Hi,
I am a 54 year old who has always felt on the periphery of life. Never motivated or aspired to much beyond the desire to wake up happy....not really managed that yet!
Ten years ago I accepted psychological input and through that, discovered that events and trauma from my childhood had left me damaged and broken. Up until then I just thought I was different. I didn't know that my mother's cold rejection of me was anything but normal. I didn't realise that a lack of nurture had led to my feral behaviour....seeking affection and love from any man who would even look. I became pregnant at 14....clueless, getting bigger and bigger, I hid it, never divulging to anyone. My own mother didn't notice and although my school asked the question, they took my denial as the truth. I gave birth frightened and alone while my mum was at work, the baby didn't survive. I hid everything in my wardrobe. l bled so much I was fainting when I stood up but when my mum came home from work, I convinced her it was a virus. I carried that secret through to my adult years, finally disclosing to a therapist in confidence, only to find myself the subject of a child protection investigation.
Therapy helped me come to terms with some of the shame, it has helped me begin to understand the neglect that I suffered.
I now have insight and answers to so much, but what I can't lose is the self loathing, the sheer hopelessness of my life, the futility of it all. I used alcohol for years but have managed to drop my two bottles of wine a day habit, now 2+ years sober....I hoped that would give me a new zest for life. Instead though, it gave me a chronic sugar habit and subsequent weight gain that in turn feeds the negative body image and self loathing. My latest psychologist seems to be at a loss, she can't 'get' that even tho I can see and rationalise my negative behaviours, I can't switch them off. I don't want drugs, been there and don't want the side effects that come with them.
I fear this is as good as it gets....am I to die a sad, fat and directionless woman, who never had a chance or who never learnt how to take those chances? (Rhetorical).
So this is my introduction, apologies if it's way off course.....
I am a 54 year old who has always felt on the periphery of life. Never motivated or aspired to much beyond the desire to wake up happy....not really managed that yet!
Ten years ago I accepted psychological input and through that, discovered that events and trauma from my childhood had left me damaged and broken. Up until then I just thought I was different. I didn't know that my mother's cold rejection of me was anything but normal. I didn't realise that a lack of nurture had led to my feral behaviour....seeking affection and love from any man who would even look. I became pregnant at 14....clueless, getting bigger and bigger, I hid it, never divulging to anyone. My own mother didn't notice and although my school asked the question, they took my denial as the truth. I gave birth frightened and alone while my mum was at work, the baby didn't survive. I hid everything in my wardrobe. l bled so much I was fainting when I stood up but when my mum came home from work, I convinced her it was a virus. I carried that secret through to my adult years, finally disclosing to a therapist in confidence, only to find myself the subject of a child protection investigation.
Therapy helped me come to terms with some of the shame, it has helped me begin to understand the neglect that I suffered.
I now have insight and answers to so much, but what I can't lose is the self loathing, the sheer hopelessness of my life, the futility of it all. I used alcohol for years but have managed to drop my two bottles of wine a day habit, now 2+ years sober....I hoped that would give me a new zest for life. Instead though, it gave me a chronic sugar habit and subsequent weight gain that in turn feeds the negative body image and self loathing. My latest psychologist seems to be at a loss, she can't 'get' that even tho I can see and rationalise my negative behaviours, I can't switch them off. I don't want drugs, been there and don't want the side effects that come with them.
I fear this is as good as it gets....am I to die a sad, fat and directionless woman, who never had a chance or who never learnt how to take those chances? (Rhetorical).
So this is my introduction, apologies if it's way off course.....
