Relationship Feeling Depressed...

[Dominik24]

Hey everyone :)

I don't know why I'm writing this or what I hope to get from writing it.. I just feel like I am losing my mind.

In the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend told me about the childhood abuse she had to go through for years as a little kid. She also told me that about 1,5 years ago she was diagnosed with Morbus Crohn, an incurable chronic disease which gives her extreme stomach pains. Because of that illness her immune system is pretty weak and her bones aswell. In the beginning she was feeling good, not too much stomach pain, no other health problems. After about 1,5 months she started to have extreme back pain and several other health issues come and go, with the back pain remaining all those time. She told me she's not emotional in such a phase and I understand that. Logically.

But my feelings drive my crazy.
The uncertainty drives me crazy.
Logically I know that she loves me.
But damn, without feeling being loved makes it so hard to feel loved.
Not knowing if she still sees me the same as she used to is so freaking hard to deal with.
Almost zero showings of affection for almost 3 months make me feel like I'm losing my mind.
She used to be so warm, loving and emotional.
Now she's cold, logical and emotionally numb.

She tells me everything that goes on, she's very open and direct about it and that helps to understand everything logically and not worry too much. But how can I convince me emotions of that?

How can I convince my emotions of being loved by her, while feeling so alone?

She used to make me feel so good about myself without doing it on purpose, just the way she treated me, starred me in the eyes, seeked my closeness.

Now I feel selfish because I miss feeling like that.

Because I know she's struggling and I'm there for her. I'm always there. And I'm always hiding my pain inside.

But damn how do I deal with those emotions. Those self doubts. That lack of affection. This feeling so alone. Damn I hate myself for being so f*cking weak. But I can't seem to be strong. I hit the gym and feel good for an hour or two, but the next day I wake up and life seems so worthless. So worthless without her, but I have her in my life, it's just that she's so distant and emotionally numb. I miss my girl how she used to be when she was feeling good health wise. I just hope everyday that it will be like it used to be when she's feeling better again. It's just the uncertainty of when. When will this be the case? And will she really be like she used to be then? I won't stop believing this.

That's what keeps me getting out of bed every day. This hope.

 

[Jensen]

I really feel for you, your story is so similar to my own I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. I too am new to the Forum searching for ideas. If I come up with anything that might work for me it might also work for you and vice versa ? Sadly I have learnt already that PTSD is a very powerful monster that is incredibly difficult to take on.My very best wishes to you.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you @Jensen ! Really means a lot to be understood.

You can always write me a message if you want someone to talk about it who understands that type of situation :)

I feel like all that coldness and being distant feel like she doesn't love me anymore or lost interest in me, and while logically I know that that's not the case, it's so freaking hard to not feel like it is. It feels like heartbreak, just without my heart actually be broken.. I don't know how to better describe it. I know that it's all her PTSD symptoms caused by the stress from her pains. But still, emotions are not a rational thing....

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hey everyone :)

I don't know why I'm writing this or what I hope to get from writing it.. I just fee...

I am new to this forum; Good! you are talking here about your feelings and reaching out. Along w/this forum that you are a member of, there are also forums also such as Patient; also a medical (physiological) forum that I utilize for physical medical for my post colon surgery issues which is called HealingWell; another forum I use is called HealthBoards (very strict on posting policy - extreme and I still utilize them) - I don't use as often as the first two great forums: Patient and HealingWell. On these two forums people with her Crohns issues will answer you back through your email portal and there are so many patients on these two forums who know so much about Crohns and living with this disease @Dominik24 and I hope you will continue to talk about your issues here and I hope you will try these forums out as well, and I wish you all the best. JadesJewel.

 

[Hojay]

I very much feel for you too. Distance and numbness, isolation, all that, are pretty common for people who suffer from PTSD. I think the Crohn's and other physical issues may be heightened by emotional stress. It could be she is actually quite triggered at the moment - PTSD - and it manifests physically.

