother later confirmed that I was calm. She was just reminding me and "I don't care what you do I can't control anyone."
I went back and sat in a chair in the far corner of the room holding my jacketed service dog until my sister in law freaked again. I put the dog in her kennel.
I stufffed my tears and ate my Christmas dinner.
I went for a walk with my brother the next day to e plain why I walked out. I don't deserve to be screamed at. He apologized on behalf of his wife and assured me I was waned I was needed and it was a misunderstanding his wife handled badly and she wasn't ready yet to talk about it.
Everyone the next day said it was still the best christmas any of them had in years.
A year late to was going through some personal matters. Out of the blue my mother was texting me "you are the problem in my marriage."
No texts before or after. Just that, we didn't talk about it on the phone - I tried to bring it up and she refused to say anything other than I was a "threat" to her marriage with no specifics. I asked how, and she yelled "you know how."
In a moment of stupidly and in the middle of a sucidial attempt, I posted on FB in a status only viable to family members "in tired of being clearly blamed for my parents marriage without even an explaination."
I came to my senses and deleted it after 5 minutes.
No one ever expressed any concern about it and I hoped no one saw it.
6 months later I had a plane ticket to go to California to spend Christmas with family. I deceided I needed to stay home this year and be with friends. I had just been through a difficult trial in October and needed to decompress still.
I called my mother and she was fine and said I was welcome to come but that she supported my choice to canacke the plane ticket. It was a plane ticket she had paid for - that's how much I was wanted to come.
Then I called my brother. Our conversations were about once a month and I enjoyed skyline with his family.
When I picked up the phone, something in me said to record the call. (Legal in my state.) so I have a tape of the call. I told him I was going to cancel comming out and wanted to do Christmas in February or July. We talked about how his wife always gets super stressed around holidays and so does veryoje else and it would be better for me if we could have a family gathering in a month or so. He was cordial and agreeable. He said I was welcome to come.
He then told me he needed to talk to me about something. The facebooked post. He said it lead to a lot of concern about my behavior and if I'm ok to be around children. (I was a school teacher for 7 years. No one has ever said I'm unsafe around kids before. Not even any of my scapegoating family members.)
I told him that anyone who has concerned about that post is welcome to contact me. I don't engage in triangulation whenever possible.
He went on about it and about how he had to think about his daughters and that facebook post made him realize he doesn't want drama around them.
He said Mom has done such a good job holding us all together and care taking us. He admitted my father was abusive but proud that I had been rebuilding a relationship with my father. He said we could hang out in February or July for our extended family Christmas. But for now, he was going to take a break from our phone calls. He said that if I changed my mind and came for Chantal's anyhow he would be gald to hang out then too.
I didn't go to their state for chaitams. I tried to schedule the agreed upon plans for feb or July but my brother didn't respond. That was 2013. My father refused all calls too saying I needed to make my brother happy.
My mother has since then actively deleted anything about me to my father and brother. She deletes anything about them to me. If my father writes an email to all family members about a trip or something, she will forward the email to me but takeout my fathers name and photos. (I asked if she was doing this and first she said no and then she said yes and doesn't see why it would be any problem with me despite my trying to ask she not do that in the future.) She also deletes anything about them to me. She has told me if I ever go to my hometown where I grew up the cops will be called and she won't spend any time with me.
I have asked what I have done to deserve this and I never get a specific answer.
2013 I spent Christmas alone. 2014 and 2015 my mother flew out and spent the last two Christmases with me. Left her husband and my brother behind.
I told her last year I was going to go to my hometown and stay with friends and go sit in the beech and she threatened me again.
A week ago, I offered to think about meet her in a city 400 mikes away a week prior to thanksgiving.
She jumped at the chance to do that.
Somehow, that sent me over the edge. I didn't expect my response.
I keep thinking of the amazingly good time I had with my father in 2012.
I keep thinking of what my mother does to enable family members to be hurtful to me. She stands up for them day and night but I'm worthy of nothing but pain to her. I've been told by family friends that they think she insists on being around me to try to keep me from restabkishing any relationship. I have been told she does actually seem to actively encourage her adult children to have no relationship with each other. If anyone in the family is hurtful and screams at me, it is always my fault and I need to please them.
They have all been invited to percolate in family therapy when I was in treatment and they all promised and then said my mother didn't want to do it. And then my mother said she did but never got it set up so that it could happen and when I set up appointments with people near me she never came.
When my mother and I don't talk about it deal with family or holidays things are fine. Mostly.
Somehow, after her most recent act to delete my father's name, to tell me I can only text her when he's around, and to see her so happy to get everything she wants for Christmas and nothing healthy...
It pushed me over the edge. I can't even talk to her about the weather. She tells me I need to get over the past and I told her I'm not the one dragging the past up all the time. I'm upset that I'm being penalized for what I did when I was 16, more than a decade ago. You are bringing up the past. I'm talking about things you do right now today all of you, to punish me for past offenses on and on and on..,
And you give no path to reconciliation. None. I know people kicked out for being drug addicts and told they can come back when they are clean. I'm not a drug addict I'm not a criminal. The only stated offenses were walking out of a room when I was suddenly screamed at and a facebook post that frankly was striped and I have reprinted and taken full responsibility for --- and no one else has ever admitted you all screwed up too. You shouldn't be blaming me for your marriage and she shouldn't be screaming and nick has got to stop being the spokesperson for vague random we didn't like the facebook post 6 months after the fact.
I'm working on my stuff and you all are not perfect and you are acting in a manner that I feel very hurt by.
I basically have no family other than you and it's not working mom with even you. What would you do if you had no contact with any family and no one end told you any legit reason why you are permanently and actively shunned!
'
She told me she would get over it, and that I should go find my own family.
I can't stop thinking about how wonderful the time was with my father in 2012.
I can't even talk to my mother anymore. She doesn't care about me. She cares about herself being comfortable. and enabled and engaged in endless scapegoating. My therapists have all been telling me that for years but I didn't believe it. Now I do.
I still can't stop thinking about that one really great Christmas -well great until the screams at the girl with the leashed puppy - moment. I want that good time with my father back. I can't just go find a new father. According to everyone he no longer violently rages.
I told my mother about someone I know who is 65 and loves to spend time with her mother and brother gene then. "I'll never have that mom and I wanted that."
She replied, "why won't you have that?"
Mom... you don't want me in the same city as you, and you don't want me near my probther and...
She then said well "I'll probably die around 68 anyhow, my own mother died at 67." (She told me a few weeks ago of the 25 year plans and retirement plans. She'/ just saying crap.
That makes it all the worse anyhow if she will die in her 60s. All the worse. Not better.
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