Feeling Down

[EvenStrongerNow]

I don't want to have PTSD. The depression sucks. I just did a hot bath, hit the gym and ate something. I've been going all day for the last week without eating, not realizing it and then binge eating at night, having massive anxiety about going to bed because I think what's the point? So I stay up until 3 and then feel horrible for sleeping in.

I have no good reason to be depressed and I beat myself up. I go through brief depressive episodes that can last a few hours, a whole day or a couple of days. It seems to have a pattern but I can't put my finger on it.

It's so hard for me to realize each time that I have PTSD and its perfectly rational to have depressive episodes. How do you make the decision to go on meds? I have avoided because I feel weak or defeated if I don't work it out on my own. But it's so much harder to suffer. Im sick of the cycle. It holds me back from finding work or living life. I have a great marriage but these episodes hold me back. There's a woman who is sensitive, deeply passionate and full of life stuck inside of me and something will not let her come out.

I feel like I am trapped. Where do you draw the line? At what point do you accept it and get medication? Im tired of having PTSD. I do have SI thoughts at times but I KNOW I would never do it nor have I ever had more than just a two second thought but it scares the crap out of me.

I feel so bad for my hubby. As a man, he feels innately responsible for me and when I don't feel happy, he feels like he is failing. He doesn't get that I can't look for work feeling so depressed. He thinks I feel depressed because I don't have work. Maybe thats true. It makes sense logically but I feel the reason Im doing the bare minimum in life is because of the cycle weighing me down from experiencing life the way I should.

I feel like I have nobody in my life who takes it seriously. I don't want to take meds. Does someone have to be in bed all day and be suicidal to be considered depressed? I don't experience that but I do experience some sort of mechanism that doesnt allow me to sustain motivation long enough to move forward. I get overwhelmed easily and experience tinges of anxiety from the moment my brain becomes conscious in the morning. My mind races and I can't stand it when I step onto the porch, watching all the people walking around doing life every day. Why can't I? Why can't I? It's so unfair!

 

[mamachick]

StrongerNow I am so sorry for how you are feeling, but yes, I can relate and believe many member would also. I do have some problems and reasons to get depressed. I went off anti depressants in December and thought I was doing pretty well in spite of some significant stressors, then one significant thing happened, then another on top, that relates to trusting my gut feeling and being betrayed. However, my reaction became so over the top that I really had a meltdown. I talked to counselor on phone Friday evening and told her I have few pills left from when I weaned off, and she agreed I need to start myself back on and call doctor on Monday.

I know everyone is different and question at what point do you take meds. I think the answer is when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I dont want to be on meds either, but I am not only putting myself at risk, I am causing family and friends to worry. Unfortunately, I do not have a support husband so that is not an issue. At the same time, I feel very responsible for too much at times.

For me, ptsd, at times, feels like someone has a strong foot on my back. I get up again, but only to feel that weight on my shoulders again. I know about seeing others around who are going about their lives, and just wondering how they do it, why they do it. When I am like this, its difficult to find pleasure in anything. I feel very trapped too. Just plain stuck. I use to feel that I had control of my life. I now feel that the world controls me-I also know thats not true. Yet it does not help for people to tell me otherwise. Its like telling someone to get out of their wheelchair and run a marathon. It feels cruel. People do not understand.

I do not think going on meds is a sign of weakness at all though. I know so many people (without ptsd) who refuse meds because they either think it is a weakness. My friend has OCD and is a hoarderer. Her doctor told her that she is on the top of his list of anxious patients and gave her meds for it. She was doing better then discovered it was an anti depressant and quit taking it. She was easier to communicate with on them but she stopped. She is totally neurotic. She tells me to wash my hands, writes 8 page letters to her grown children to tell them things they are wrong about, etc. I accept her as she is but she can be really annoying.

I want to laugh again. I use to love my life. I wouldnt trade places with anyone, I really liked myself and my life and enjoyed everyday and every breathe. Now I just dont want to get up in the morning. I feel overwhelmed about the silliest stuff. It seems I can never resolve the simplist things. Tasks seem monumental. You do not have to be in bed everyday all day to be depressed, there are many other signs of depression and it is common with ptsd, as is anxiety.

