Family

[ILoveLife]

I wish they could see I'm not out to hurt them but to resolve something so deep to me that I am unsure whether I can stay in the family without them truly accepting it happened.

Its not your job to heal them... I'm sorry but its true. They enabled your abuse, and now meet your lack of functionality from something they enabled with blaming and disrespect.
I'm thinking you're probably blaming yourself and trying to solve decades of dysfunction all by yourself.
It's a nice gesture, but in my opinion a bit fruitless.
I hope you can mend relationships, but I'm not sure why you're taking up the role of the family healer.
Be kinder to yourself.

 

[Didn’t know]

When you spend time or communicate with family do you get depressed or anxious? Like it’s a trigger...

Snowflake,
Thank you for asking this question. My brothers and I can finally discuss some of the more benign forms of abuse that we suffered through as children. It has a very healing effect on me.

However, I struggle with my relationships with my adult children. Oddly, part of the reason is precisely because they did have a much better, safer and more "normal" upbringing than I did. I feel misunderstood and the truth is I have chosen not to share much of my history with them. I do not want to cause them pain by discussing the horrid details of my childhood. As a result, they lack compassion for me and they believe that their lives were spectacularly difficult. Of course they had a less than ideal childhood but I find it hard to see it as they do. Our differences experientially make communication all but impossible. Im not sure if I am depressed over this as much as I am just aggrieved.

Does anyone else experience this feeling of isolation from having such an exceptionally difficult child and adulthood compared to most people in our culture?

 

[420kitty]

They do but only when I'm already stressed.

 

[Hopeforlife]

I live now in another country from my family which is good and bad. They are a huge trigger for me. I have tried and tried again to build a relationship with my mother but she keeps pushing me away. She has her own mental health problems so I can relate a little. What hurts the most is that even though I chose to live far away from them(mostly job related) I feel somewhat abandoned by my mother most. She promised to visit and help support us. She has for the last few years gone back on her word and not bothered with me or my kids. Even though I understand to an extent, I am angry and triggered by her that she is abandoning her grand children. I am envious of all my siblings and their children that they have a supportive grandparent nearby but no one for my children when she promised she would support us. I relate it a lot that she wasn’t there for me when I was a child and suffered CSA for over 8 years. ;( I’m working on this in therapy but I don’t see a better future for us.