Feel Like I'm Having A Breakdown

[TeaLeaf]

I'm at the point where I feel like I am going to lose it. I have had significant stress lately-being subjected to road rage from another driver a few weeks ago, multiple ongoing arguments with my husband, a sibling who has been in the psych hospital multiple times recently, anniversary of a parents death, other family stress, stress and loneliness in my friendships and a stressful job.

I've been having regular thoughts of suicide and have been wanting to plan it because I feel so done with life. I feel tired a lot of the time, overwhelmed even when I have multiple days off and am not doing anything stressful and I have started to have trouble sleeping, no appetite (which isn't so bad) and heart palpitations. Yesterday it got so bad at work that I could picture myself snapping and having a very public meltdown. I was scared and decided that I needed to take some time off. I went to my manager and explained that I was having a difficult time in my family life and asked her about taking some time off. She was very understanding and supportive and I have 2 weeks off right now, she said if I was under the care of a doctor, it would be easy to get additional time off if needed.

This is the first time in my life that I have actually taken a leave from work because of my mental health. There were times when I could have benefited from it but didn't. In part it was because I was taking antidepressants then and was able to set the pain aside and do my job. I started taking antidepressants again yesterday after being off of them since this spring, I was doing quite well for the most part off of them until a month ago.

I feel like I am going crazy. I can't handle any small stresses and have started to accept that I need to do the bare minimum for awhile or I am going to get worse. My husband has a stressful job and hates housework so we are going to hire a house cleaner occasionally for the next few months. This is the first time in my life I have done that and I feel somewhat guilty for it. I am trying to limit the amount of things I do and do some self care. I guess I am just scared that I am going to get worse, that this is the beginning of the end in terms of my level of functioning.

I guess I need support in general and if anyone has every gone through anything like this and gotten better, please share what helped for you.

 

[asldjfasldjf]

First of all @TeaLeaf, so sorry for what you're going through right now. It sounds hellish. While I've been in a similar situation before, it only reminds me of how unbearable it was for me then and is for you right now.

As awful as it is that so many difficult events are occurring all at once, it may be a relief to realize that the intensity of your pain is directly proportionate to what's going on in your life. Clearly external factors are at play and there is at least some explanation for your current state of despair.

I know there are many people who have negative feelings about antidepressants, so with great respect for their perspectives, I would like to offer mine. It sounds to me like you were doing well off of your antidepressants during a period of less chaos and disruption. Now that things are incredibly stressful again, you may need the support of antidepressants because the stress load you're carrying necessitates that form of assistance.

I am incredibly happy that your boss was understanding and supportive of you taking time off. Perhaps you can use this period of time to have compassion for yourself and coalesce whilst waiting to see if restarting your medication regimen helps in any way.

Hope some of that was helpful. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Thank you sheero22, I appreciate your response. Yes, it feels pretty unbearable to me now too. I am hoping the medication helps take the edge off. I am someone who doesn't like being on medication but if its either the medication or being driven to a suicide attempt, I'll take the meds.

Thanks for sharing that you could relate to it, it gives me hope that I'll get better.

 

[anthony]

multiple ongoing arguments with my husband, a sibling who has been in the psych hospital multiple times recently, anniversary of a parents death, other family stress, stress and loneliness in my friendships and a stressful job.

Ok, so you identified the issues which are putting you at this point. Pick one to work on... and lets work on improving it to remove that from your daily stressor intake... then pick another to work on.

 

[Chava]

When stress keeps building I have a hard time de-stressing. Little things start to push me over the edge after feeling like I've survived big things. I also start piling everything together...thinking about how bad my life is on all levels (whereas it feels manageable when the stress isn't so horrid). It takes time and days or weeks of less stress to feel okay again, but it seems to happen. It sounds like you have lots of external stressors and your body is just done with it.

It's good you talked to your boss, can take some time off, and also get help with the house. Those all sound really positive. I had a bad meltdown not long ago and feared I'd end up in the hospital if it got worse. It helped me to recognize that I KNEW I was way stressed out. It didn't totally help me un-stress, but it helped to maintain that awareness...that my current situation was just overwhelming and my body was near nervous breakdown. I realized I had to consciously de-stress, even if it meant hanging out in the tiniest room of my house for hours (quiet, dim light). And I also had to work on seeking some positive experiences...hard when mega stressed, so I first worked on just riding that out, saying NO to some stuff, talking to my therapist and talking to my doctor.

You've been through a lot recently. Take care of yourself