General Feeling At The End Of My Rope.

[Carolina]

Hi,
My name is Carolina and I'm new. I've posted in Introductions but I think now I need to post an actual thread.

My boyfriend was deployed in Afghanistan and has bad PTSD from it. He was also diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. He's completely unmedicated and is very against starting drugs because of his history of drug abuse when he was a teenager.

Right now, I'm finishing studying in Europe. I haven't seen him in months. This summer, things started to spiral out of control. He started disappearing without telling me. He always used to stay in touch with me even when disappearing for other people. He stopped asking how I am, or caring. Most of our conversations was just me talking and him half responsive.

If I tell him I love him or I trust him, he tells me I shouldn't. He says he doesn't want to trust anyone anymore. He doesn't trust me. He said he doesn't want to see me next month because it'll make it harder when I dump him.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I don't know if this is going to pass or if he's lost the control he had so well last year. I don't even know if he loves me anymore or if he just replies to my saying I love him. I'm not welcome in his issues with PTSD or BP.

Something is extinct. I know he's been thinking about suicide a lot. He wasn't explicit about it but I also think he attempted it a couple weeks ago.

I've never felt so lonely.
Sorry for the long post...

 

[clare]

Dear Carolina,

I'm sorry your feeling so lonely, but you're definately not alone! My advice to you is to read some of the previous threads/posts particularly in carers as well as the info sections on carers and relationships.

As painful as it may be, you have admit you can help him if he doesn't want help.

Thinking of you,

clare

 

[Frankie]

Hi Carolina,

I certainly can relate to what you are feeling. I have been there myself ! My now exbf, was the most caring man untill he shut uff completely from me. His PTSD got very out of control, he felt lost, confused, sad, scared, guilty...etc...

He tried to come back on 3 occasions, but he still didn't feel safe and secure to stay....or he just simply didn't want the relationship anymore...Whatever the reasons, there was nothing I could do.

I know from being here on the forum and from my experience with my exbf, they will shut off from the people they care the most. If we really think about it honestly, it is logical for them to do this. Stress is the biggest trigger for them, they don't need to worry about someone else's welfare and happiness.

Many here told me that good stress is just as bad as bad stress and I have come to believe that is so true. My exbf still contacts me from time to time saying he loves me and misses me.....but even saying that he can't and won't be with me.

They need to want to make the efforts....there is only so much we can do. If they don't want to help themselves, then there is nothing to do.

Caroline, you need to move away from the situation, give him the space he needs...As hard as it is, don't contact him, it will only add to his stress. Should he make the first move and contacts you....just let him know you are there if he needs you...nothing more. A sufferer here (now a friend of mine) has said "The more you push us, the more we will pull away". Very true :)

Sometimes even telling them you miss them and are hurt can add to their stress, cause they might think "I let her down, look what I have done to her". I am not saying this is the same for all sufferers......you only know what your boyfriend is like.

Loving someone with PTSD is a very rough, long and hard road....but you can still have a good and rewarding relationship.....it takes lots of work and effort. You will have to be strong and compassionate. Loving someone with PTSD means a lot of compromises and a change of lifestyle for you. PTSD never goes away....it is part of who he is. You have be ready and willing to love him, PTSD and all. He will never be the man he was before this disorder.

Your boyfriend needs to want to get better, he needs to see a therapist...needs to be on medications..if he doesn't it will only get worst.

Always remember, there is a man behind the PTSD, don't excuse or blame everything on his disorder. He is still able to choose the way he wants to live his life. Sometimes, what they choose is not always what we want, but we have to respect them. As hard as it is to say, you also have to be ready to let go...he might never come back to you.

Read as much as you can on the forum, from both sufferers and carers...vent as much as you can, there is lots of support here :) but most importantly, take care of yourself.

Frankie

 

[clare]

As painful as it may be, you have admit you can help him if he doesn't want help.

Sorry Carolina, I meant to say-you can't help him if he doesn't want help.

 

[Carolina]

Frankie and Clare,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my thread. It means more than you know.

I feel like everything is just cracking slowly. He keeps contacting me, but it's not the same anymore. I'm trying not to add to his stress but it only goes so far. I can't just always pretend that everything is okay. It's not. Some days, nothing is okay. Right now, nothing is okay.

Don't get me wrong he makes efforts. He doesn't want professional help right now but he talks to a friend. He goes to work, he goes to grad school and he tries not to get alienated from people.

I don't know how much longer I can go in this kind of long-distance/half here relationship. It's been nearly a year. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to let go. He says I will leave, because that's what they all do. And I am not surprised they leave if that's what he does everytime. He says trust is dangerous. I'm dangerous.

The other day, for the first time in my life, I realized I understood why people cheat. And that really made me sad.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Carolina,

I can totally relate to your situation. At this moment my bf has gone off to a wooded trail for probably 3 to 4 hours and lately this happens every day. He doesn't disappear though, he tells me he's going. When he was admitted for a one month stay at a Mental Health facility for PTSD sufferers he met a Marine who told him he'd leave his wife for days without letting her know. I'm not sure I'd like that.