I understand how at a loss you feel. I think as supporters it is very important, essential!, to keep a close look at where we may be losing track of ourselves. Boundaries are key. But boundaries are often misunderstood. A boundary, for example, is that you cannot keep being the loving, doting, and caring boyfriend without feeling a sense of love and appreciation in return. Understanding WHY she can't give you that right now (which you have) does not change the fact that you NEED it. A conversation along those lines should not be aimed at changing her behavior. It should be aimed at protecting yourself. E.g. "I love you, I understand what you are going through, but I can't be the loving boyfriend you need without also receiving love in return. So I'm sorry, but I want to spend less time together." I know this is hard. And it may feel like an abandonment, but you are not her therapist or her father. You are her boyfriend and you need to protect your heart. If she reacts by actually reflecting on her situation, what she could be doing better to get back to "normal", great. If not, at least you are not overspending your emotions on something that is seriously depleting you. It's not uncommon for PTSD relationships to go through periodic, temporary breaks. Sometimes because the sufferer isolates, sometimes because the supporter feels too much is being asked of them without receiving anything in return. There is such a thing as disengaging with love. It doesn't mean breaking up necessarily, but retreating to a point emotionally that is safer given the situation.

In my relationship with my PTSD boyfriend, I made the most headway by being very firm and very consistent with what I need. Of course we need to be patient and understanding, but there is a line. Just because we understand why they are the way they are sometimes, doesn't mean we have no power over whether or not and how we want to be subjected to it.

 

[A13]

I can relate to this post sooooooo much!!!
I am very much an all or nothing person and for a while I didn't know if I could deal with it when my partner shut me out. I feel exactly how you do! I'm currently going through this with my vet. I promise you that by doing things for you ... distracting yourself when your heart and head are unsure if you can do it any more is what you need to do. Recharge your batteries and do something for YOU. I find it so hard to do things for myself when I see my vet struggling. But it works. It really works. And those days that you feel like that, don't seem so long and lonely. The nights where you feel so unloved won't seem so dark if you start taking care of you. Start Small. . Take some time to do what you like. Remind yourself how happy feels. And when your girl is ready. You can do these things together. . Until then. Take care of you.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you @Adm13 your post is gold worth :)

I am definitely using your advice. What I found is that a lot has to do with self confidence. No affection can drag you down to a point where your own self image gets worse and worse and your confidence suffers. No matter how sure you know that it's her pain that makes her less affectionate or showing less to zero interest in you, no matter how much you know that logically, it's easy to lose confidence while going through such a phase. You start asking yourself what did I do different when she showed interest? And there's no real answer because you didn't change, her pain just changed or started.

But logic is not how you get your confidence back. What helps a lot for me is to go to the gym and pursue my personal goal of losing weight. Seeing results from something you do can make you go through the toughest days with your head high.

I'm just starting to get back on my weight loss, but I know that this type of achieving something that makes you feel better in your own skin helps tremendously in re-building your confidence, because if you feel great in your own skin you won't see as many reasons as why your partner may have lost interest in you, as you probably do when you feel not really good.

 

[A13]

You are right. I am a little insecure in my relationship And I know that's where my problem starts and ends. (My insecurity isn't due to my partner, but past relationship)

Start with some mindfulness. Here is what you need to remind yourself she loves you, if she didn't she would let you know, you are a very caring and kind person (or you wouldn't even be in this situation)
You may be struggling with your body imagine. you are going to get there. Take things one day at a time.
Slowly but surely you will feel yourself beginning to love you again. Don't get too hung up on weight,
Even if you loose 1 lb a week. You are still loosing. You need to do it for YOU not for your partner.
Each Day. You'll become fitter, healthier, your will feel happier, when your busting those PBS you will feel on top of the world. And the best part is... you are the only person who can control that!!
When you feel down or like she doesn't love you get your ass to the gym and beast it out. Watch how much better it feels than moaping about.
You will get there, I believe in u!
Now YOU need to believe!!

 

[Newtoptsd]

Thank you @Adm13 your post is gold worth :)

I am definitely using your advice. Wh...