If I had to describe in one word what I often feel it would be-overwhelmed. I think we all must be our own measuring stick and only you can decide, but if it were medication for a medical condition, I think its easier to accept. I may have to be on meds for the rest of my life, or, I may get jump started and start building a life (work, relationships, exercise, hobbies, etc) and then be able to go off the anti depressants at a better time, when there is not so much adversity-which there is at the moment.

I wish you the best in your decision and am sure you will know what is best, just know that it does not make you weak. When you mention not eating regularly that also changes the brain chemistry. I do the same. Living alone, not much motivation as I think as eating as something we do with others too.

 

[Jlso111187]

I, too, had avoided medication for the longest time. 13 years to be exact. But in January I got so down where all I did was cried or slept for almost a month straight. I couldn't eat and I didn't want to even do anything with my children. No matter what I did I couldn't get out of that funk, that is what made me finally make and appointment to get put on medicine. I got put on Prozac two days ago, It really hasnt made much of a difference yet so Im hoping when its had a while to get in my system that it will start to help.

I know for me it took me finally surrendering my pride to get put on medication as I felt that I am stronger than this that I can beat it. I know living with me has been hard at times for my husband and children and I am hoping by letting my pride down and doing what I have been fighting for 13 years will make it easier for them. I was told many of times by my mother and husband that I needed to get put on medication and I fought agaisnt them everytime they said something until I finally realized it myself.

I have always been a strong woman, I felt I was weak or that there was something wrong with me if I needed medication and that would make others look at me as I was weak when really it was me making excuses to not face reality.

Sorry for rambling I hope it helps you a little knowing that your not alone in this struggle. I hate having Ptsd, I hate being on medication, but more so I hate feeling helpless.

 

[KatB]

Wow, Jlso. I think I would've written this myself also. U have no idea how much I can relate to your post. I am currently in the same shoes when it comes down to pride and weakness.

Our cultures, whether religous or social, have portrayed people who take meds as weak-minded people. Stigma is a huge issue. Not to go into long details, I understand exactly where you are coming from and I know the mindset all too well. It's a barrier that needs to be broken down and explained thoroughly. I've been on meds for a little over a month and its like, " whoa, super hypersensitivity and side effects coming through!" Its become an inevitable thing that my personality has a severe change and it has affected almost all areas of my life.

You couldn't have wrapped it better. The last couple of years have left me feeling extremely helpless and guilty, moreover rage for the open damage on my person but I know that doing nothing is worse.

 

[dms]

May God Bless you all!! Your stories is my story. I've been on meds for almost a year now and it has changed my life for the better. I still get depressed but never like before. Take the step towards happiness please..

 

[safenow]

I had one event in my life that depresses me so bad, there were times I didn't want to live. While I have PTSD from multiple traumas, this particular event took away my joy and my reason to live. It took away my purpose. The first few years after it happened, they kept me drugged out of my mind. It was the only way they could keep me alive. They eventually did so many Electrode-Shock-Treatments that I was a body walking around with no mind or memory. But over a course of time the memory of that event came back. While the depression wasn't less, but I stopped taking the drugs, because I wanted to be able to function.

This probably doesn't make much sense to anyone, but that is how it worked for me. I began to allow myself to take a week or two, sometimes a little longer, every year to allow myself to be depressed. To allow myself to mourn and grieve and cry all day. To allow myself to fall apart during that time and not allow anyone to tell me I couldn't. It helped me a lot. The rest of the year, unless I had another bad event, I functioned like a normal human being. I worked, I played, I loved, I laughed. Even though I had other problems, I was able to function to the best of my capabilities.

This year is the first year I didn't do that. But something happened last year that has given me reason to stop mourning. I no longer mourn for the loss of my babies, not knowing if they are alive or dead. Not knowing if they were tortured like I was, or if they found happiness. It was the not knowing that was killing me. For all those years, the only memory I had of them was as babies (1.5 years and 2 weeks old) and that horrible morning when I found them gone.

As of last year, I have photographs of them growing up. I can see them grow and see smiles. I know they survived and are now adults. Adults don't need a mother to protect them.

