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Family :(
- Post starter BoN-bOn
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- #14
BoN-bOn
Gold Member
Thank you! I know what you mean about a complete stranger showing you what caring really means...I have one person that I have trusted over the last ten years that has never given up on me, or made me feel like I am not worthy of love. Of course, my family doesn't care for her! I consider her to be more like family than my own!
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- #15
Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
What I have also learned is that most predators, unfortunately family members as well, prey on victims by withholding important necessary things that every human needs to lead a healthy life.
My father withheld freedom, my ex withheld mental and physical love to punish me (for what I still don't know), and there were people who withheld help which threatened my life.
A predator will zone in on that, to withhold something that every human being has a right to receive.
I
I agree completely. My mother tried it again through another means and it was so nasty the messages.
I had to call the cops!
It's horrible, sometimes in order to get help you need to walk away.
I don't want to call her mum but on one hand she is but not the mum people deem her to be.
I feel guilt if I don't call her that but then on the other hand she's completely controlled me and then when she couldn't it was emotional blackmail and genuinely being so nasty.
Her ex husband was violent but then to me mum was also the abuser.
I couldn't get out at that age. When I did move out, it was the Nast phone calls. Like how could you do something from when you don't live with them and have very little contact.
Then I got disowned and it's made me feel better. she's disowned me a multiple times.
she went round the family telling a few hidden lies luckily some knew xx
I agree completely. My mother tried it again through another means and it was so nasty the messages.
I had to call the cops!
It's horrible, sometimes in order to get help you need to walk away.
I don't want to call her mum but on one hand she is but not the mum people deem her to be.
I feel guilt if I don't call her that but then on the other hand she's completely controlled me and then when she couldn't it was emotional blackmail and genuinely being so nasty.
Her ex husband was violent but then to me mum was also the abuser.
I couldn't get out at that age. When I did move out, it was the Nast phone calls. Like how could you do something from when you don't live with them and have very little contact.
Then I got disowned and it's made me feel better. she's disowned me a multiple times.
she went round the family telling a few hidden lies luckily some knew xx
Yes its so painful but true in a dysfunctional system no one really wants to see you change...what hurts the most for me as that they say there happy for you there trying to get better etc...but the words never mean anything because in the end it is the actions that are dragging you down...my role has always been rescuer...meaning my family make descisions that have awful consequences then the crap hits the fan and i listen and feel sorry for them and fetch bring and carry ,even though deep down i am so angry with the consequences there choices have had for me and for innocent people. I tried to help my sister recently and what i got in return was her trying to get me sucked into the drama of the consequences of her god awful decisions and completly disregarding my efforts to set boundaries around this..and then laying a guilt trip on me about father ...another product of awful decisions.trying to get ,me back into the fold on there terms...its a sickening energy drain..yes its painful walking away but there is a lot at stake for letting the situation carry on as it is.
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- #20
BoN-bOn
Gold Member
@Terry W , I'm no psychologist but I think when you spend your life in these "roles," you have an overwhelming sense of guilt for trying to step away. All of my life I have been told that I'm selfish & only care about my own feelings. Now I am realizing that the opposite is true. I've spent my entire life worrying about everyone's feelings BUT my own & suddenly a lifetime worth of emotion is hitting me all at once.
I've tried to run from these emotions & feelings for too long...stuffing them away, continuing to do what everyone expected of me until I am at a breaking point. It's terribly painful to come to the realization that everything you believed was "normal" as a child, was not normal at all. I am trying to learn that there is nothing wrong with me at all & it's okay to FEEL. I also feel in a sense that I am turning my back on my family.
As a child, my parents gave me everything I needed & most everything I wanted, took me to church...told me they loved me. They were "good people." It's easy to think that I am overreacting & that all of the punishment I received was deserved...but it wasn't.
Yes, I had everything I needed materially...but I didn't feel loved, safe, and secure. I constantly felt afraid as a child and had no one to comfort me. When I feel bad about the distance I am putting between myself and my family, I try to remember that little girl who was so afraid. She deserves to heal.
I've tried to run from these emotions & feelings for too long...stuffing them away, continuing to do what everyone expected of me until I am at a breaking point. It's terribly painful to come to the realization that everything you believed was "normal" as a child, was not normal at all. I am trying to learn that there is nothing wrong with me at all & it's okay to FEEL. I also feel in a sense that I am turning my back on my family.
As a child, my parents gave me everything I needed & most everything I wanted, took me to church...told me they loved me. They were "good people." It's easy to think that I am overreacting & that all of the punishment I received was deserved...but it wasn't.
Yes, I had everything I needed materially...but I didn't feel loved, safe, and secure. I constantly felt afraid as a child and had no one to comfort me. When I feel bad about the distance I am putting between myself and my family, I try to remember that little girl who was so afraid. She deserves to heal.