@Dominik24 If there is one thing I have learned when my vet withdraws from me or isolates is that when I take care of myself and exercise, see friends, go shopping etc. then I am happier ... which my when my SO comes around from his downtime, he can see this which makes him happier. You may think its selfish to just go about your life and concentrate on yourself but I can't tell you how much this helps/influences your partner.

When I got very insecure and got in a slump and was needy my partner ended it with me, It was the most devastating time. When he did though I didn't contact him at all, I went to the theater, started running again, even something as simple as having a haircut, I went to meet girl friends for dinner. At the end of the week he reached out, not to pull me back in but to push me away again but in a very nice way (if there is a nice way to end he definitely succeeded). I rang him and told him we would take things back a fair few notches and just take it slow because I knew deep down he didn't want to finish it he was just trying to protect me. Now we are back on track, all be it very slowly crawling along the track but it's great and I'm happy and he's doing very well.

Sorry I just bambled on about my experience but what I'm trying to say is when you do take care of yourself and exercise and feel that weight coming off you will feel so much happier, which can ultimately have an affect on your partner :)

DO IT and keep it up you will feel great :)

 

[Dominik24]

Thanks for your post @Newtoptsd :)

Yes I know that feeling of beeing too needy. Probably because we just want to feel loved and while our partners are emotionally numb we get almost zero love shown. This can make the most self confident person insecure over time.

Well.. I really improved my self confidence the last few days, hitting the gym, reading in PsychoCybernetics (everyone should read that book!) and I felt so good today that I was able to not bother my girlfriend today while she was in a bad mood and really upset. We were shopping with her mom and my girl didn't even say "hello" when I arrived at their home.

Usually that would make me go crazy in my mind. But I kept my cool, told myself that she's just having a bad day and I'll give her the time to calm down and come to me to talk about what's wrong when she feels like it.

After shopping we drove her mom home and she went into with her for 10 mins, when she came outside I knew that they had an argument and it escalated while they were inside, so we just drove off and I resisted the urge to ask what's wrong, like I did the whole day.

We get home and without a word takes her pillow and blanked an goes into our guest room. I feel like shit and worries creep in, but I convince myself to let her be on her own if she needs it right now to calm down.

1 hour pass by and I'm typing in whatsapp that if she wants something to eat to just let me know and I'll make something for her, or I'll get something for us. But I decide it's too early to ask (bother) her and delete the message and watch netflix to distract myself.

Another hour goes by and I'm falling asleep out of boredom and being alone.

4 hours later I wake up, still alone in our bed, go for a cigarette and hear her go to the toilet. Long story short, we ended up laying in bed (in the guestroom) while she tells me that I was never so ignorant to not even ask once what's wrong, that I could've checked into her room to see if everything is good (in the time I slept) I said that she told me that I should leave her alone in that kind of mood and everytime I asked too much in such a situation made things worse. She answered that she doesn't like being asked a thousand times what's wrong, but at least one time would be good.

I listened to her talk about everything that was wrong today for about half an hour while we cuddled a bit. Then she told me she's tired and wants to sleep. I asked her to come over to our bedroom, she told me no because I'm snoring, kissed her goodnight on the back of her head and left the room.

Smoked like 5 cigarettes and am now laying in bed just feeling so alone.

So f*cking alone.

I feel bad for not doing what I usually would do, worrying about her, showing her that, asking what's wrong, making sure we get something to eat. I wanted to be confident today, not taking anything personal and just leaving her alone, no matter how hard it is, waiting for her to come to me when she feels like it.

But that was wrong, too.

 

[Jensen]

Hi Dominick24
Sorry to hear your alone, doesn't sound like the best of days. Nothing better over here either been on my own most of the day. Only social spot was having a couple of beers earlier. Tomorrow could be better seeing GF in the evening has the potential to be good, have to wait and see.
Keep smiling you have friends here.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you @Jensen :) means a lot. I feel bad for sharing this stuff, but here is the only place that someone can understand it.

Look forward to it, I know it's hard sometimes but always assume the best, so you can enjoy it with your whole heart if the day is great, and if it is not you are stronger to deal with it.