Frankie is right about your bf wanting to get help though, it has to come from him. Mine knows he's PTSD is completely out of his control for the last 3 weeks and therefore he's seeing his doctor tomorrow.

In terms of him pulling away from you, I get that...mine has tried that too. In past his therapist has said it is because he's in a self destruction mode. We're leaving on a mini holiday in 10 days and prior to PTSD relapse he spoke to my dad about wanting my dads permission to ask me to marry him. I'm sure he was planning on doing this while we are away but I have a strong feeling that will not happen, he's depressed, self destructive and can't feel happy so I know he'll back out of that. At first you can't help but take it personally but the more I read about PTSD the more I've come to understand that I cannot take his pulling away personally.

I suppose the bottom line for you is that he gets help and he's going to have to step up and do it because it will destroy your relationship.

Good luck but know that there are is a community of us that understand your sorrow.

Carmela

 

[Carolina]

Thanks Carmela,
As sad as all of this is, it always helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

I've read a lot on this forum... and I'm really trying. But how can I not take it personally to some extent? It IS personal in a way. He chooses to shut ME out.

I don't know how to make him get help. I don't want to give him ultimatums or the feeling that it's going to be along the lines of "get help or I'm gone".

I don't know how to approach things with him anymore. Everytime I try, it fails. I end up saying something stupid, or he ends up defensive and twisting my words.

If I push, he shuts himself off. If I don't push, he tells me he knew I don't care. If I push him to see me next month, it might add to his stress. If I don't, he'll say that he knew he's not worth fighting for.

I'm in a lose-lose vicious circle.

 

[Nicolette]

Reading your last post Carolina......

What about you? What do you want? Is love worth such a high price? Do you have to win to be in a relationship?

Perhaps it may help you for you to know it is the 'illness' shutting him out and not him personally.

Unfortunately, no matter how much some people mean well and want love, with PTSD they may be at a point where they cannot maintain a 'normal' relationship. This is your life too so you have to weigh up is what you get out of the relationship worth the PTSD resulting heartache. It comes down to either accepting the status quo or doing what you can to make a difference for yourself. Only you know the answer to what that is. The biggest mistake I have made in some relationships is thinking I can help him get better....reality is only he can do that. :rolleyes:

Some people are worth being with in a situation like this because they want and are trying to get better. You have to assess the situation for you. It's hard to leave love but sometimes love alone is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

[pebbels]

Hello Carolina:hello:
Like Nicolette after reading your last post the question is what DO YOU want. Everything you have written is similar to the situation i was in with my ex partner, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. It is horrible, confusing and frustrating, the emotions playing with your mind body and soul wreaking havoc even though love is still strong.

BUT your boyfriend is the only one who can decide if he wants to pursue help and do the work, YOURS will be to learn not to take things personally and understand why he does what he does. Not an easy road for either of you.

Only you know what you can live with and what you can't and is he worth all the effort on your part to understand more when he isn't prepared to get help yet. Are you able to get him to join the forum as well to get a perspective from both sides, failing that maybe the ultimatum is not a bad thing remembering that you DO matter as well if you are to stay together.

A tough situation, i wish you all the best with your decisions:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[CCurry]

Hi Carolina,

In reading some of these posts it's hard to figure out what the best course of action is. Do you fight to stay in the relationship or take care of yourself, I guess that's the question.

A little insight, yesterday before my bf went missing (oh and by the way he was missing for 8 hours--I was frantic) we had gone to my sisters place and we had an amazing time. David (my bf) is friendly, telling jokes, being very social and all of us laughed so much during that 3 hour visit. Ok so quite abruptly David says lets go....just like that. When I asked him after why he said it like that, he said he had realized that he was having fun, enjoying everybody's company and it dawned on him that he didn't deserve that. In his words, he was like a wild dog that needs be put down and not worthy of any joy.

I think the reason I'm telling you this is that I may understand what your bf is trying to do---push you away because he feels he's not worthy of being loved. I guess you have to decide how much you invest in staying in this relationship to see him through it. He may decide he never wants to experience joy in which case you really do need to take care of yourself.

I hope he decides to get help for both your sakes.
C

 

[Carolina]

Hey Nicholette and Pebbels,

I've reread my previous post and I don't see how it any way it implies that I don't know what I want. I know what I want. I just don't know what he wants anymore, and I don't know how to act in relation to that...

I don't make much sense. Sorry.

 

[cyanide]

I don't see how it any way it implies that I don't know what I want. I know what I want. I just don't know what he wants anymore, and I don't know how to act in relation to that...

I'm in the same boat, and it's very difficult, because it's likely he doesn't even know what he wants either. His internal feelings are in direct conflict. He wants to experience happiness but something unexplainable stops him from doing so. He doesn't know what it is, otherwise this whole thing would be easy, but unfortunately, it's not.

He will have to make sense of his world on his own, but you won't be able to make sense of his world.