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Thank you. yes your declaration is very inspiring I have also made the difficult decision to let go of the family situation as it is now and it is all to do with the problem of roles for me and everything what comes with it..the role I am in now means I am not allowed to have boundaries.
The worst thing about these roles is that you can be given a role which is not really appropriate to who you are and were you are in the greater scheme of things. I think now to is that another reason we get pushed into these roles is that its not in the best interest of those who are in the more empowered roles to lose that power.
What I am considering now at the beginning of exploring this new world I have found myself in is what is my appropriate role in things.
The worst thing about these roles is that you can be given a role which is not really appropriate to who you are and were you are in the greater scheme of things. I think now to is that another reason we get pushed into these roles is that its not in the best interest of those who are in the more empowered roles to lose that power.
What I am considering now at the beginning of exploring this new world I have found myself in is what is my appropriate role in things.
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journeyofone
New Here
"When one person within a dysfunctional family gets better and tries to change their role within the family, the rest of the family works even harder to put them back in their place."
Oh yes. My family has been working hard at this approach collectively. I declined Christmas. Received no phone calls or cards, but that is normal. Three of my siblings live in the same town, one a few streets over. I used to go see them. Pop in, say hi, have a tea, sit in the yard. They spend hours at each others houses, watching tv, chatting, going out. I stopped doing that last year. Now I dont see any of them. All one sided. I've lived here 10 years. In all that time, not one has ever stopped in, sat down and had a coffee or walked in past the doorway. I told them they are no longer welcome. Now they are offended. What a laugh. This is just one example of how they try to keep me in my place. There are so very many. I no longer care to accept what they deem as my role. I see a new me emerging, unencumbered by the negativity, the fight and weight of others putting me down. It's scary and liberating to be sure. I keep reminding myself that family is not blood. In my case, I am an orphan. I'm at peace with that.
Oh yes. My family has been working hard at this approach collectively. I declined Christmas. Received no phone calls or cards, but that is normal. Three of my siblings live in the same town, one a few streets over. I used to go see them. Pop in, say hi, have a tea, sit in the yard. They spend hours at each others houses, watching tv, chatting, going out. I stopped doing that last year. Now I dont see any of them. All one sided. I've lived here 10 years. In all that time, not one has ever stopped in, sat down and had a coffee or walked in past the doorway. I told them they are no longer welcome. Now they are offended. What a laugh. This is just one example of how they try to keep me in my place. There are so very many. I no longer care to accept what they deem as my role. I see a new me emerging, unencumbered by the negativity, the fight and weight of others putting me down. It's scary and liberating to be sure. I keep reminding myself that family is not blood. In my case, I am an orphan. I'm at peace with that.
Its a good way to think like that and an actually easier way to accept too.
Ive not though about it like that.
I have my father still in my life, luckily my mother and him broke up when i was two. I wasnt allowed to see him until i left home. And we are now really close, my mother knew where he lived she choose not to have him in our lives, changed our names, moved ect.
My father doesnt drive and is not a well chap. I know what i have left with him will be short but it could have been longer if it wasnt for my mother denying us the right.
Hes a good man and his kids are (my half sisters and brothers on my dads side).
I look on my mother side and ive been completely controlled. Ive been bullied, maniplutated and used.
When my mother and i were talking she only seen me once where i live once in 8 years at the time. I had to do all the running.
I had to text her, i had to ring her, i had to see her everything well, it stopped when i stopped doing it. She then disowned me so, from that perspective she didnt want me in her life yet will still try to destroy my life.
I want to out her so much, i want to sounds horrible but u want her to know how it feels to be hurt, to be abused ect.
I wont stoop to her level so, wont however i have enough on her to ruin her but i wont yet she tried to with me.
Shes turned those in my family who i thought loved me against me. But they too are scared of her.
I accept am disowned but yet she cannot understand her own concept.
I have since moved home and changed my social media she cannot control me no more even when she tries. She forgets people know me and will tell me.
Am grateful for what i now have, as before i thought i was unworthy seen people used me and thought thats all i was meant for to people abuse and use me. My wife has taught me, but the big parts you need to teacher yourself and thats the hardest. X
Ladyghosthunter
Gold Member
I felt as if I were hearing myself. My family is very similar to yours and won't take the blame for any of the harm they have caused me. What I had to do is to defect from them and get rid of them. They're mouths were dirty without cussing-I wanted to use mental clorox on them but it wouldn't take out the stink.
The best thing you can do is to not listen, believe in yourself and to remind yourself who you are. You're not the baby sister. You're not who they say you are. You're a beautiful human being, not a "thing" to abuse at their leisure. Get the help you need and concentrate on you. Defecting for your mental health is the best thing you can do.
The best thing you can do is to not listen, believe in yourself and to remind yourself who you are. You're not the baby sister. You're not who they say you are. You're a beautiful human being, not a "thing" to abuse at their leisure. Get the help you need and concentrate on you. Defecting for your mental health is the best thing you can do.
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