Feel terrified all of the time

[foolscapfire]

I am almost always terrified. I go to bed afraid to fall asleep. I have insomnia and when I do fall asleep I wake up in terror. I don't want to get up in the morning but lay there in fear and anxiety of what the day will bring so I end up getting up anyway, and doing my day.
I go through my day like a damn robot, smiling when I'm supposed to, saying the "right" things, but I feel like a hollow body. I have feelings of anger- actually rage and great sadness, but I turn the rage in on myself and reprimand myself for feeling sad....like I don't deserve empathy or concern.
I hate this. I used to be alive inside. I used to flow with my emotions and truly interact with my friends and family. Now I feel like I'm "acting" all the time, because really, what I usually want to do these days, is curl up in a ball under a blanket and never talk to or see anyone.
I don't even know what I like anymore. I feel like a non-person. And the fear, the terror of being in this world. Of being me and being in this mind...it's absolutely unbearable.

 

[MrMoonlight]

It's an awful way to live and no way do you deserve to stay in that 'space'. We deserve authentic connection with ourselves and others and the ability to live in the here and now. So sorry you are going through all that heavy living. Lets hope finding this forum contributes to the lightening of that load. Welcome @foolscapfire

 

[Deleted member 541]

How you’re living, isn’t living. You know this. It’s not healthy, and it’s not normal. I hope that you have a therapist and can work on getting your paranoia under control. You deserve to have a life without fear.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

I remember my days like that. And this too shall pass. I promise. It did for me.

I had issues with over sensory, but finding that perfect sound or smell that helped me relax is what saved me. Learning how to breath helped too. Learning to focus on it.

I wish I could just take it all away. I remember my nights like those and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @foolscapfire..im sorry... It's like being a ghost in your own body.. Im mean your in there but just.

Could it be disassociation?.. And do you have any medication which might help with the fear and anxiety?...

Please believe me that this will pass... It's temporary... Your life is not always going to be like this.

Do you think therapy might help and learning about cognitive distortion... Like life isn't hard enough we all here get ptsd or CPTSD etc on top of that.....

Sending you a big warm hug....

 

[foolscapfire]

Thank You, everyone, for your support and understanding. The paranoia is the worst. I hate it because I know the thoughts and fears are irrational and baseless, but they tend to run me anyway. I am in EMDR therapy and doing Acupuncture for the anxiety and depression. I was just diagnosed with CPTSD last year. Before, I had been diagnosed with Depression, Panic Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder.
Going on a bike ride and a party with friends today. I just really want to be in my skin and be ok with me....no matter how I feel and whether or not I think my feelings are "right" or not. I'm insanely perfectionistic even in my recreational activities.
Thinking of trying Paxil again- starting today. I'm scared because it has made me extremely anxious in the past when I first started it, but it seemed to help.
Have a good day, everyone.

 

[MamaHopeful]

You are not alone.
This is me.
I even doubt if what I have is PTSD/anxiety.
I think there is no way it could cause something so severe and terrifying - which then makes me think I have OCD, which then makes me think I'm insane, which then, which then, which then...
Thank you for the courage to share. It helps knowing I'm not alone.

 

[MamaHopeful]

I should also add that I am not yet in therapy, which is why my post might seem hopeless. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. :)