Fear Response And Being Touched.

[missys_girl]

Because of the Inderal, I don't have the fear response as such, when someone touches me, because Inderal has totally taken away my fear. But I can still get uncomfortable with someone touching me though, like at TAFE, a male friend came over and grabbed me on the shoulders and just kind of rubbed me and I wanted to say 'don't touch me', but I didn't want to 'give in' to my old responses, as thats what got me raped in the first place.

My thing is, my fear response to being touched is all I've ever known, not that I've ever been touched by males much. I was sexually abused as a kid, then sexually assualted constantly and eventually raped by a friend who was meant to be helping me get over my sexual abuse as a kid, then a friend who I said not to touch me before he came over and not to be all touch feely with me, who then did, and the only reason he did when I eventually brought it up, was because he 'liked flirting with me', even though he knew my history of everything that happened, suffice to say I don't talk to him anymore, and to this day he doesn't understand why.

My fear response is just my thing, I know nothing else and to not have it I guess I feel unsafe. Don't get my wrong I adore not having it for everything else, it's just this that I don't like it not having it.

Also, how do I go with it when someone DOES touch me and I don't want them to, be it male or female? I feel like if I say something, even when they're just playing around, that I'll end up heading down the same road I was on before.

I just want my fear response back when I'm touched, I'd feel more secure in myself.

 

[Ursa]

I just have a question.

Do you want to feel OK when touched or you want to keep this physical distance from everybody?

 

[pianogirl]

I'm not sure how to answer your question. I'm a contradiction in myself. Usually if someone touches me in a flirtation fashion, I usually freeze up a bit because I'm afraid of giving wrong signals. Other times (rarely) I actually ease up and flirt back and, even more rarely, be touchy-feely back.

Since my startle response is pretty pronounced, I confuse the daylights out of people because I don't mind people I know touching me one day or even one hour, and then I hate it the next--or react as if they were going to harm me.

I think trauma survivors' touching and reacting to touch is all jumbled, not only because of the way the startle and hypervigilence is exaggerated, but (especially in the case of physical and sexual abuse), boundaries have been broken. Being a survivor of child abuse and and a sexual assault, I vascillate from being all huggy and touchy-feeling to being distant. Other times I may say no with certainty, and other times I feel trapped in fear of getting hurt for saying no, so I can't say anything. I can relate to you being afraid of saying no to someone's touch for fear of harsher circumstances.

In terms of responding to someone's unwanted touch, even friendly, sometimes I just back away, slip away from the hug, or gently move that person's hand away. Then I start up with the no thanks and what-not. It took me a while to get to that point.

I hope this helps a little.

With healing,

pianogirl

Also, how do i go with it when someone DOES touch me and i dont want them to, be it male or female, i feel like if i say something, even when their just playing around, that ill end up heading down the same road i was on before.

 

[Deleted member 541]

One statement in your thread bothered me greatly........."but i didnt want to 'give in' to my old responses, as thats what got me raped in the first place."

You need to drop this kind of thinking immediately. NO ONE ask to be raped. I don't care if you walked down the street nude, NO ONE has the right to rape you. NO ONE!!!!! The only thing that you would be responsible for, is walking down the street nude. But, that in itself isn't an invitation for rape.......Whoever raped you, was sick, and demented, and he owns that......

As far as your fear of touch, and how to respond. You can be polite and ask that they not touch you, as it bothers you somewhat. You don't have to explain why..

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks for sharing this. I struggle with the blame issue alot in my situation as well.

I was abused by a pedophile in our neighborhood when I was 6-7 yrs old. I hear his voice in my head saying, "I don't make you come here, it is your own two feet that walk over to my house" --yada, yada, yada, I will not complete the brainwashing statements he continued to say to me in this scenaro.

My therapist asked me this past week, "Even if that little girl went over there just for the sole purpose of sexual arousal and affection does that make her a bad girl? Does that mean it was your fault that he penetrated and abused?"

I still get confused with this, but I am beginning to have maybe alittle "crack" in the distorted walls of lies that he fed me to make me think it was all my fault and I asked for it.

