Sexual Assault Feel so weak...

[SunDog]

One thing that hurts a lot is the fact that I'm a bloke and was sexually abused as a child, and then subsequently as a teenager, makes me feel emasculated.

Logically I know it's nonsense and it does not make me any less of a man.
But emotionally I feel like someone strips my confidence away. When I wake up in the morning after a nightmare about rape, it takes me hours to get to a point where I don't feel like I'm "weak".

I hate public toilets, packed spaces and groups of men (even worse if they are loud). When people look at me I always feel like they can see my big secret though it's just my insecurity.

When I sleep with my wife I switch off half way through and she always mentions I go "somewhere else".
I'm distant, I snap too easily. It doesn't make me feel any better that I'm being stalked by a male neighbour.
I feel like there is a sign on my head saying "hurt me" sometimes.

Does any of this make sense? I feel so alone with this. Every time I get anywhere near feeling alright about myself the memories cut me down at the knees.

 

[Tree23]

This is exactly what I feel. I have been having constant negative feelings towards myself for so long. Since I remembered what happened to me I just felt so much less of a man and I have had so many sleepless nights and moments where it's as if I blank out from life. Ive done wrong thing and just learnt how to deal with it in my life, accepting it as normal. It was a bad mistake and I hope one day I seek help for it because IM still so young and have so much longer. I feel like there is a cycle of feeling well then feeling bad again. It's horrible. Whenever I feel recovered I just snap back into it. You're definitely not alone and many men experience this. For that I say stay strong and understand that one day you will be ready to ask for help, as will I.

Regarding your stalker,I don't know the laws where you live, have you spoken to any lawyers? Make sure you get advice and contact appropriate authorities accordingly. No one should have to deal with a stalker and it's one added stress you don't need.

 

[somerandomguy]

It makes sense. You're not the only one, but because we're men and it's not "supposed" to happen to us, it can feel very much like we're alone. We also aren't supposed to talk about it which makes it worse.

I understand about the emasculation. All sexual abuse survivors blame themselves. I think it can be worse for us men because, as men, society expects us to fight back. Even if we were kids when it happened.

It also totally makes sense that you dissociate during sex. I think that's pretty universal among sexual abuse survivors with PTSD. Our minds and bodies can't tell the difference between the abusive sex we experienced and the safe, non-abusive sex we're having now.

Are you currently in therapy?

 

[SunDog]

Somerandomguy - I'm not currently in therapy. I don't have the money to go to private doctors and the NHS (UK) can only do so much. It's weeks between appointments for it and they don't so much give you the tools so much as expect talking about it to be the big breakthrough. I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face but I feel with counsellors like I'm talking to a wall because they don't give anything back. And they leave the wounds open after talking but then it's another 3 or 4 weeks until the next one to do exactly the same thing.

I'm on antidepressants which do help to an extent as well as beta blockers. It does help... But I cope more now by putting it into a box and locking it all away as much as I can in my head. I was doing alright and got better until recently when my wife's friend started showing up and sucking the life out of us both with attention seeking and never ending problems. I ended up being triggered back into thinking about all this afresh and I feel like I've undone a lot of the healing I did do.

Rez - I'm sorry you feel like this too. I guess as men we have two problems. One, we are expected and expect ourselves to just grit through it. And two, we aren't great at talking about how we feel and shut it all away.
I hope we both find a way to deal with this...
I both like the fact that I'm not alone but hate it because someone else has gone through this nightmare too.
I spoke to the police about the stalking. They said there was nothing to go on and I would need to call when he is still on my property so they can catch him in the act. I'm trying to save up for some cameras in my yard but it's going to take a while. I first noticed when the garden gate kept being opened and one night when I was in the kitchen I saw a camera flash and he was hiding behind his van. He knocks on my door when my wife is away and once tried climbing through the bathroom window. He triggers me because there's something about how he looks at me that reminds me of my childhood abusers. It's a feeling I can't shake and any time I see him my heart feels like it's jumping out of my throat. There was once he asked me to come over to his place to meet his wife. But I knew for a fact she was on holiday over the weekend and he had two other guys there.

I always wonder why it's me these people attract. Makes me feel like it's something I do or how I look or some signal I give off saying victim. Maybe it's because I look younger than I am. I don't know... But it feels like this keeps happening to me for a reason.

 

[somerandomguy]

It actually might be signals that you are sending out unconsciously. I don't know very much about it, but I have seen it mentioned on this site before. It would be worth making a new thread about it if you felt up to it - there are probably people here with a lot to say about it.

Sorry about your crappy NHS system. I wish I had useful advice for you.

 

[SunDog]

Somerandomguy - I think I will start that thread later on. If it's something I can work on and it sparks off a conversation that helps others with that issue then that would be fantastic.

Rez - It actually means a lot to hear someone else feels like I do. The problem I've always had was I have never met any other men who have had this issue. I've met men and women with PTSD but not those who have been sexually assaulted (or willing to tall about it at least). It makes me feel isolated in how it makes me feel and not able to draw any advice or inspiration as to how to cope. If anything reading your post just made it a little bit more real for me. I really hope you are okay.

And thank you both for writing in. It really helps to get a response from people who care.

 

[somerandomguy]

There are many men here who have been through some kind of abuse. I myself am a victim/survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse. I have found this website to be an absolutely safe and non-judgmental place to work out my feelings.

This is an older thread but you are more than welcome to contribute if you think it could help you: For men only