Childhood Feeling A Little Traumatized By The Trauma Of Others

[rhyskrispee]

Found it hard to keep to an even keel this last weekend. I'd been feeling like most of my winter stressors were past, and I'd even taken care of the interpersonal work-related issue that had been worrying me since November. I could feel the tide going out, I was still experiencing the odd wave of panic but knew it was residual and would pass. Then Friday happened and Bam!

My eldest has some issues related to the fact that she was born sick and has had to deal with chronic illness for the entirety of her life. She is grown and gone and gainfully employed now, but she has anxiety issues, as one would expect. She's currently having trouble with a coworker. A stereotypical "mean girl" who hasn't emotionally left high school and is making the daughter's work life hell right now. So I'm getting texts and I have to play "mommy".

She's not wrong to whine to mommy, but it's very difficult for me to *be* mommy sometimes. I do it as best I can, but every time my a text comes in I'm jumping out of my skin. It'd not just that the work behavior is something I've experienced myself, it's that I really resent that she has a mommy to come crying to. How screwed up is that? I indulged myself for a moment and whined to my husband that I wish I could call my mommy, and then I pulled it back together, blew my nose and went back to being supportive of the kid. This has been going on all weekend and into today.

Now that the work week has started, she's ramped up again and will not be talked down. I haven't got a text in about an hour now. She has called for a mental health appointment and has one scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. She's looking for meds, and I usually discourage her - my mother was on xanax for five years (that I know about) and it was hell, for her and everyone around her. After 4 days of hysterical texts, I'm thinking meds are a great idea. How screwed up is that? But this is not my biggest problem right now, it's just the bit of grit stuck under my figurative dentures. A profound irritant.

On Saturday my other kid, the one who is still in High School and still lives here at home, told me that one of his trans friends had been kicked out of his house with no phone and the contents of his backpack. I interrupted chat that night so I could calm down. My parents didn't throw me out. I ran away from the beatings at my dad's house to the neglect and eventual abandonment of my mom. As long as I can remember she has been telling me that she wished she'd never had children and that I was unlovable. When I was 16 she left to go live with her boyfriend.

I spent Saturday night an Sunday afternoon alternating between worrying about the current situation, and reliving my past. I tried to distract myself by running errands and shopping. The shopping is weird behavior for me, but I've been doing it for the last week. I hate the maul with the fire of a thousand suns, but I did buy some clothes last Tuesday, I mail ordered some more on Friday and I bought an unnecessary but useful kitchen appliance yesterday. I did need the clothes as I've not been eating for the last year and I'm swimming in most of my wardrobe. On a plus note, I've also been able to cycle things from smaller days back in. And I sew, so I'm going to start taking things in. It's been long enough that I'm pretty sure the weight isn't coming back in a hurry. I hate to destroy my clothes - you can take them in, but you can't always make them big again.

I'm struggling to tell this story in chronological order. I'm giving up on that. This is where the situation is right now:

The trans kid was safe as of 6:30 am. My kid, who is romantically involved with the trans kid, was keeping track of the situation as much as possible considering the phone situation. What seems to have gone down is that the Parents gave the Tkid an ultimatum so dude took off. The Tkid was taken by another friend's parent to the home of yet another friend whose mom had already indicated that the kid was welcome to live there once the emancipation process was completed. He's been working to become emancipated for a little while, but the Parents are making that as difficult as they can as well.

The Parents, meanwhile have been calling all of the friends' parents to make sure everyone knows how horrible the Tkid is. The Parents went to the home where the Tkid was staying, the host parent called the police, and the police made the Tkid go with the Parents. Once they got back to their home, the Tkid told the Parents that he wouldn't stay there and they refused to let him collect any things. The Tkid came here. This was the best outcome for *me* and my stress level, and I feel horrible because it's not my trauma and I shouldn't be thinking this way.

The Parents don't have a way to contact us. They called my kid a couple of weeks ago demanding to speak to their parents. They refused, and didn't bother to tell me about this until days later. In thinking about what has happened since, I think my kid made the right call. Talking to the Parents might be a very bad thing in the end. The Parents also don't know where we live, so my home is currently a safe place. Today his plan was to go to school, touch base with the counselor and the LGBT organization he's been working with, and continue his legal quest. This kid is kind of awesome, gets good grades and was just awarded a spot in the national FFA (Future Farmers of America) competition. I'm a little upset that I don't have a room, only a couch.

Reportedly, the Parents were planning to send the Tkid to live with his father in Arizona because "maybe he'd do better in a place where *that* isn't tolerated". So yeah let's send him away to get gay bashed. And the dad - he's schizophrenic and lost his parental rights after he tried to drown the Tkid as a toddler.

