I am putting this here because it falls under multiple categories and I couldn't choose.
I have a serious fear of no one reporting me missing if something bad was to happen to me. It has been debilitating in the past and I think I have some pretty good reasons to feel this way.
I have asked my T in the past to request a welfare check on me if I ever stop contacting her. She assured me she would. A little over a month ago, my T sent me an e-mail telling me that if I cancelled another appointment without 24 hour notice she would have to drop me per rules of her agency. I went into severe panic and wrote back to her that I knew logically she wasn't rejecting me, but emotionally I felt as though she had told me to f*ck off and die. She replied that she wasn't rejecting me and that we could discuss it in our next session. I never wrote back. A week later she wrote me saying she wanted to continue working with me, and again I never wrote back.
I guess I felt like I had to be the one to end things so that in case something happened and I wasn't able to give 24 hour notice again, she couldn't terminate me. The thing is, I didn't want to stop therapy.
A week after her last email I started expecting the cops to come to the door. They never did. I realised she must have forgotten her promise to me. It kind of dawned on me that i was testing her without realising it. I have a history of doing that.
I had a few instances as a teen where I went "missing." For weeks and even months at a time. No one ever noticed. It devastated me, even though no one ever really noticed me as a kid either.
In my mid 20's when I gave up on religion completely because I got damned tired of being told to ask churches for help, despite the fact that I had always been active in church never received any help. The last time i asked for help, there was an auto bill pay flub with my bank that left me with no food for two weeks or gas in my car. So I will cut to the chase here.
I was going to take my life. A call to a crisis line solidified my decision. I wrote my church a suicide note.
Somewhere between sending that and actually doing it, I started thinking about what would happen to my cat if no one found me. I had heard cats will eat their owners bodies and as odd as that sounds, that is what stopped me. The fear of not being found.
That started my 6 month test to see if anyone would notice if I went missing. I didn't call my grandmother. I was always the one t pick up the phone and she would always answer in a happy hello, but when she heard my voice it was "Oh, it is you." in the most disparaging tone. 6 months she never bothered to call me.
I didn't check my mail the post office just stopped delivering assuming I had moved. That was fun to sort out. my bills came out automatic when my disability check was deposited as it was, so no one had reason to wonder why the bills weren't paid. I stopped going to church, no one noticed. I came to realise I had no real friends because I was the one who always made the effort.
6 months no one noticed I dropped off the face of the earth.
If something was to happen to me tomorrow, my husband would most likley just think I left him I am sure. I have friends kind of sorta, but they don't know me well. It isn't like they are really close enough friendships that if I disappeared they would be like "I wonder what happened to her, oh well." This struck me hard tonight because I am realising once again, I am making all the effort. They respond to me, but no one contacts me first.
I have a serious fear of no one reporting me missing if something bad was to happen to me. It has been debilitating in the past and I think I have some pretty good reasons to feel this way.
I have asked my T in the past to request a welfare check on me if I ever stop contacting her. She assured me she would. A little over a month ago, my T sent me an e-mail telling me that if I cancelled another appointment without 24 hour notice she would have to drop me per rules of her agency. I went into severe panic and wrote back to her that I knew logically she wasn't rejecting me, but emotionally I felt as though she had told me to f*ck off and die. She replied that she wasn't rejecting me and that we could discuss it in our next session. I never wrote back. A week later she wrote me saying she wanted to continue working with me, and again I never wrote back.
I guess I felt like I had to be the one to end things so that in case something happened and I wasn't able to give 24 hour notice again, she couldn't terminate me. The thing is, I didn't want to stop therapy.
A week after her last email I started expecting the cops to come to the door. They never did. I realised she must have forgotten her promise to me. It kind of dawned on me that i was testing her without realising it. I have a history of doing that.
I had a few instances as a teen where I went "missing." For weeks and even months at a time. No one ever noticed. It devastated me, even though no one ever really noticed me as a kid either.
In my mid 20's when I gave up on religion completely because I got damned tired of being told to ask churches for help, despite the fact that I had always been active in church never received any help. The last time i asked for help, there was an auto bill pay flub with my bank that left me with no food for two weeks or gas in my car. So I will cut to the chase here.
I was going to take my life. A call to a crisis line solidified my decision. I wrote my church a suicide note.
Somewhere between sending that and actually doing it, I started thinking about what would happen to my cat if no one found me. I had heard cats will eat their owners bodies and as odd as that sounds, that is what stopped me. The fear of not being found.
That started my 6 month test to see if anyone would notice if I went missing. I didn't call my grandmother. I was always the one t pick up the phone and she would always answer in a happy hello, but when she heard my voice it was "Oh, it is you." in the most disparaging tone. 6 months she never bothered to call me.
I didn't check my mail the post office just stopped delivering assuming I had moved. That was fun to sort out. my bills came out automatic when my disability check was deposited as it was, so no one had reason to wonder why the bills weren't paid. I stopped going to church, no one noticed. I came to realise I had no real friends because I was the one who always made the effort.
6 months no one noticed I dropped off the face of the earth.
If something was to happen to me tomorrow, my husband would most likley just think I left him I am sure. I have friends kind of sorta, but they don't know me well. It isn't like they are really close enough friendships that if I disappeared they would be like "I wonder what happened to her, oh well." This struck me hard tonight because I am realising once again, I am making all the effort. They respond to me, but no one contacts me first.
