One thing that hurts a lot is the fact that I'm a bloke and was sexually abused as a child, and then subsequently as a teenager, makes me feel emasculated. Logically I know it's nonsense and it does not make me any less of a man. But emotionally I feel like someone strips my confidence away. When I wake up in the morning after a nightmare about rape, it takes me hours to get to a point where I don't feel like I'm "weak". I hate public toilets, packed spaces and groups of men (even worse if they are loud). When people look at me I always feel like they can see my big secret though it's just my insecurity. When I sleep with my wife I switch off half way through and she always mentions I go "somewhere else". I'm distant, I snap too easily. It doesn't make me feel any better that I'm being stalked by a male neighbour. I feel like there is a sign on my head saying "hurt me" sometimes. Does any of this make sense? I feel so alone with this. Every time I get anywhere near feeling alright about myself the memories cut me down at the knees.