And my furnace died on Thursday. So on top of everything else, feeling chilled was making me feel even more pathetic. The furnace guy just left. thankfully we can afford the repair. I'm going to have a bath and a cup of tea, and hope the kids come home together. The Tkid was worried that the Parents would show up to collect him from school. If the Tkid does make it back here, and I've made sure he knows he's welcome, I am going to see about getting him a burner phone so he can at least have the means to contact someone in an emergency.

 

[Friday]

Yep. StressCup! :P

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

 

[Anarchy]

Ouch!
Looks like you have got your hands full.

With your daughter, is she venting? Or looking for you to pick up the pieces?
Full disclosure, I don't have kids, and I'm only just getting to grips with this myself. The bullies use shaming and poor self image to trigger emotional flashbacks. Once you know how they let themselves in, you can start to shut them out.
Have you seen " Spartan life coach"'s YouTube's on the zombi witch doctor?
Daughter will probably like it.

Trans kid sounds cool. It's impressive that they've sussed themselves out already. We've at least 2 very cool f>m trans people here.

Have you seen the Zen Koan
Chao Chuo fell over in the snow and called for some monks to come over and help him get up.

One of the monks did go over, and lay down in the snow beside Chao Chuo.

Eventually Chao Chuo got up and walked away.

 

[Stickler]

Regarding Tkid, lad may need to go to a shelter until emancipated. Not sure what result calling CPS would have, which was my first thought? Because the parents ARE being abusive. The hoped-for result would be that the parents are given a temporary injunction, but CPS...:banghead:
It's VERY good of you to give him a place to stay.

Regarding daughter...self-care. Keep venting to hubs. Ok to feel the way you feel.

In other words :hug: you're awesome. Breathe.

 

[rhyskrispee]

Ouch!
Looks like you have got your hands full.

With your daughter, is she venting? Or looking for you...

I don't think she expects me to do anything, she's just sharing her anxiety. All of her anxiety. She's a bit calmer this afternoon. She was going to call me after work, then she texted some more about her day at work and how the chances of her being fired are between slim an none. She calmer now and her plan was to check in with some of her friends and listen to their problems. I totally encouraged her to do that. Last Friday I told her to get herself a copy of Queen Bees And Wannabees which is basically a treatise on the Mean Girl dynamic. She did that and recognized the behaviors. I will share your recommendations.

The koan is quite relatable. Thank you.

 

[rhyskrispee]

Regarding Tkid, lad may need to go to a shelter until emancipated. Not sure what result calling CPS wo...

Thank you for the kind words. Tkid got nabbed at school. It looks like the Parents are going to pull him from school. I've asked my kid to contact the kid whose mom is willing to provide living space to see if they've ever called CPS. I think they have more information that I do , but yeah CPS isn't always as helpful as one would hope. I do know that, in an effort to avoid going with his parents, he asked to be taken for a 3 day psych eval. It didn't help.

I'm feeling a little upset, because right now, there's very little for me to do. I deal with my stress by fixing, however, I am aware of the limits to my power.My house is still safe, in that the Parents don't have the address. I will have to make a plan about how to proceed if he makes his way back to me.

 

[Klo]

I think that perhaps the most important thing you could do it tell the trans teen what you have been through that was similar, that you understand how they feel in some ways, and then point to yourself as an example that someday they will be grown and free. I think people can emotionally survive a lot of things growing up, but growing up without any understanding or validation can leave invisible scars and wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. But this is the strength that you earned and now have. You have the wisdom of experience and survival. We cannot save everyone from everything, but our ability to empathize on a deeper level is extremely valuable. What you have is extremely valuable. I know this thread was more about how you are struggling and feeling stressed, but I just wanted you to know that you have something exceptionally valuable to offer that kid, something that you have earned, even if you can't save the day (which no rational person should expect you to be able to do).

 

[rhyskrispee]

I think that perhaps the most important thing you could do it tell the trans teen what you have been through...

I did tell some of my story, and I do hope it helps. Thank you for saying the words to let me off the hook. You are right, I can't save the day right now. It's one of those okay-that-it's-not-okay situations, if I can stay chill I'll still be useful should the time come that there is a thing I can do.

 

[Klo]

I have a somewhat easy time recognizing it because when I would become obsessive and stressed about something, it would always literally be something way beyond my control, like wanting to eliminate all the sex trafficking in the world, or being worried about the U.S. military was doing in X country. I was usually really annoying, too, lol, like super angry and self-righteous, like why isn't everyone else here in this family/restaurant/office also extremely pissed off about X cause?! So because of how utterly over the top it usually was, once I was calmed the **** down it was easy to see that I had been riled up and was trying to play super hero.

But anyway, it is the same concept, but your sort of situation might be harder to see, in my personal opinion. But I do think it is the same thing at its core. As far as heaving way too much responsibility upon yourself.

 

[rhyskrispee]

I have a somewhat easy time recognizing it because when I would become obsessive and stressed about somethin...

Frighteningly accurate actually. My biggie is Global Climate Change, and I just hope to die before the food riots ;)