Death Father Died Yesterday

[ms spock]

I have seen a lot of people but I told no one that my Father died because it wasn't appropriate. So that was good. I managed really well.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm sorry you didn't get the apology you had hoped for. I got a half assed apology from my father before he died. It made me feel better. You are the first person I know who has talked about being (really and truly) afraid of their father killing them and their family (and have it be a real circumstance). I never thought I would live to be a teenager. I was terrified my father would kill us until I started my own life. I'm sure he killed someone when I was a child. I hope you find peace with this now that he is gone. I wish I could give you hugs that we both could tolerate.

 

[The Albatross]

You're doing well. Keep your boundaries and decide and reaffirm your decision for familial mentorship as necessary.

 

[Mytime]

I’m sorry you have to experience this confusing time. I’m sure it’s hard to feel a loss, when there’s a sense of freedom connected to it.
After being in therapy a couple of times, I got to a place where I could say, I loved my father but not his behaviour. You are an extremely strong woman. You have come along way. You are choosing who you want in your life and hopefully you see some those people as your family. That’s the great thing about life. It’s your life, you choose who you want in it. You choose your boundaries and who has the privilege to share their life with you.
There’s no guilt in only surrounding yourself with positive people and keeping negative people at arms Length. Life is happier without the energy suckers. Grieving can be a confusing emotion, we grieve in relation to the relationship. I found this hard myself, I lost my dad 8 months before my brother. The loss of my brother was much harder because of the relationship I had with him. I felt guilt for that, until my therapist explained the difference. Sending hugs :hug:

 

[ChildofGod]

I am very sorry to hear that. Hoping that you can find a little peace or comfort.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks everyone!I think that I am okay. I am keeping an eye on myself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry for your loss, @ms spock.

 

[katz]

Thank you for starting this thread, ms spock. My father is celebrating his 93rd birthday this week. We're all taking him out to dinner to celebrate. While I was reading your thread, it really made me think... I don't really know how I will feel when he passes. I know that I will go to the funeral. If for no other reason - then to have the memory for myself that he is really gone.

I don't know how my other brothers and sisters will be when he goes. My mom passed just last fall and I'm still deciding how I feel about that. Your writings gave me a lot to think about. So, thank you.

 

[ms spock]

So I got work today so I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist, because working is more important than therapy. But I would like to talk to her soonish.

 

[ms spock]

I am doing okay I think.

 

[scout86]

because working is more important than therapy.

Sometimes that's true, and sometimes it isn't. Your mental and physical health is important, even though it's tempting to minimize the importance.

 

[ms spock]

I don't know if it was the right thing to do @scout86. I will ring today to get another appointment. It's a touch and go thing. I had turned this school down twice in the last week - in order to take care of myself. I didn't take work the day after I found out that my Father died, in case I had a reaction. I have had a reaction and I have been comfort eating a lot. I am trying to be more Mindful about that. I also turned down this school down on Monday or Tuesday as well, that was because I had done so much I needed time to decompress. I think I could work 2-3 days per week, doing casual work has it's pros and cons. I am thinking of turning down work today because my back is in a bad way. So maybe I am not doing as well as I think I might be? I am not sure.

I also am doing some volunteering teaching outdoors and the teacher doing that is really awesome and maybe we can work out to get some funding. I don't need to earn a lot of money just enough to get by.

I has been a year since I have seen my sister, and that is a good thing. I have not let myself get hooked back into things by my sister. I sent her and my brother a text.

Last period yesterday made me reassess what and how I will teach.