D
Deleted member 29899
NOTE- this is not a post about abusive fathers, but about absent and or deceased fathers/husbands.
I started hurting about a week ago just thinking about Fathers Day. My heart aching.
Hurting for the violent and untimely death of my father leaving me feeling the loss of a father I never had all my life. When he was here he was insanely drunk and violent or pathetic and out of his mind most of the time but when he was sober and sane he was a lovely shy funny humble man. I so miss him and miss the lifetime I've had without a father. I miss the father that could have been, the father I never had.
NEEDING a father throughout my life for all the milestones or just haveing a male influence in my life, a huge hole in my life. The need doesn't end no matter how old you are. You need to be 'someone's' daughter. You need to belong to someone. You need a male influence whether you're male or female. I've needed him all these years. As a teen, as an adult, as a father and as a grandfather for my children.
He died a sad harsh death and Father's Day reminds me of being a kid and having to go clean up his blood and mess after his death.... I will be traumatized for life from that. Holding his blood - his life in my hands....
Then ... The horrible death of my husband, how broken it left myself and the kids. Finding him dead... I think about it every single day... It haunts me....
Then the traumatizing death of my second husband which messed up my kids more than losing their other father. Finding him dead as well.... The true love of my life dead so early.... My kids rageful at the loss and rageful how it broke me and they lost part of their mother... They ended up with no father and 1/2 a mother. And then they had to grow up without a father and there is no male influence in their lives. So much hurting and WANTING. The wanting for a dad for myself, a grandfather for my children, wanting my husbands here in my life, wanting and needing them as fathers for my children, them desperately wanting a dad....
I think I'm rambling... Too tired to proofread...
We usually do things to honour them but it seems we hurt too much too often. Too many people dead, not just them but ALL the men in our family.
Broken hearts.
F*ck Father's Day.
I started hurting about a week ago just thinking about Fathers Day. My heart aching.
Hurting for the violent and untimely death of my father leaving me feeling the loss of a father I never had all my life. When he was here he was insanely drunk and violent or pathetic and out of his mind most of the time but when he was sober and sane he was a lovely shy funny humble man. I so miss him and miss the lifetime I've had without a father. I miss the father that could have been, the father I never had.
NEEDING a father throughout my life for all the milestones or just haveing a male influence in my life, a huge hole in my life. The need doesn't end no matter how old you are. You need to be 'someone's' daughter. You need to belong to someone. You need a male influence whether you're male or female. I've needed him all these years. As a teen, as an adult, as a father and as a grandfather for my children.
He died a sad harsh death and Father's Day reminds me of being a kid and having to go clean up his blood and mess after his death.... I will be traumatized for life from that. Holding his blood - his life in my hands....
Then ... The horrible death of my husband, how broken it left myself and the kids. Finding him dead... I think about it every single day... It haunts me....
Then the traumatizing death of my second husband which messed up my kids more than losing their other father. Finding him dead as well.... The true love of my life dead so early.... My kids rageful at the loss and rageful how it broke me and they lost part of their mother... They ended up with no father and 1/2 a mother. And then they had to grow up without a father and there is no male influence in their lives. So much hurting and WANTING. The wanting for a dad for myself, a grandfather for my children, wanting my husbands here in my life, wanting and needing them as fathers for my children, them desperately wanting a dad....
I think I'm rambling... Too tired to proofread...
We usually do things to honour them but it seems we hurt too much too often. Too many people dead, not just them but ALL the men in our family.
Broken hearts.
F*ck Father's Day.
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