 

[missys_girl]

Ursa...I really don't know the answer to your question, I really don't, I think it's more that this fear response is all I've ever known and without it I feel naked, everyone keeps telling me when the right guy comes along everything will feel right, but I don't have that fear response to gauge it by anymore do I.

Sorry She Cat, you're right of course, I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it, it's something I'll work on though.

I guess I don't know how to respond without my fear response, well to be honest, I don't know how to respond at ALL when someone touches me in an intimate way, I freeze up and I can't move which once again, helped leading to me getting raped. He knew I couldn't move, so I couldn't stop him, all I could do was so no and yell out in pain...but could I ****ing move...no, I couldn't lift a finger to stop him, I offered no resisted but verbal no....I ****ing HATE myself.

 

[Yang]

As a rape survivor myself (happened 20 years ago), after extensive therapy, self-help book readings, Dale Carnegie courses etc., and having had the same exact symptoms for a long time, I just want to say that you have every right to tell people not to enter your "space". Just go with what you're feeling at that moment and remember, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. People always feel like they're entitled to be touchy/feely all the time. Sorry, but they are not entitled to anything you're not willing to give. It's as simple as that. You draw the line and you decide who gets to touch you. No one else. If you say "don't touch me" you're simply asking people to respect your personal space. And that is your right as an independent individual.

Respect your own feelings on this, draw the line and in time your confidence regarding closeness with other people WILL get better. I don't believe in forcing yourself and "facing your fears" when it comes to something like this. It may work with other phobias, but I'm not so sure about this one.

 

[Ursa]

I asked that because that is something that might be important. If you want it to change, then you need to work on it. If you feel OK the way you are now, then there is no need to change that. This is a decision that only you can make.

About the right guy, I believe that we don't know that the right guy is the one until we get to know better. To see the defects (yeah... nobody is perfect) and qualities (which people try to show first). I found the right guy for me, but I did not know it until sometime later in the relationship. There are also things that need to be built for a relationship to be good, and not everybody notices that. We are usually trying to find somebody that will fulfill our needs when this is our job to do. I think what I am trying to say is that even the right guy may not feel different if you are not open to do so.

I think that one very hard thing with PTSD is to be conscious and make a distinction between OK, nice and potentially dangerous. If this distinction is not very clear in daily life we can get isolated or putting ourselves in danger...

Sorry if this is not much of help. Take care.

 

[missys_girl]

I was thinking about this the other night, it is when I do most of my thinking, at night time. I think my issue is, the fear response has been taken away from me, just *poof* gone, and I've not gone through any process, of learning to deal with it and get over it naturally, so if I went off the Inderal tomorrow, my fear response would be back tomorrow. If I went in a relationship now, and then 6 months later went off my medication, it could cause quite a few problems for said relationship as I shy away from intimate touch when I have the fear response. Now, I just freeze up and can't move, suppose neither are good, but hmm, was just what I was thinking the other night.

 

[Ursa]

Have you talked to your therapist about that?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Missy,

I'm not so sure about what you are thinking. Well part of it anyway. I understand what you are saying about the possibility of going off Inderal, and having the fear response come back... But, that doesn't have to happen, if you work on the issue that frightens you, before hand. If someone touching you in an intimate way bothers you, then dealing with it NOW, would lessen the effect, if you do go off the Inderal. Just a thought....

 

[missys_girl]

Now I haven't talked to my therapist about it, at the moment she is trying to get me to work on my emotions, trying to recognise them, to understand when I actually feel them and notice when I improve and how I improve instead of just going, "I dunno, I just got better," as well as working on nightmares.

I might bring it up with her though.

Thing is I can't work on any of the issues I have with touching as I'm not in a relationship with anyone. Even without the fear, I'd TOTALLY give off the wrong signals, even if I liked someone and wanted them to touch me (though that's never happened in my 26 years of life, wanting to be touched I mean) because I freeze up, I shut down and become mute and non responsive and like a rag doll. I was to used to being held down as a child, so I can't resist someone touching me. I can't stop them, I need someone to teach me to physically stop someone from touching me if I dont want them to.