When I took anti-depressants, they made me even more depressed. I was given so many I turned into a zombi and I refuse to live as a non-person. Drooling, and sleeping. Not able to work. Not able to find joy in anything. My health was deteriorating because the drugs were killing my liver. Good grief. For me, it was worse than my loss, because I not only still had those memories but now I was a drooling idiot on top of it. Plus, it was costing me a fortune. It was slow suicide by doctor. It would have been faster to have shot myself in the head. By wiping my memory, they thought they were keeping me from harming myself. They were killing me slowly and painfully and I still wanted to die.

I know that medication helps a lot of people, and I'm happy for those it does. I am just saying it was not for me.

Sorry for rambling so much.

 

[mamachick]

safenow-I am so sorry for your grief and for the meds and treatments. I am so glad that you have the pictures and can see them happy. I have had bad anti depressants and a psychiatrist that did not listen. I fired him and returned to my PCP who listens and trusts my accounts of what I am feeling. I feel very lucky to have my doc. I also have a good therapist that listens and helps me keep a finger on the pulse of my mood. I made an emergency call last week to her. I blew up in anger (3 months off anti depressants). Not suicidal but so tearful and discouraged. By Monday when I saw her, I was much better. The blow up was the day after a steroid injection and she agreed that this could be cause. I also had a flu like body ache within hours of the shot. I am stable again. Not a happy person, but have reasons not to be, and working on it. Over the counter pain meds has elevated liver and caused gastro problems. Now on prescription pain meds, and ortho specialist worries about addiction. At this point, I want off meds, but say also, who care, if I get addicted, send me to rehab. No easy solution

 

[safenow]

At this point, I want off meds, but say also, who care, if I get addicted, send me to rehab.

Might I recommend a little book and a good stainless steel juicer? The book is called "Juicing for Life" by Cherie Calbom and Maureen Keane. For chronic pain, a little book, "Pain Free" by Pete Egoscue.

Let me know how you do. The first couple of days or even up to a week, you are going to feel crappy, but once the detox is finished, you will be surprised how good you feel. Plus, your doctor's will be shocked when they see your lab results. They might even say the first tests must have been wrong. LOL

 

[mamachick]

If and when I finally get a paycheck, I will invest in this. Sounds like a good idea. I do think of all the processed and microwaved foods I eat living alone-probably not good. Thanks for the good advice. Any advice on chosing a juicer? I know there are many and many price ranges.

 

[safenow]

Any advice on chosing a juicer?

Get one with a stainless steel basket. No plastic of any kind. Use glass containers to keep it in. No plastic or aluminum of any kind. If you get a cheap on that has those things, you are doing more harm than good. I recommend you save up for a good one. It will more than pay for itself by keeping you off drugs.

Fresh fruit and vegetables (washed with mild soap and lots of water) are so much better for the body and anything you can buy. Also, when you buy foods, get one item food. Not mixed stuff. By that, I mean, TV-dinners have so many chemicals in them that are bad for you. When you buy vegetables, if you can't get fresh, get frozen. And when you buy fresh, be sure to check which country they come from. Some countries use human fertilizer. Not good for you.

If you have a crock-pot, until you can get a blender, I recommend you use it a lot. That way you can get some meat (if you eat meat) and fresh potatoes and carrots, or other vegetables, pop them in the crock-pot, and go do other things. When the meal is finished, you can freeze into portions so when you get hungry, you can just pop a freezer bag in the microwave and eat quick and food that is wholesome and good for you.

I hope that helps.

 

[mamachick]

Thanks for the info. I had a feeling that the cheaper juicers might not be worth it. I invested in a great slow cooker from william sonoma a few years back. It was over 200 which seems rediculous, but I have had many crock pots over the years. The last one I had, one of my daughters melted the knob while cooking on stove and having it too close. I used pliers for awhile, then found this great one. Its large, can be used on the stove first, then into the slow cooker unit. All the times, stay warm, etc. Have no regrets

Good advice. I prefer fresh to frozen by far. I do eat some raw veggies. I need new and better habits for sure.
Thanks