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Fear of applying?

How do you overcome that? I considered if this is for the anxiety forum but I think it's more about employment.
I have no stable employment history. I got PTSD 1 year before graduation. It was 3 until I was even diagnosed.

It took a long time to figure out what help I needed. I worked a lot for myself, but not enough for income, then registered, then couldn't work- worked locally- worked online again.
10 years and the most consistent job I've had I can't claim and the other jobs are random at best. No retirement setup, no stability enough to allow loans or credit cards, no savings, no consistency in anything.
My current client pays per project which isn't great in bad moments obviously.

So here I am, I'm supposed to find more income (online, offline, any which way to have something to pay bills). Or side-business. Whatever gets money.
I've been out of my country for 13 years, but haven't been stable at a venture for long enough to claim citizenship where I am. I belong to neither system.
So I have to get a local job too, for the stability element.

And given my messy history, mis-matched wardrobe and language skills and other skills... I am really uncertain of myself. Of what I'm seeking. Of how I present myself. Which of my skills are still as good if I haven't used them in a while. All of it.
And the need for income makes it high stakes game. I'm afraid to breathe. I'm afraid to apply for any job. Get a local job too fast- need to be able to pull transport and food expenses from somewhere. Spend too much time online- it needs to yield funds, not just be applying or working for the sake of it.
10 years of messy history to fix. That's a lot to put on a job so I have to pace myself. So I get anxious to a point I can't breathe or concentrate on applying. But I still have to. Apply. Because otherwise, I get paid from my one project, it goes straight into rent, bills etc, everything I'm late on and then I'm left with a month until next payment with no actual money because I am that behind. So I need income, I need work, I need it all. And I've been all over the place so it's hard to straighten what my goals should actually be versus 'what I NEED'. So I'm scared all the time, of every step. It's not great. I don't know how to begin, or how to accept where I am.
But I need to move, how do I move forward?

I feel like I'm too late in life.
 
First thing I'd do is find a professional who can develop your resume. You might be able to find a free service at an employment agency. I write resumes sometimes, and it's amazing how "little experience" and holes in your work history can be made to look better than they do without lying.

Having a resume will help you fill in applications a little more confidently.

Oh, and look for flexible positions. There are a bunch online. Not sure where you are located, but an internet search should help you find some sites that will help.
 
I’ve come to realize that one of the biggest reasons applying for new jobs kicks me into being suicidal as fawk, is that it means I “have to” open up closed chapters of my life.

Hullo, Avoidance.

And the lengths I’ll go to, to keep those chapters CLOSED.

Because, it’s entirely illogical I’d rather kill myself than write -or update- a resume. That even thinking of doing so? Sends me to puking my guts out, and shaking, and losing days/weeks/months to dysregulated living moment-to-moment.

But? It does.

So I’m far more often willing to start from scratch, in an entirely new occupation, than to list my history in others.

Failing that? I expect to be sick, & stress sick, and basically ignore myself… for the length of time it takes me to acquire a new position.

I truly would FAR rather kill myself, or spend a few years in school, than do so.
 
You'd be surprised how many skills you have that aren't even from work. Clearly you are a mastermind at navigating money with no steady job, that's got to be tough to do but you do it, so also look at the things you can do that might not be from work experience but from life experience. You clearly have knowledge about legalities of being in a foreign country and the paperwork involved. These are both strong organizational skills for sure but could also involve a strong ability to communicate, teamwork, good with money, numbers and determination to finish a project to completion. As others said seek out a community organization that can help you with a resume that will focus on your strengths beyond job experience.
 
You'd be surprised how many skills you have that aren't even from work. Clearly you are a mastermind at navigating money with no steady job, that's got to be tough to do but you do it, so also look at the things you can do that might not be from work experience but from life experience. You clearly have knowledge about legalities of being in a foreign country and the paperwork involved. These are both strong organizational skills for sure but could also involve a strong ability to communicate, teamwork, good with money, numbers and determination to finish a project to completion. As others said seek out a community organization that can help you with a resume that will focus on your strengths beyond job experience.
Mastermind would imply I excelled when in truth I barely get by at the times I have no income whatsoever. Thank you for the point of view though, it's interesting what others can see in your own history that you wouldn't. Might be useful.

I'm still patologically afraid to apply, or should I say again. I thought I was getting better, but oh well.
Gotta work with what is there, so I need to work with this feeling somehow.
 
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